The Honesty Box Is Missing

I’m waiting for it. The sarcastic remark, the eye roll, the “you know you are crazy, right?” glare, the snide chuckle under his breath. I’m waiting for his actions to back up what I just “know” he is thinking, but not saying; that I am too emotional, too expensive, too excitable, too needy, too, yeah…anything. And I may get tired waiting.

Because maybe, just maybe, he is actually honest. Maybe his actions will match his words. Maybe he means what he says and isn’t blowing smoke. I simply don’t know what to do with this man right now.

But what does he have to gain by being facetious?

If he wanted sex, he could get that anywhere. I mean, there are plenty of available, non-committal types. Cue my ex’s girlfriend. It takes a hot minute to find sex. But what if he really does want more than that?

He says he has lived the hard life long enough. He has done his partying, his many sleepless nights. He has been drunk enough times and fully lived out his 20s and 30s. He lived the hard-core life of the Army guy, did his time in the Special Forces and wants to settle down, live quietly, garden, have his chickens and enjoy life in a different way.

I’m trying to let it sink in as a possibility…that he really knows what he wants and is actually doing it. I mean, he is already doing it, right? He moved home to his hometown…the same hometown I have. He got to stay away longer, but we both did our time elsewhere. I got stuck here twenty years ago. He chose to be here, in the end. Maybe it’s exactly what was “supposed” to happen. Maybe something good will come out of this stupid little town, after all.

This man is independent, stable, financially secure, loving, generous, and capable of having a real relationship. That last quality makes him a unicorn, btw. I’ve never had one of those…capable men, I mean.

His arms feel like home and his lips are something I never even dared imagine. But his words are the things I am listening closest too. These matter most. And so far, he has shown up as a man of his word.

A man of his word…he told me he was one of those. I have had men of many words before. That is definitely not the same thing. In fact, I have ONLY had men of many words. One lived in a fantasy world where his reality didn’t line up with anyone else’s. (the ex-husband) The other two did their best, but couldn’t back up their words, poor guys. They tried. And failed, They failed themselves and me, my kids, and, and. But before they failed me and my kids, they had failed their parents, their own children, and their previous wives. There was big-time collateral damage in their wake.

But, today, I don’t have a box to put an honest man in. You know, the boxes our minds create to make sense of the world we live in? That kind of box. It just doesn’t exist yet.

What does a girl make this box out of? Is it made out of snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails? I’m serious…what am I to do?

He is funny (after his coffee kicks in), yet sincere. He works hard, loves intensely, knows sacrifice, and sees past the nose on his face. He is not all about himself. He does do his self-care, but is incredibly disciplined (maybe a little OCD), but what else would I expect from Army-man?

I find it sad that I don’t have a place to put an honest man. I grew up with a good man for a grandfather. He was hardworking and loved me deeply, like all of his other “favorite” grandkids. He’s been gone for a while now and I must have misplaced the box I had him in. Sometimes, I remember how it felt to be loved by someone who wasn’t complicated. He was a simple man and his love was not confused by his own agenda for me. He didn’t have one.

All of the other men in my life have had an agenda. My role was to be the perfect daughter, or I was dismissed as the “hippy dippy” sister, or seen as eye candy, or a trophy wife.

This man doesn’t have an agenda for me, so he says.

And so far, I haven’t seen one. Whatever life hands me, he seems good to just flow with it. He isn’t a unicorn, not yet anyway. But honest…maybe he is that.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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