Why I Stopped Loving You

Sometimes we have to make hard choices. This was the most difficult decision I’ve made in my relationships.

I don’t fall in love easily. I’m very meticulous about who I let in. Trust and loyalty are two valuable qualities I seek in a partner, and you had them.

You had it all, manners, education, ambition, humility, and charisma, yet that wasn’t enough for me.

We were each other’s first, but we didn’t have sex for two years. I told you I wanted to wait, and you respected my decision — which is kind of why I fell in love with you.

We were two love birds. Inseparable at first and shared a bliss that got people jealous.

After a while, everything changed. My taste in men changed.

I started taking an interest in sophisticated, more educated, more experienced men.

I started craving a crazy wild romance kind of relationship.

You were no longer good enough for me. You didn’t satisfy my sexual urges. Sex with you became boring.

All the qualities that had initially attracted me to you started to annoy me. I saw your humility, your introverted life, and your calmness as weaknesses.

If you called in the day just to know how I was doing or dropped in on me without notice, I took it as stalking.

Your love turned into what felt like an obsession. I felt like I was suffocating.

When I told you I needed some time to think things through, you did not as why?

Getting through you was never hard. You were kind and understanding.

You knew that if I was asking for a break, then there must be a good reason for it.

…

Then I left town. And that was the beginning of the end. I met another guy, and I cheated.

The guilt of betraying you, the man I loved, made it impossible to continue the affair.

So, I return home. Our home! To give our love a second chance, burying the truth about my betrayal deep inside.

I knew it would have broken you, and you didn’t deserve that.

At a point, I started feeling stuck. I felt like I was only staying with you out of sympathy.

After we broke up, you spiraled, got depressed. I had to move to another state to keep myself from going back to you.

It’s been fifteen years, and I still can’t forget the love the brought me down to my knees. A love my soul surrendered to.

You taught me how to be humble. How to be considerate of others. You would always think of how your actions influenced other people.

I haven’t found your replacement, and I probably won’t. I am keeping my fingers crossed, though.

I know it didn’t make sense then, but here is why I said goodbye to loving you, the most amazing man ever.

…

I was selfish at that time.

Yes, my love was centered around me. I thought of myself first, second, before you. I did what I wanted without considering how it affected you.

I let my hormones do the thinking instead of my heart.

I wasn’t loyal to you. I made decisions that could have endangered your life.

I was a girl looking to enjoy every day in a euphoric erotic pleasure and testing every bit of my erogenous zones.

That was too much for you to handle, yet you tried to give me your best.

I had no idea sex could be transformed by practicing different fantasies. I passed off your lack of experience as a biological defeat. If only we communicated more on this.

…

I was very young to know what I wanted in a man.

As a young girl, I just wanted to have a good time. Have someone to hang out with.

I had no expectations, no dreams, and no aspirations. I was just a girl looking for a companion to explore her sexual animal.

Sadly, you were not in the same place as I was. I was still looking to find myself, but you figured out your life earlier.

I felt like a distraction. I thought I was the stumbling block to your career. I thought I was doing right by not being with you.

If I had known better, I would have committed to growing within the relationship. We would have discovered our identifies without needing to end things.

…

I had low self-esteem.

It was intimidating being around you. Young people are suppose to be riskless and careless towards life, but you were the opposite of that.

I couldn’t keep up with your progressive nature. I felt little, so I contributed little to your life.

I only felt adorable in your eyes, and that too was much to accept. You were too good to be true, so I doubted your intentions towards me.

If I could take it all back, I would have acted differently.

Seventy years later, you are still the same reliable and charismatic fellow, and I’m left wondering, “why didn’t I have faith in you?”

…

I was a pessimist back then.

Love doesn’t come easy, yet you did. For me, that was the first warning sign that we weren’t meant to be.

I also believe that teen love never lasts. I didn’t put in the effort to see we could make it work.

You were the only one fighting for us. I let you shoulder the responsibility of keeping us together.

I should have known you were just as young even though your height and maturity exceeded your age.

I didn’t know relationships were difficult and needed both partners to work together for it to strive.

…

I got bored with your introverted lifestyle.

I shouldn’t blame you for this. I know you could have changed this side of you if it were possible.

In the beginning, you tried to get used to my extroverted life. You hung out with my friends and me. You didn’t mind that I stayed up late chatting or partying with my friends and co-workers.

You were understanding and gave me the freedom to be real to myself as much as you possibly can.

You stayed up late waiting for me, sacrificing your time and resources to make me happy. I still look back on our fun memories, and I smile.

You were real! And that hurts.

Our expectations of a partner were completely different. My commitment issue didn’t help, either.

Indeed, some people never stop loving while others have an easier time moving on. Mine had been the former. You will always remain my irreplaceable love.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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