3 Unfair Expectations Women Have of Men

Men and women enter into relationships without understanding the expectations that each has for the relationship, themselves, and for their partner. There are conversations to have within a relationship and then there are the covert expectations that most people are reluctant to share with their partner.

What is a covert expectation? Often referred to as a covert contract, it’s an unspoken and unshared agreement between two people of which one is aware, and the other is unknowingly held to. This usually happens when one person has an expectation of another, potentially an unagreed upon exchange in their head between themselves and their partner — without sharing this expectation with their partner. Think marriage…

Married couples often have covert expectations of each other.

“If I do this, then they will do something for me.”

Some prime examples:

“If I buy her dinner, then she’ll have sex with me.”
“If I tell him that I love him, then he will love me back.”
“If I have sex with him, then he’ll want to be with me”

Hidden expectations create a false sense of security in all relationships. Fractured partnerships often leave one partner unaware of the building tensions and dangers lurking within the relationship amid the growing disappointments and resentments.

Leading us to 3 unfair expectations women have of men.

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Men Can Read Minds

There is this notion that I believe gets passed down from generation to generation, and as odd as it is, women continue to subscribe to the belief that their significant other can read their mind… should read their mind and fully understand their needs. The notion that keeps this toxic belief alive is…

If you (he/she) truly loves me then they should know and understand what I need, what I am needing to be happy. (momentarily)

This toxic, irrational, and lazy belief, unrealistically makes the other person responsible for another’s happiness, or in a general sense, their feelings. As most human beings struggle with understanding and gauging their own feelings, expecting your partner to successfully carry this weight and manage their own feelings, is a losing battle.

Expecting your partner to read your mind, allows you to unhook yourself from the heaviness of your situation, and blame another human being for the multiple reasons why you are in a state of unhappiness. I believe it’s common for people to blame others for their lack in life, lack of money, lack of opportunity, lack of happiness, lack of love…etc. Rather than communicate with honesty and openness and accountability, it’s easier to tell another human being that they aren’t making you happy. This is complete bullshit, irrational, and unrealistic. It’s absolutely a recipe for disaster and failure that will erode the foundation of your relationship.

This is not just an irrational expectation that women have of men, it’s just most common. However, men also expect this of women, potentially, usually surrounding intimacy and sex.

In most of my past relationships, it has not been uncommon for me to have to tell a woman clearly…

I do not read minds, if you expect this of me, I will fail 95% of the time.

My quick advice for men and women:

Your partner absolutely cannot read your mind. You must communicate your wants, needs, and desires to allow your partner the opportunity to meet them.

Suffering in silence is not your friend, this will never serve you as you may think it will.

Do your best to move through the fear of communicating your feelings despite what you have been told, taught, or experienced. The risk of discovering a deeper, more connected relationship with a good partner is 10x worth the risk, over sitting in silence and staying with a shitty partner who doesn’t care.

Men, stop pretending that you can read minds in a foolish attempt to build attraction. You are the problem, and you are using it to convince women that you‘re a ‘nice’ guy and that they should date you because of that simple fact. Understand this, women do not want or like ‘nice’ guys. Women are smarter than you think and have a keen sense to smell bullshit. Given my experience, women appreciate good men with a good sense of self, you don’t have to have your shit figured out, but at least be honest about it, work on crushing those irrational fears, and stop pretending to be perfect.

Men Can’t Commit

I blame Hollywood for this one, and although the fear of commitment is real for men and women, men usually get stuck with this expectation. Unlike most expectations, this is an unfair expectation because a large group of women actually believe it. In most cases, when people hold tight to their beliefs they eventually see what they want to see, and create situations that bring those beliefs to life.

It’s like being convinced that your partner is cheating. Regardless of how innocent and dedicated to you they are, all you will see are signs of cheating. Eventually, you will force this person to leave or into a potential situation where they actually cheat on you. The mind is powerful, and your belief systems can cause you more harm than good.

