Here’s Why You Should Never Sugarcoat Things in Your Relationship

I wanted to scream my lungs out, saying that I needed some space. We’ve been hanging out all week this week, and I just needed some “me time”.

But there’s only one problem — I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I wanted to make him happy and avoid fights at all costs. And you can guess that’s not the only time I sugarcoated things in order to “protect” my ex-boyfriend’s feelings.

Looking back, no wonder it didn’t work. I treated that relationship as if he was my boss and I was the employee. I had to always be mindful of what I was about to say.

In our society, especially here in Asian culture, it’s highly suggested that we always say the nice thing — or don’t say anything at all. That’s what my mom and the people around me have told me all my life.

We have this big pressure to be careful in choosing the right words at the right time because in their way of thinking, once you say something bad, you can never take it back.

While this might be applicable in day-to-day conversation with people you barely know, this concept of sugarcoating things just doesn’t work in relationships.

Do you really want to be with someone with who you can’t express your thoughts and feelings? Just because you don’t want to offend them? What’s the point of dating them, then?

You might as well stay as acquaintances.

With that being said, here are also other big reasons why sugarcoating is bad behavior that might ruin your relationship:

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It makes the communication unhealthy

It’s extremely hard to be with someone to who you can’t open up fully about pretty much everything.

Let’s be honest, life isn’t easy. One day you might get fired from work, your car may break down, and you feel depressed about your overall life.

Being in a relationship means you have someone to talk about those moments with. So it doesn’t make sense to hold back what you want to say just because you don’t want to upset your partner.

And on the other hand, your partner will feel like you never trust them fully. In their eyes, it’s like you’re building this wall, and you don’t want to let them in.

Over time, the misunderstanding will be all over the place, and you both will treat each other like strangers.

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You no longer want to be vulnerable around your partner

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Totally, yes, I’m good.”>> while the truth is, you’re feeling sad and just want to cry your eyes out.

There’s a power in raw vulnerability as it can bring you and your partner closer. Even having fights in a relationship isn’t always a bad thing.

It’s a chance to develop stronger and healthier communication skills with each other.

But most people don’t want to open up and be vulnerable in front of their partner because they don’t want to be judged. Especially men, they don’t want to be seen as weak by showing emotions.

So they keep all of those uncomfortable feelings to themselves and act like everything’s perfect all the time.

If you sugarcoat your feelings a lot like this to your partner, it’ll come to a point where you don’t feel like being honest anymore.

You’ll start to think this is the best way to keep both parties happy, but that’s what actually will push you further away from staying connected to your partner.

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It builds resentment over time

Eventually, when you are never honest about how you truly feel in your relationship, you’ll begin to resent your partner.

The resentment builds up every time you have to push down your emotions so you can keep him/her happy.

And you know what happens when one person has too much resentment over their partner? They shut down completely and might end up walking away from the relationship.

It’s expected — after all, you can’t be in a relationship where you can’t be truly yourself.

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The best thing you can do:

As you can see from the reasons above, sugarcoating your feelings in your relationship can actually do more harm than favor. It’s the fastest way to sabotage your own relationship.

Hopefully, you’re fully aware of this behavior at this point and understand that sugarcoating behavior won’t make you (or your partner) happier. Being aware of this fact is the most important step in trying to make it better.

Once you’re aware of it, take a baby step in expressing your thoughts and feelings in an honest way.

Don’t worry about offending your partner, and embrace the fact that disagreements don’t always mean your relationship is doomed.

It’s better to disagree sometimes and have an honest conversation so you and your partner can understand each other’s perspectives on a deeper level.

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Hi! Anggun here. I write about all things that you might struggle with within your love life. My main goal is to make you feel less alone on your journey. If you resonate with my stories, stay in tune by becoming a Medium member here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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