We’re allergic to exes.
They’re icky. They’re scary. They make us jealous and insecure.
It doesn’t help that literally everyone claims to be “over” the last person they dated — even when it’s painfully obvious that they are not.
So if you’re dating someone who has a past, what are some tell-tale signs that they’ve truly moved on?
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1. They don’t talk badly about their ex.
This one sounds counter-intuitive. At first, you’re going to want to hear your partner say all the bad things about their ex.
You’re gonna want to hear that she wasn’t even that pretty. That she was shallow and stuck up and needed to pack on five pounds of makeup before she left the house.
You’re gonna want to hear that the man had never heard of deoderant. That he was a sloppy kisser. That he never finished school and was flipping burgers for a living.
But, while it might be fun to hear about all their shortcomings, the ex-in-question probably had some pretty great qualities, too.
Maybe she was naturally toned with long, shapely legs and a beautiful smile that could charm just about anyone.
Maybe he was six-foot-two with incredible hair and a starting salary of $75k fresh out of college.
It sucks thinking about the possibility that someone’s ex was “better” than you in certain areas.
But then again, so what?
Clearly, their positive attributes weren’t enough to make your (current) partner stay with them. You don’t need to envision your partner’s ex as some type of hideous, undesirable monster as a method of self-assurance.
And if your partner speaks about their ex as though they were the anti-Christ, they have some deeper issues.
Remember — the opposite of love isn’t hatred. It’s indifference.
If they speak about an ex in a respectful and kind way, highlighting more positives than negatives, it’s a good sign that they’re emotionally detached.
2. They don’t draw comparisons.
Negative or positive, a person who is over their ex will not draw comparisons at all.
Obviously, they shouldn’t be telling you that you’re a downgrade.
But they shouldn’t be telling you that you’re better, prettier, smarter, or any other -er adjective, either.
Comments like “you’re so much prettier than her” or “you’re so much smarter than him” really just mean that they’re still thinking about the relative beauty or intelligence of someone else. (Who wants that?)
Like, imagine that you have a romantic moment that leads to a passionate make-out sesh. And afterward, your girlfriend looks at you and says:
“You know, you’re a way better kisser than Matt. Seriously, like, so much better. He used to do this weird thing with his tongue — ”
Ack.
I mean, technically it’s a compliment. But that’ll leave you wondering if she was really just thinking about Matt the whole time.
Ugh.
If your partner is really over their ex, he or she will know that you are two completely different people — so different that you aren’t even in the same ballpark.
You don’t even occur in the same sentence or in the same line of thought.
That is where you want to be.
Although, there may be one exception.
If they ever do draw a comparison, it should be about the quality of the relationship, not the quality of the person.
“Our lifestyles are more compatible.”
“Our communication is much healthier.”
“Our connection is stronger.”
If a comparison is to be made at all, it’s those types of things that you want to hear.
3. They make you feel secure in your relationship.
All else aside, a person who is over their ex is someone who is truly happy to be with you. And they want to make sure that you know it.
They’re willing to drive three hours over a $12.24 toll bridge just to grab lunch with you on a Saturday.
They’re willing to watch laughably bad Netflix movies with you because teen romcoms are your guilty pleasure.
They’re willing to listen to you get excited over a Dodger’s game when they literally confuse baseball players with local politicians. (Oops.)
They apologize when they make a mistake. They forgive you, even when it isn’t easy.
And they never let a day go by without reminding you that they love you.
You. You, and no one else.
No matter what their past looks like, this is how you’ll know their heart is truly yours.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
