What You Need To Know About Toxic Friendships

At some point in our lives, we have probably come across a friend with who we cannot seem to meet eye to eye. Differences can be healthy; you learn from one another. But what I’m trying to describe here is that friend who just seems to drag you down. This person is not always easy to spot.

When I was younger, my parents warned me about the people I let into my life. They even explained the proverb, “birds of a feather flock together”.

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A bit of background story — I once maintained a friendship that was full of red flags. It took me years to realize. More than a decade of my life. Every new individual I met and introduced my “best friend” to was immediately surprised I was even associated with someone like that. However, my lack of self-awareness and abundance of gullibility justified her utter rudeness.

Yes, I was naïve, but I also gave plenty of excuses. I literally had no standards for what respect looked like in any relationship. We were not only total opposites, but I did not notice that she constantly trying to influence me to be more like her. The so-called friendship was filled with gaslighting and threatening ultimatums.

Going back to the proverb, I argued that different people can still be friends and maintain healthy relationships. However, through years of exposure to toxic friendships, I learned that the people you surround yourself with can significantly deteriorate your mental health.

I have learned that to identify toxicity in relationships, we must first truly understand the meaning of a genuine friendship. For one, the Greek philosopher Aristotle defines friendships as “the mutually acknowledged and reciprocal exchange of goodwill and affection that exists among individuals who share an interest in each other on the basis of virtue, pleasure or utility”. The three distinct characteristics — virtue, pleasure, and utility, can be mutually inclusive or overlap to a relationship to be qualified as a friendship.

On the other hand, a toxic friendship can be defined as one that simply drains the life out of you and does more harm than good to your wellbeing. The kind that you don’t look forward to when you’ve already committed to plans for coffee or a catch-up. By the time you have made it to your 20s, you really should be in a place where you prioritize your happiness and well-being above all.

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Characteristics of a Toxic Friendship

With the concepts of personal growth in mind, we should be wary of the people we surround ourselves with. Jealousy, manipulation, and gaslighting are a few main ingredients that make up a toxic “friend”.

These types of friends revel in the negative drama that occurs in your life — whether it’s a heartbreak, work stress, or even loss. The moment you start to bring up your motivation to improve, expect the toxic friend to be the first person to discourage you.

Other prominent characteristics may include the following:

1. Encouragement of bad habits

Toxic friendships are essentially pessimistic in nature, in a way that you sort of feel stuck in a loop of bad habits.

Sure, you’re not perfect… maybe even the type to occasionally miss a day at the gym. But having a friend who undermines your path to improvement through the encouragement of your not-so-great habits isn’t someone you want around.

They can also be extremely quick to judge while pretending to have your best interest at heart. Like all of a sudden you need to be purchasing the latest designer bag because they say deserve it, even if you intend on saving up more money to gain some financial security. And yes, they can say the pescatarian diet you have been attempting is lame according to their standards.

2. Decisions made for you

Once we get close with friends, we often feel so bonded and can assume we know the other person so well. While there is not much harm to that assumption, it can be aggravating when a friend of ours decides that they would know us better than we know ourselves.

While their decisions may not always be so bothersome, they can be when they constantly intervene in aspects of your life that are personal to you and really shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern. They confidently feel entitled to cross personal boundaries.

This can range from something as simple as what you plan on eating for dinner, to who you should be dating. The toxic friend I encountered insisted that the guy I was then getting to know (current SO, btw) will only objectify me and use me as a trophy wife. Why? Because that’s what her assumptions told her and hence, decided that I should avoid him at all costs. Thankfully I turned to my own brain for guidance.

In all honesty, consider yourself lucky if you haven’t encountered such entitled individuals in your life but trust me, they exist and are oh so exhausting to be around.

3. Plan B

You hang out based on their schedule and convenience. Also, you’re pretty much Plan B all the time. The option they choose when they have nothing cooler to attend to. They might even postpone or cancel plans with you last minute because something else comes up.

