I believe there are universal characteristics related to Coming Out that each of us struggles with up to and including the moment we share something about ourselves that might make us more vulnerable than we are comfortable with experiencing.
After an extended period of time experiencing some mild to severe symptoms, I recently agreed to have a biopsy done on my prostrate. I went into the procedure very pragmatically thinking that if cancer is found, I will hit it head-on and follow the specialist’s counsel.
I had made up my mind in the time between the biopsy and the call from the specialist that I would follow whatever guidance would give me the best prognosis. I decided that if surgery was the best option, I would agree to it and if it was radiation or chemotherapy, I would agree to that.
When the specialist called me his first words were we found cancer early enough that you may very well make a full recovery. I had to stop and take a deep breath and start writing what he said. When he was finished telling me the results of the biopsy and the next steps, I thanked him and sat stunned in silence.
I had just heard that I have cancer and that surgery was the viable option for a good long-term prognosis.
It was early before I started my workday, so I was able to talk with my husband before I logged in for my day of meetings. I felt very supported by him and compartmentalized my emotions as I started my workday.
I did a thing that I thought had supported me so many times when I got really big news, I made it small and diminished it. I made it seem like it was going to be a cakewalk in my mind. It got me through the first day of knowing about it.
I made an appointment to meet with the surgeon specialist two days later, knowing the time in between would be stressful and bring on heaps of anxiety. The morning of the appointment came and my husband and I went to the office.
I am a process expert and as a result of that, I am always looking at how processes might be improved. The first step in meeting with the surgeon was to watch a 23-minute video on the diagnosis and the various treatment options. The video showed the surgical procedure.
For the first time, I was in a front-row seat watching what was going to happen during the surgery. At that moment, I could no longer make it small or insignificant, I had the face the intensity of the surgery and the post-op treatment.
I started the process of Coming Out when I had the diagnosis and went to continue it after I knew the go-forward plan. Each time I shared with someone that I had a cancer diagnosis, I was met with encouragement and support that gave me the confidence to fight it and win.
Coming Out about things that are personal to us is challenging for many of us. I struggle with feeling like I am broken or defective in who I am when I share things about myself that are stigmatized or considered shameful.
I have no control over being a gay man any more than I have any control over cancer that is in my body. And yet, I feel a sense of responsibility that makes me unworthy of love or support. I just hit these self-destructive thoughts head-on in order to be in the best shape mentally and physically for the fight ahead of me.
Coming Out about cancer feels every bit as scary as Coming Out as a gay man. My experiences with Coming Out as a gay man started more than 40 years ago and have for the most part been positive. This new Coming Out as someone with cancer will take some getting used to in order to not succumb to the negativity.
There are three Cs that I need to remind myself of as I move forward as someone living with Cancer.
1. I didn’t cause it.
2. I can’t control it.
3. I can’t cure it.
Those three Cs seem much kinder than the thoughts I have about having cancer in my body.
Our family mantra was developed when my husband received his end-stage liver disease diagnosis in 2015. We agreed to be 51% or higher in the positivity zone no matter what came at us. It worked for him and now it is time for it to work for me.
With much gratitude…
All my love and support, Phil!