What Guys Need To Know About Buying Presents

“I love this wine glass!” I say.

“It was ten dollars,” says my husband. “Why are you so excited about it?”

“I know,” I say. “But it’s so much fun, it’s got my name engraved on it.”

He’s completely baffled. The man who has ignored many a birthday and holiday finally thrills me with a gift. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no martyr. I’m not just a lover of cocktails, I’m a self-proclaimed jewelry whore. But if you know me, I have a joy of life and am a kid at heart.

Silly little gifts can excite me as much as an expensive one.

Holidays with my husband were painful and often ended in tears. When we were first married it was more about being ignored and his thoughtlessness.

Not even a cake on my birthday.

As time progressed, he became less oblivious and more intent on making sure things were not celebrated the way I hoped they were. I have one other good memory. It was a birthday after we initially repaired our marital problems. He bought me candy, magazines, and bath bubbles.

I made such a big deal that I received the same grocery store purchases for the next three years. But it was a significant deal. I’m a writer so I love my mags. I have an unfortunate chocolate addiction and I love to take baths.

On that birthday, he declared he knew what made me happy.

At least in my eyes.

Back to the no martyr part, when I asked for nicer things it was a battle. I never received my original diamond wedding band because the jeweler didn’t finish it in time. It didn’t go over well years later when I wished I could still get it. And then when my babies were born I had hoped for a birth gift but it never happened.

When I asked for these things I was deemed demanding. It didn’t have to be expensive jewelry either. One holiday I asked for a specific gold charm for my bracelet.

He said he didn’t have time to pick up the fifty-dollar item.

Our problem wasn’t necessarily the gift-giving. Every woman and every man has a different perception of what they believe a holiday should be. How it should be celebrated. Just how much should be spent. And exactly how much energy they want to put into it.

I grew up in a home with five siblings.

On Christmas morning we waited while each present was individually opened and everyone oohed. It lasted for hours. In my husband’s family, as they got older, they came down and opened gifts individually once they got up.

I come from a family of first responders. A deeply empathetic and caring group who spend a large amount of their time thinking about others. It’s in our DNA. It’s why they jeopardize themselves to rescue strangers.

My husband came from a more traditional family of roles. Each person was individually doing their own thing. There was very little crossover into one another’s lives.

I grew up with an intrinsic joy in giving. It was modeled in my home. And holidays were about a big Irish Catholic family being in the only place in the world they would want to be. With each other. Holidays were more about being a necessary ritual in his home.

But here’s where our marital holidays went terribly wrong. It was about allowing our family of origin and differences. Not arguing over them. It’s okay we had different ideas of what holidays should be.

It’s not okay my husband used them to prove me wrong.

One day I finally said to him, “I understand birthdays and holidays were not a big deal in your house. But in my house they were and it was a time to remind people they were incredibly loved. On your birthday we don’t have to do anything but on mine we do.”

It’s not about the gift.

It’s about communicating with the person you love.

What is their definition of a holiday? Of feeling loved? Of feeling like a priority?

And about asking ourselves, “Are we listening to our spouse, or are we trying to shove our opinion down their throat?” “Are we trying to send them a message, that they are wrong or shouldn’t decorate this way or spend this?”

Again, it’s about listening.

If you have been told again and again that you’ve hurt your spouse? That you’re not thoughtful in what you buy? That you go last minute just to get something? That you refuse to do certain things.

It’s time to recognize you’re making gift-buying and the holiday about yourself.

If you were working within the spirit of the season, you would be stepping outside of yourself and your own thoughts and opinions.

To give the one you love what brings them joy.

It’s not that complicated to put a smile on someone’s face.

There are a lot harder riddles in the world to decipher than figuring out what would make your significant other happy. Yes, there are some difficult personalities who can’t be pleased. But there are a lot of women crying the same message over and over again.

Stop fighting me, start listening to me.

There are only a few times a year a gift reminds me what I mean to you.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***