Sadly, you accept this sort of treatment either because you are entertained by their presence or simply have not noticed the disappointing trend.

4. Being taken advantage of

Genuine friendships require a sense of mutual respect and reciprocity. Once you are starting to feel manipulated for money, connections, or circumstances — you are most likely being taken advantage of.

The friend who only calls when they are in need, whether it’s financial or emotional, possibly exploiting you because you are simply always ready to help.

“One who seeks friendships for favorable occasions, strips it all of its nobility” — Seneca, Roman Stoic Philosopher

While altruism is an admirable trait, remaining dewy-eyed to someone abusing the friendship is another story. There may also be cases where you may hesitate to help but are worried it could negatively affect your relationship and possibly disappoint your friend. While this is a possibility, it also applies the other way around.

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Why Toxic Friendships Still Exist

Many of us still maintain toxic friendships until this day. Some of the typical excuses are elaborated as follows:

1. Fear of loneliness

We have gotten used to the routine and would rather tolerate the relationship than not having a buddy to chill with. Loneliness and isolation can be dark, but there is greater peace and self-respect in solitary. Life does not operate in drastic extremity; we can always meet inspirational people along the way and create stronger bonds to enlighten us.

2. Networking

Maybe this potential friend of yours has enough influence to take you to greater places one day? Well, it is up to us to weigh out the advantages of preserving an unhealthy friendship. While our social circles can play a role in boosting our interests or career, they should not be at the cost of our mental health.

3. Too much history

The idea that we go way back and is therefore entitled to be in each other’s life no matter how detrimental the relationship is. When someone crosses the line, stand up for yourself and walk out of such distressing interactions to save your sanity.

We only really get 24 hours in a day, so is it worth our time exhausting ourselves over meaningless relationships? Chögyam Trungpa, a renowned Tibetan Buddhist meditation master, and teacher devised the term “Idiot Compassion”. The idea behind the term is that through compassion to others, we may end up simply enabling and are therefore allowing others to take advantage of us simply because we are either avoiding conflict or cannot bear to witness suffering.

Yes, yes… pick your battles, they say. While conflict avoidance is sometimes key to staying composed, it can be more harmful to our wellbeing to be taken advantage of as a result of trying to remain the nice guy or bigger person, essentially making us the idiots.

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When It’s Time To Let Go

The concept of homophily — the tendency to form social connections based on similarity, was examined in a 2017 scientific study to understand how it can potentially affect formations of bad habits. The study found that bad habits, such as fast-food consumption, contribute to stronger social network formations. This suggests that friendships and acquaintances are strongly formed through socially constructed behavior.

While some may dislike the whole emerging “cancel culture”, the idea that an individual who messes up should be “canceled” as a consequence of their negative action, hence dismissing them from having a solid space in your life. The term has a negative connotation due to the assumption that many are quick to judge. To address a toxic relationship more critically, we can take the time to observe and question before making any concrete decisions.

At the end of the day, if we prioritize and respect our time and attention to the highest level, then we wouldn’t even think twice about ditching any toxic relationship that doesn’t positively serve us.

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Whether we like it or not, the people we surround ourselves with influence us in one way or another. Hence, surrounding ourselves with those who can uplift our spirits and help us improve, is better for our mental health and wellbeing in the long run.

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According to inspirational speaker, Jim Rohn, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. While the accuracy of the statement can be questioned, the influence of the people we spend the most time with is undoubtful.

“Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. Fumigate.” — Mandy Hale, author of The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

All in all, as toxic as some relationships come out to be, every relationship has a lesson to provide. We can become more rational with the people we build friendships with. While studies have shown that there is a tendency for friendships to form through similarity, bad habits are also disastrously encouraged in the process.

Ultimately, the relationship we have with ourselves — the respect, kindness, and love we give ourselves matters most. Standards need to be set. Eventually, with increased awareness, and goals that lead towards self-improvement and growth, we should be wary of the people we allow to be thieves of our time and attention. We are not only exposing our spirits to unnecessary negativity but are also wasting the limited time that we have in life.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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