Drop the Mind Games in Dating

I saw a comment thread on Twitter where someone was complaining that “women were undateable these days” because of their “atrocious” behavior. He went on to outline accepting dates to fancy places, but not getting naked with him at the end of the evening, ghosting, and letting him know they were also dating other men at the same time.

While he was not exactly self-aware in his rant (perhaps miscommunicating his actual beliefs, but coming across as transactional e.g., that he wanted to trade his financial stability for a woman’s sexual favors), I’ve heard many such stories from my female and male friends that people don’t always act with integrity — especially on dating apps.

Nearly everyone is (presumably) trying to put their best foot forward when dating to come across as desirable as possible, at least initially, but common courtesy still seems to be missing. Ghosting is prevalent — after all, you’re nothing but a photo and a first name most of the time — as are head games and an element of playing hard to get or playing the field simultaneously. On top of that are those people who are pretending to be less interested than they really are so they don’t scare off their intended.

The author of the thread also complained how he would take girls (sic) on a date, and then wait three days before contacting them, at which point he’d offer up a last-minute invitation to whatever thing he was on his way to do.

I’m not surprised his strategy isn’t working for him: I’m not at all a fan of mind games, and I know tons of others who are my outlook. I prefer to be straight up with the person I’m interested in — and vice versa — rather than have to guess how they feel. And if they are not as into me as I am into them, that’s cool: There are plenty of other people out there to meet, and I wish them well.

If I’d been out with the ranter, and had a good time on the date and wanted to see him again, I’d text afterward (yes, that night) and tell him how much fun I’d had, and thank him for the date. If he didn’t respond by the next day, I’d assume he was nursing other options and/or just not that interested, and I’d maybe be disappointed for a minute, but I’d move along. And a last-minute invitation would make me feel like an afterthought or backup plan, rather than someone whose time he valued. Especially after three days of silence. Like the women he was taking out, I also would probably decline.

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Knowing someone you like is interested in you too is sexy. Knowing they want to see you again — and are willing to make plans ahead of time — is also attractive. Feeling like one of many in a rotation might be fine for those who don’t want relationships, but is a turnoff for those who do.

When I (briefly) tried online dating post-divorce, I went out twice with a guy I was interested in continuing to get to know. But I’ve never been the type to juggle multiple potential relationships simultaneously. I prefer to focus on one person at a time and see how I feel and gauge our compatibility. This guy expressed interest in me, but also made it clear that he was seeing other people, so I backed off. I knew the person who was for me wouldn’t also want a stable of other women at his beck and call; He’d just want me.

When I met my boyfriend, he made it very clear from the beginning that he was interested in me, and me alone. He responded to texts quickly and made — and followed through with — advance plans. Our relationship has been straightforward and rich with authenticity because we intentionally began it that way.

If you start off playing mind games, it’s hard to drop later in favor of authenticity. If your goal is to be a part of a healthy and true connection with your partner, start as you mean to continue — without mind games. Be clear about your boundaries and goals from the beginning. Even if you get ghosted or it’s not what the other person is looking for, you’re just clearing the path of the wrong matches in favor of something better, truer, and more aligned with you and your goals. After all, isn’t that the purpose of looking for a relationship?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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