If you’re like me and you’re on dating apps, you might have seen some dating profiles that include the three letters “ENM” in their bio’s. The first time I saw it, I had to look it up, and as it turns out, it was a relationship style that I was already familiar with, tried, and failed at.
In this article, I’ll fill you in on how I first heard about polyamory, my brief experience with it, what I’ve learned about the style, and if I’ll ever be open to trying it again.
What is ENM?
ENM stands for ethically non-monogamous. It’s also referred to as being polyamorous or being in an open relationship, where maintaining and nurturing multiple loving relationships is accepted and supported.
I first learned about polyamory from a friend who practiced it, as did her partner, and I was immediately intrigued. She told me that it was a way to explore their desire to connect sexually and emotionally with other people while maintaining their relationship. They developed and outlined boundaries and rules that guided them carefully through their exploration with other partners. A commitment to honesty, transparency, and frequent communication, ensured they always felt safe and reassured.
Hearing my coworker’s experience made it sound easy, but I knew it had to be more complex in practice. I wondered if it was something I could ever do with my boyfriend and decided to talk to him about my curiosity about it.
Telling my boyfriend I wanted to open our relationship.
After initially learning that open relationships were a thing, I was nervous to talk to my boyfriend about it. When I told him, he was naturally skeptical and had a lot of insecurities and fear around the idea. He thought it was my roundabout way of breaking up with him, and he couldn’t understand why I would want anyone else but him as if he wasn’t enough. His feelings were completely valid and understandable. It was a shock, so I don’t blame him for not immediately being ok with it, nor did I expect him to.
I tried to reassure him as best I could, explaining that I was feeling a need to explore more connections with men and that I would support him in exploring connections with other women, too, if he wanted to. Finally, after some time, he came around to the idea of trying it, and it was about to change things forever.
Soon after our conversation and agreeing to move forward with opening our relationship, he had an opportunity to explore a connection with another woman he was attracted to. At that point, we hadn’t yet had any detailed conversations to establish our rules and boundaries, but I told him I was ok with it, including the potentiality of him having sex with her. With that, we parted ways for the night.
The next morning, he told me everything, and I fell apart. Even though I consented to him having this experience, I didn’t expect it to be that painful, and I realized that there were more than a few things that I was not ok with. In trying to process what had happened, I just wanted to take it all back and never mention anything about an open relationship ever again, but it was too late for that!
Everything happened way too fast, and a few days later, we broke up. The event shook the relationship to its core, and there was no coming back from it as far as he was concerned. I was devastated.
It’s been years since our breakup but I’ve remained curious about non-monogamy and continued to learn more about it, despite my experience.
Polyamory isn’t always about sex. It’s about love.
Many people unfamiliar with non-monogamous relationships might assume that people decide to be polyamorous so that they can flippantly have sex with whoever they want or that it gives them a license to cheat. This is not the case at all. There are so many different styles of polyamory, including some that don’t involve sex at all. Still, more importantly, it’s a style that demands those that consent to it approach the topic and practice with extreme honesty and respect.
We need to let go of the notion that venturing beyond monogamy is wrong or shameful, or that it calls for us to behave dishonestly.
Tristan Taormino. Opening Up.
Those interested in practicing polyamory have to work together to design the type of open relationship they think will work for them, as it can be very different for every person or couple.
Polyamory is a love style centered on communication, compassion, honesty, respect, and being authentically yourself. This isn’t to say that monogamous relationships don’t encompass those as well; of course, they do, but there are circumstances where being authentically you might mean sharing love with multiple partners.
One challenging part of non-monogamy is that it defies everything we’ve been taught or shown what relationships should look like. Stepping outside of what is deemed normal and societally accepted is a scary thing.
You’re my everything?…
Our partners can’t be everything to us, can they? That’s a lot of pressure for anyone and can cause someone to become dissatisfied with their partner or feel like their needs and desires aren’t completely satisfied. For monogamous couples, this would be a point where one partner might start thinking about ending the relationship, curious if there is someone else with whom they could be more compatible in all the ways they need.
