Falling in Love With Someone Who Doesn’t Exist

Our imagination is a powerful computer

We’re now going on the second generation of teenagers hitting adolescence in a digitally enhanced, dating app, social media world where the majority of their social interactions are no longer in person.

It is true, many people marry after meeting someone on a dating app but most people’s experiences are a manic, nearly psychotic, blend of pen-pal, long-distance, all-in-your-head, conflated, cerebral fantasy. Whereas, by the time you meet the person, they can’t live up to who you imagined them to be in your mind.

There’s nothing wrong with anticipation. For centuries, people met under trees, chatted, ate berries, and built up lovemaking fantasies so strong, by the time they actually performed some kind of coitus, it paled in comparison to what their imaginations had conjured up.

But at least the whole experience was based on reality.

We used to fall in love with someone in our classroom, workplace, local bar, billiards hall, or as a blind date. We didn’t have the technology to exchange pictures, videos, and instant messages, we phoned their landline and said, “Would you like to go get some pizza with me?” And stuff happened…or it didn’t.

There is no you

By the time you arrange to meet in person, you’ve already created the fantasy.

You’ve imagined you, and your new perfect lover, sailing the seven seas…or romantically cuddling together by the fire in a rustic log cabin. You’ve seen your whole future with this imaginary person flash before your eyes as you build up an impossible dream — from your first kiss to the twin burial plots you’ll purchase together in exchange for a free dinner at Red Lobster.

You desperately want to become the “you” that lives in your imagination, the one your digital lover fell in love with — the “you” living that blissful, best life with your soulmate.

But there is no ‘you’ anymore, just a bunch of tantalizing pixels and colorful flashing lights that triggered someone else’s romantic and sexual fantasies.

Yet in real life, you are the imperfect person who gets night sweats, has some health issues, and doesn’t make love like a character in a Harlequin romance novel.

Acknowledge your dreaming

You will be very little like the superhero your digital lover has conjured up in their minds.

You will fall short…as will she…and you will move on to the next exciting, fresh face and create more impossible to maintain, mental fantasies, anew.

I knew as a kid I’d never marry Farrah Fawcett or Dolly Parton…or the lady from the Wisk commercial, but a boy could dream.

We all mix up fantasy and reality. Even my famous teen idols were human, with very few of the extraordinary powers and skills I bestowed upon them. They were simply an adolescent’s fantasy — pin-up poster fantasies.

Meet super quickly

Swipe, say Hi, and ask to meet in person. Do not let your brain marinate in exaggerated fantasies about love and marriage with a pixel.

Don’t give your brain a chance to get addicted to fantasy, chat a day or two, then insist on coffee. That way, if something starts growing, it’s real, it’s organic, and you can present yourself, as yourself…bruises and all.

Summary

Between modern technology, the worldwide pandemic, and the potential of World War, more people are going to fall in love with an imaginary person.

For some, that’ll be just fine. They’re not interested in the real thing, they can marinate in the imaginary fantasy of someone who will never become real.

But for those who want the real thing, a human touch, a biological connection, there is only one way to create a fantasy that is real. And that is creating a foundation based on physical togetherness — not cerebral fantasy like a teenager peeking at porn.

There does seem to be more in-person dating platforms, partly as a result of the easing of Covid restrictions and partly as an acknowledgment that we want the real thing when it comes to romance, sex, and love.

All of these things we’re afraid of: being ghosted, breadcrumbed, mortified, humiliated, dropped, or dumped, can happen online or in person. There are no guarantees.

The best way to use social media and dating apps is as a quick introduction, like an old-fashioned blind date. Then, make plans for a “friendly” in-person meeting.

Look into their eyes. Brush their hand, with yours. Make them laugh or cry…or sing…or dance…make them feel something.

Because sometimes, delicious, imaginary fantasies actually do come true….but only in real life.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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