There is very little worse than a child who throws fits or a teenager’s push-back. Acknowledging the differently-abled nature and individual timing of each child’s formation, there are some things that hold true for all:
We all have the need to feel like we are in control of our lives on some level.
Or we need at least the semblance of control if we don’t have any. And children don’t usually have the mental capacity to see what is coming next, to predict outcomes, and imagine life differently than it is. Right. Now.
Being present has its benefits, to be sure. But not being able to see where things are headed, or having a skewed perspective because of age or trauma can be harmful and detrimental to their own development.
For the last two and a half years of our lives, my children and I have been struggling to survive an unnecessarily nasty divorce. I have watched them try to wrap their head around things that are impossible to understand without the perspective of my years with their father…and more.
Each has struggled to find just one piece of their lives that they, personally, can control. This is healthy. This is human nature.
They both deal with anxiety now. We medicate with some CBD and some L-theanine. They are old enough that I don’t worry about the use of either of these supplements, by the way.
One of them struggles with eating and caring for herself on a basic level. Yes, this is the baby of the family. The older ones control their work lives, their money, their time, and have learned to say “No”. One of the girls deals with a mild case of escapism, reading or being on her phone, with her room door shut, 90% of the time she is home. They all are finding their way forward, slowly.
They all have an incredible therapist who came recommended by a good friend, a psychologist. We have been very, very fortunate.
My artist daughter is finding some relief in the exploration of using clay to make pottery. My gift to her for her last birthday (with the help of a friend) was some lessons and lots of time in the pottery shop. She is loving it, to say the very least.
My baby, the singer/dancer, is fully engaged and engrossed in her life as a show-choir member. It takes most of her waking hours, outside school and dance class. It’s really good for her…maybe not so much for me, however. Goodness!
Control. How do we help them see that they have control over some things in their lives without making life totally drudgery?
No kid wants to “take care of themselves”. I think it’s the special one that really takes initiative and carpe diems their life every damn day. We can tell them that they are “in charge” of their own mental and physical health. We can give them tools. But, the old adage remains…You can lead a horse to water…you know how it goes.
We can love the shit out of them and even obsess about how to provide a better environment for them to thrive. We can buy them lessons, find them mentors, and give them everything they need to thrive, but it doesn’t mean they will.
To be stable, a child has to want to be stable. They have to recognize that there is another way to be in the world that is not the way it is currently. They have to want to do their own part in the healing process.
For us, that looks like my daughters remembering to take their supplements. It looks like making time for friends and actually doing it. It looks like a ski date with friends, laughing, eating pizza, and playing Cards Against Humanity. It looks like going to work out and do their homework, practicing their instruments and reading books on the sunny couch.
I have found that there is nothing more important for my children right now than to hand the power and control to them in every instance that I can. Their trust for other people has diminished greatly through this process. I take care of everything I can, facilitate the growth that I can, and encourage them to care for themselves with every breath.
I realize that not every child has a parent that can be as present as I am for mine. Thus, the village is an integral part of life for us all. Helping them build their own village, after pulling ours together, is vital. They NEED to know that they are not alone, that there are people they can trust, and that someone has their backs.
I cannot be that person for them all of the time. I have been the source of betrayal, grief, and pain to them, even if it was inadvertently. I didn’t mean to have this happen to them. But it was my choice-the choice to marry their father 28 years ago-that has put us here.
They don’t blame me, but I am implicated, even on the tiniest of levels. They need other people, men and women alike. We all do.
Stabilizing our children during the most unstable of times is not for the weak-hearted. It takes its toll, to be sure. I have been more than angry at times that this work has all been mine to shoulder. But, that anger has now turned into a reminder. It tells me to reach out. The village of support awaits.
For example: My third child left the house to go to work one morning last week after a hell of a weekend. My ex-boyfriend could and would not get his shit together and leave us alone. He ended up even texting her one evening. She was irate and irrational, almost.
So, I went to Facebook. I posted something about my amazing daughters, not fishing for compliments, but pleading to the locals for a favor. I asked if any of them would give a few minutes to that particular daughter today, if they had time. They could go get a coffee or a scone and just say “Hi”. Nothing else. She has an incredible smile and I knew it was the right thing to do. Her smile feeds everyone’s hearts.
People went. They bought the coffee and the scones. One even bought her a cinnamon roll. I even got a selfie with it after he left. She was beaming. Success!
Life is shit sometimes. It just is. Breaking out the toolbox, asking others for theirs, and living with deep longing and intention for our children is not wasted. Parenting intuitively is the most difficult, but the most beautiful work we can do. We’ve got this!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash
