It’s Time To Be Impeccable With Our Words

I read an article recently by a writer I respect with a subheading entitled, “Stop being a pussy.” The section implored his readers to have the courage to take risks. We all get this terminology and it’s not just men who use it. I’ve heard plenty of women saying things like “grow a pair and do the right thing,” or so-and-so has some real “cajones.” The implication is that we associate courage with masculinity. But it’s time for a change.

I’m a man, and I love my truck and my chainsaw. I love doing physical work, in particular, I love doing physical work with men — the connection and bonding. I enjoy talking and learning about tools, building techniques, how to fix things, how to be self-sufficient. I also enjoy talking intimately with men about their struggles in life — their pain and their grief.

I love how my wife and I balance each other in so many ways. I split the wood, she does the laundry. I cut dead trees down, she gathers up the branches, sorts, and makes piles for heating our home (the necessities of off-grid living). But we also decorate our home together. We cook meals together, and while she does most of the laundry, I enjoy folding it. The point is, there is balance.

The misconception so many people have (and I mostly mean men) is that such division of roles equates to male superiority, and the language we use reinforces it.

Our Perception of Strength is Flawed

We see strength and courage as a male thing, but that’s only because we have held a belief that doing physical work requires courage. Sometimes it does, but only in the sense that certain jobs are risky in a physical way. For example, using a chainsaw can be very dangerous and even life threatening. But how many women have lost their lives giving birth? And yet, so many women yearn for the experience. In fact, we’re all here living our lives precisely because a woman had the courage to give birth. If men were given the option of having a baby, how many would? I don’t believe many.

I see myself as a strong man, but not because I enjoy using a chainsaw and like talking about tools. I’m strong because I’ve learned to embrace my feminine side. I don’t consider myself to be a manly man, but I’m not feminine either. I’m balanced, and my greatest strength is derived from my ability to look inward and face what I see.

I love my chainsaw, but I’m a little bit afraid of it too, because I know all it takes is a second of absent mindedness to severely injure myself. My wife gave birth naturally, without an anesthetic, three times. She put herself through college and worked a personal development program while raising her children by herself. When I came along, they were in their teens.

Both my wife and I were raised in abusive homes. Which is one of the reasons we’re so good together, because we understand what we’ve been through and what it takes to heal from such a childhood. Knowing what she’s been through, it’s easy for me to perceive her strength.

Maybe we should say, “grow a pair of breasts” instead of cojones, because what is strength really? Lifting something heavy or bearing children? Running into battle in which we may lose our lives, or facing our inner demons? Getting up at 4am every day to go to work to get a paycheck to put food on the table, or loving children wholeheartedly every day of their lives.

We think it’s masculine (and therefore strong) to provide financially for a family, and financial support is of greater importance than nurturing children. Yes, it requires strength to work and make money, but it requires a much deeper kind of strength to love children wholeheartedly every single day. Yes, it is brave to run into battle to do what you think is right, but it requires an even greater strength to face one’s inner demons. If it were easy to face our inner demons our world would be nearly utopian. If it were easy to love wholeheartedly everyone would do it, but we don’t.

There is a Cherokee proverb that says, “A woman’s highest calling is to lead a man to his soul so as to unite him with Source. A man’s highest calling is to protect woman so she is free to walk the earth unharmed.” Many indigenous cultures are matriarchal because they perceive women to be the more spiritual gender. Which also demonstrates the courage of the men in these cultures, in their willingness to protect and support women and follow their lead.

Being Impeccable with our Words Takes Courage

Many men, and some women, are resistant to changing the language we use. Some think it’s silly. Some say we’re trying too hard to be politically correct. But language is important. It represents our values and reinforces belief systems that no longer serve us.

It doesn’t serve us to think less of women. It doesn’t serve us to associate their woman-ness with weakness. It denigrates half of humanity and therefore dismisses much of what they have to offer. Remember in times past when women authors had to publish under male pseudonyms. Or in the not-so-distant past we used to burn women at the stake for speaking their minds. How much has humanity missed out on because we haven’t accepted the unique strengths of women?

Truly though, every man has a feminine side, and every woman has a masculine side. And the denigration of femininity has been a huge disservice to men (specifically boys) because they grow up learning to suppress their feminine sides, which leads to a multitude of destructive pathologies.

Many learned scholars have written voluminous wisdom about feminism, misogyny, and the patriarchy. I don’t have much to add to the understandings other than my own experience, but I am sending out a call to change our language. It’s time. It’s long past time. Because words are important. They reflect what we think and feel.

Language Entrains Our Way of Thinking

Language also entrains our thinking. If every time we hear in a movie, television show, read it in a book, hear a friend or coworker using such references as “grow a pair” or “don’t be a pussy” it’s reinforcing that feminine is weak.

I grew up with a misogynistic stepfather. He put a lot of distorted thinking in my head regarding women and sexuality. But even as a boy there was something in his narrative that didn’t seem quite right. Then in school, I heard my male peers espousing the same kind of narrative. I assume they got it from their fathers and stepfathers and were merely passing it along. I was often disturbed by their characterizations of girls and women.

Fortunately, something about the masculine narrative never seemed quite right, but I went along with certain portions of it for part of my adult life merely because I thought I was supposed to. Because of all the reinforcement associating femininity with weakness, I therefore associated masculinity with strength and superiority.

But I’ve grown weary of the patriarchal narrative. I’ve grown tired of hearing men (and even some woman) using the p-word to describe weakness, and references of male genitalia to infer strength. It reinforces the worst part of us, and entrains us to think in a way that keeps us stuck — continuing to contribute to an imbalanced culture.

It’s Not About Being Politically Correct

You could say it’s about respect. You could say it’s about balance. You could also say that it just makes sense. We would consider a parent as unfit or abusive were he or she to call their child stupid or weak. So why do we reference an entire gender as weak when it couldn’t be farther from the truth?

Our culture and our world are in a state of sickness. The things we justify as necessary, such as war and bombing civilian population zones in foreign countries, and the manufacture of weapons of mass destruction. Let’s face it, nuclear weapons are not designed to disable military targets. We are at war with the natural world and with each other. We judge people by the color of their skin, their political beliefs, their sexual orientation, their religion, and even the very gender that ensures human survival — the life-givers.

Changing our language to reflect a higher aspirational goal of unity and respect would be a profound step in the right direction toward healing the sickness of humanity. The time has come.

The Pendulum Swings

We don’t need to swing to the opposite extreme either, as is often the case. Maybe for the short term that might improve things, but in the long term what we need is balance and respect for both the sacred feminine and the masculine. Then boys can grow up without being at battle with their feminine side, which would lead to strong and authentic men. It would also lead to women owning and honoring their strength, so together we can heal our culture and co-create a better world for all of us.

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This post was previously published on Equality Includes You.

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