Have you ever had a conversation with a woman who knew men so well, (not really) but missed two very important factors. One, not all men are the same (very common belief), and two, not all men want to keep playing the dating game. The reasons why a man won’t commit even if he’s in love, are pretty broad, but two common factors play a role. Speaking from a male point of view. One, the woman is not the right one for him (putting it nicely), and two, she wasn’t honest about what she wanted or who she was.

Men are also complex, probably not as complex as women but men commit every day to their jobs, passions, what drives them, their kids, and families. Possibly in ways that some women aren’t ready to fully understand. One great example, if he shows up for you and is always there for you, he is committed. Maybe just not in a way that you want him to be.

No one likes to feel rejection, but forcing a person into any type of commitment they aren’t ready for should make them want to run. It’s just as bad as a person using sex for the sole purpose of obtaining a relationship. Things are always bound to go bad at some point.

My quick advice for men and women:

Understand this, commitment phobias are real. However, they aren’t always tied to a commitment to a person or relationship. It can be a multitude of reasons unrelated to you. Try your best not to take it personally, but try and understand what is going on. Listen to what is being said instead of hearing what you want to hear.

Before chalking someone’s hesitation up to their fear of committing to you, ask questions to understand more about what’s going on. If someone has a real fear of commitment, make the right decision for yourself, not them.

Ultimately, men are not afraid of commitment, we commit every day to our families, jobs, friends, passions, and sometimes our vices. We show up every day, maybe not as our best selves, but we show and do our best without recognition, without praise, and in some cases without expectations. A committed man may not always fit the expectation in your head, and that should be okay.

Men Are Always Ready and Eager For Sex

This is entirely not true. What makes this an unfair expectation is obvious. Expecting anyone to be ready and eager for sex at the drop of a hat is completely irrational.

However, there are some people that believe this to be the case within their relationships. I’ve heard women talk about how much of a chump their man was because he didn’t want to ‘take’ her after she put on something sexy. I’ve listened to another woman, explain how her husband was incompetent because he didn’t want to bang her from behind while she was naked getting out of the shower. I listened to another woman explain while her husband was inadequate and didn’t fulfill her desires because he never wanted to have sex when she told him she was ready. These are several situations, that often play themselves out in many relationships and marriages today.

One thing that women should fully understand about men, is that the desires of men and women are not necessarily that different. Men, like women, are visual and mental. Yes, that does mean that for men, the biggest sexual organ is also the brain.

What women can completely trust a man who is half-turned on? How many women can tell the difference?

As life sometimes rocks your world, sex is not always the first thing on our minds, and we aren’t always ready and eager to go. As a man, our connectors go beyond our bodies and physical touch. Men, like women, have exhausting days and sometimes we are eager to pleasure our partner, but our bodies tell us it’s time to rest leaving our partners feeling rejected or feeling unattractive.

My quick advice for men and women:

Listen, when stress, arguing, and anxiety are constantly surfacing in your relationship surrounding sex and performance, there are many mental, emotional, and physical issues that can curb one’s performance, arousal, and desires.

Any person, being called inadequate, incompetent, or a chump because they weren’t turned on when their partner expected them to be is unacceptable. This is a key indicator that the relationship needs help. Take the time to communicate with your partner, to understand what’s really going on.

In my 20s I was dating a woman in her mid-30s. We took off to Vegas for a week, and one morning I was not in the mood. I tried everything, hell, we tried everything. My body was over-sexed, and mentally, I was exhausted. She sat with me rubbing my head, and we talked. No pressure, no fighting, no anxiety or shame. After about 30 minutes, I had one of the best sexual experiences of my 20s. She rocked my mind and gave me her body.

Communication works and builds trust, intimacy, and connection. Through communication and understanding, comes connection. Through connection, seduction, attraction, and intense arousal.

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What are some other unfair expectations that you have dealt with or are currently experiencing? Comment below…

LexNickels — Editor of One Minute Musings, a poet, writer, investor, consultant, sensualist. A guy daring greatly. Follow me on Twitter: @LexNickels

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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