Why Taking a Break Will Not Save Your Relationship

One thing is a fact: true love is a rarity.

So when you find it, your instinct is to keep it. All efforts are valid in an attempt to save your relationship. However, the desperation to fix a broken situation can blind you.

That’s when people make mistakes.

Many couples take a break as a last resort to save their relationship. What they don’t expect is that a break is a final push to end it. I’ve watched this happen multiple times, and the most remarkable example happened to my best friend, Linda.

Linda and Daniel were high school sweethearts. You know, the type of couple that makes you believe in love. They were sweet, respectful, helped each other with school, and even made long-term plans together.

This relationship was my role model of true love.

Everything changed when Linda went to University. The first problem was the distance. Now, they couldn’t see each other so often, and both of them are very sensitive. The second problem happened a few months later when Linda showed new interests — the new classes and friends gave her a new perspective on life.

Still, Linda and Daniel were determined to make the relationship work. After all, they loved each other deeply.

The decision to take a break was extremely painful for both of them, but they saw it as their best chance. The break didn’t last long: they knew their relationship wouldn’t make it after two weeks.

Now, I’m not satisfied with “the break didn’t work.” No, I was desperate not to make the same mistake and wanted to dig deeper into why it failed.

Here’s why taking a break will not save your relationship:

It’s a temporary solution.

In Linda’s case, the actual problems were the distance and the change in her interests. At that point, they were already drifting apart. So the break would never work because it makes the problem even worse — they become even more distant.

The only way to fix your relationship is to identify and work on the problem.

Chances are, a break is not the solution to your problem. On the contrary, a break is like a band-aid for a broken arm: it doesn’t work.

However, it’s a challenge to dig deep into the real issues of a relationship. Many times, they are not evident — people face inner troubles that they’re not aware of, and it reflects on the relationship.

Still, the only way to save your relationship is to do the hard work and find a solution.

It makes communication difficult.

The idea of a break is to take some time to breathe and organize your thoughts. You stay away from your partner and don’t communicate, so they don’t influence you.

When a relationship has a problem, both parties need to work together on the solution. And guess what the best way to find solutions is? Yes, with communication.

You can’t find a solution if you don’t communicate.

When you’re in trouble, that’s when you need to communicate. So a break has the opposite effect: with the lack of communication, the problem will remain there.

The rules are not clear.

The problem with breaks is that each break is unique.

Let me explain. Most relationships follow the same rules, especially when it comes to not cheating. But breaks are a mess. How long does it last? Can you see other people? If yes, are any people (like friends) out of limits?

The lack of clarity opens room for fights — which makes the problem worse.

Linda and Daniel didn’t discuss the rules of the break. Naturally, they developed different expectations. While Linda remained faithful, Daniel felt free to meet other people. As a result, Linda felt disrespected, and Daniel thought her demands were unfair since they were on a break.

In this case, nobody was right or wrong. But the lack of rules made the situation worse.

Relationships need some order — and breaks are the opposite of order.

The emotional job is on you.

One thing is for sure: breaks are emotionally demanding.

Imagine your partner asks for a break out of nowhere. For you, the relationship was fine, and this change caught you by surprise. Now, he’s enjoying his free space to figure out his feelings while you take the emotional job to feel insecure and accept a situation you didn’t ask for.

You’re left alone to wonder what went wrong with no explanation from the other side.

Couples are rarely on the exact same page when there’s a break. So one part will take on the emotional job, and the other will enjoy its benefits.

When there’s a problem in the relationship, both parties need to share the emotional job. A break will likely make this job fall only on one side, which is unfair and doesn’t help fix the problem.

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Every relationship faces trouble. The difference between successful and non-successful couples is how they deal with this trouble.

Taking a break is not the most effective strategy to fix your relationship. A break will make you apart when you need to work together and create new problems instead of solving the old ones.

Let me leave you with one last thought: although love should be cherished, you should not do it at any cost. Love is not supposed to make you uncomfortable — it’s supposed to make you feel safe.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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