This can be a cycle that continues many times throughout someone’s life as one tries to find “the one.” Sometimes this means leaving behind partners they love deeply and may want to keep in their lives in some capacity but can’t within the bounds of monogamy. In polyamory, a relationship doesn’t have to end to pursue another.
The draw of polyamory is that there is no limit to the level of or the number of connections that can develop with other people. It is an invitation to explore and get to know different parts of the self that are brought alive through sharing relationships with different people. Partners are free from the expectation of feeling like they have to fulfill every need and desire for someone and can welcome additional partners who can satisfy a specific need or desire while remaining with the person who would be considered their “primary” partner.
There is no specific formula. However, people practicing polyamory can design a style that is unique to each relationship.
Nonmonogamous folks recognize that during a lifetime you can and will be attracted to other people even if you are in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship; they make room in their relationship for these attractions rather than allow them to cause anxiety, jealousy, and unreasonable expectations.
Tristan Taormino. Opening Up.
Don’t get me wrong, I support monogamy and believe that people can and do have wonderfully fulfilling relationships and are genuinely happy sharing their lives with one person. My grandparents’ relationship was a testament to that kind of forever love and commitment, and they built a great life together.
Non-monogamy is not for the faint of heart.
I’ve learned that non-monogamy is NOT easy. It’s not for everyone, and it takes incredible communication skills and emotional intelligence.
Insecurities, jealousies, attachments, fears of abandonment, judgments from other people, and resentments — you can expect all of these to come up, and it will require a lot of patience and compassion for yourself and for your partner to navigate through them together.
You want someone who is self-aware, with strong communication skills, good boundaries, and a clear sense of who they are and what they want.
Tristan Taormino. Opening Up.
Are you considering an open relationship?
If you’re considering an open relationship, approach with care and invest the time in learning more about it. Read books, talk to someone you know who is practicing non-monogamy, or find an online community to learn more. For example, Facebook groups and Instagram/TikTok creators focus on polyamory informational content that is hugely beneficial and provides various perspectives.
Relationships are hard enough as it is, let alone more than one at once, so making sure you are standing on solid ground will be super important to establish before stepping into non-monogamy.
Do the work on yourself, because it all starts there. I believe my attempt at opening my relationship didn’t work because we both still had so much work to do on ourselves and within our relationship. Together, we couldn’t handle being tested so intensely, and it is no surprise to me now that our relationship ended because of it.
Develop your self-awareness and prepare to handle the issues I mentioned in the previous section. Get cozy with your feelings, and communicate them often.
You might try polyamory if:
1. you want to have multiple relationships and define those relationships on your terms
2. you have the desire and capacity to love, share emotional and sexual intimacy, and commit to more than one partner
3. you don’t want to limit yourself to “just sex” from your additional relationships
4. you want to explore different sexual or relationship dynamics with people of different genders
5. you want certain erotic and emotional desires, needs, and fantasies fulfilled by different partners
Tristan Taormino. Opening Up.
Will I ever try non-monogamy again?
Non-monogamy might not be for everyone, but it is for many people, and I believe everyone should explore their curiosities and be their authentic selves.
As for me, I’m going to continue to learn more, keep exploring and learning about myself, and keep my mind and heart open.
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All quotes I’ve included in this article are from Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. There is so much more to unpack when navigating polyamory as it is not one size fits all. Tristan’s book is an excellent resource, but here are a few other resources you can look into if you are interested in learning more:
Books
- The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
- More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
Podcasts
- Sex Out Loud with Tristan Taormino
- Amory with Megan Bhatia
- Multiamory with Emily, Dedeker, and Jase
YouTube
- https://www.instagram.com/polyamorydatingadvice/
- https://www.instagram.com/polyphiliablog/
- https://www.instagram.com/polyamproud/
- https://www.instagram.com/chillpolyamory/
Are you practicing non-monogamy? Strictly monogamous? What are your thoughts?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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