The Hard Truth About Being an Insecure Partner

To say that someone doesn’t have any insecurities in her/him relationship is a lie. Even if you’re with the right person and is the happiest being taken, there are still moment where you wish you change one or two things about yourself.

My long-term relationship with my boyfriend has evolved into something much better than I expected. I thought we’d be stuck in such a toxic dynamic forever.

But therapy helped us, and we both are aware of the fact that if we want to make it last, we need to work harder on our insecurities.

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No one likes to admit that they aren’t perfect for their partner

I’ve witnessed too many compatible couples break up because their ego got in the way. The girl can be too jealous, and the guy feels trapped being with her. Yet both of them never actually sat down and discussed the solution.

People say a relationship is complex because there isn’t an exact formula/guidebook on how to solve your problems, but if you look at it closer, most relationship problems out there are repetitive.

And the fact that they can make it through and stay together for so long proves that there should be a solution to any of your problems.

I used to not believe that your insecurities could break your relationship with someone you truly love. The tricky thing is sometimes we don’t want to admit that we indeed have flaws. We want to be seen as we’re this perfect human being, and our partner shouldn’t expect us to work on those flaws.

But without being brutally honest with yourself first, you won’t be able to identify what’s the real problem.

Is it your jealousy? Is it your partner’s action that triggers those feelings? Do you think it’s really about them, or do you have something unresolved in your past?

Try to ask these questions and write down your answer somewhere so you can revisit and analyze it better. You may not get it right the first time you do it, but over time, the pattern becomes clear, and you’ll gain full clarity.

I eventually found out my dad was the cause of why I had chronic trust issues and too much jealousy. I saw him cheating and treating my mom badly when I was a kid, and that stuck in me for years.

But questioning what was really happening inside me and how I could conclude the problem was the first step I took to be a better partner.

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How you can use the clarity to change the narrative in your head

Once you know what you are truly insecure about in your relationship, it’s time to change the narrative in your head. There’s no better solution to how to do this other than practicing it every day.

If you’re insecure about your body, instead of thinking, “I wish I could be skinnier, prettier, taller and etc.” reframe that sentence into something more loving towards yourself, such as, “I know you aren’t happy with how you look right now, but you can always work on it if you want.”

When it comes to jealousy, though, it’s more complicated because the first thing we tend to do is to accuse our partner. But what we do is actually crush the connection and reduce the trust in the relationship.

So instead of running to your partner right away in the hope that they can remove all those uncomfortable feelings, first, ask some hard questions.

There’s no reason to put a filter on your answers or hold back because once you know what triggers your jealousy, you can then see if it’s worth your effort to bring it up to the surface. Most times, it’s just you and your worst assumptions.

I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid; of course, they’re. But how you react to it is what matters.

At the end of the day, no one likes to be with someone who can’t trust them and always jump to the worst conclusions before having the conversation first.

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You don’t have to be perfect to be in a healthy, long-lasting relationship with someone.

I’ve known single people who are hard on themselves and think they aren’t perfect yet to be in a relationship. They’re afraid their insecurities might ruin it.

But the reality is, even the healthiest couples aren’t expecting themselves to be perfect for each other. They know it’s impossible because the insecurities will always be there. It’s just a matter of how you handle them to not get the best of you.

I now admit my insecurities openly, and rather than trying to bury them, I embrace them.

I have no shame that my jealousy trait can show up sometimes, especially in my low days but what’s important is my full awareness to work on it every time.

You don’t have to be the perfect person alive in order to keep a relationship together.

It’s okay to be insecure and feel like your partner deserves better sometimes, but as long as you want to face those feelings and not run away from them, you’re good.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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