5 Relationship Truths I Hear Almost No One Talking About

In my relationships and research about dating, I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve learned I have an anxious attachment style. I’ve learned I tend to “floodlight” other people — aka, spill my trauma early on — because I’m scared I’ll be “too much” for someone.

I’ve learned your worth doesn’t lie in your relationship status and to listen to your friends when they share red flags they’ve noticed in your partner.

But only recently did I learn the following relationship truths — and how different my life would’ve been if I had known them earlier.

I hope reading about them helps you.

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1. Upholding your boundaries won’t make your partner hate you

It’s OK (and good and important) to say no when you need to.

I used to think I needed to comply with all of my partner’s wishes. I thought if I said no to sex, a hangout, or an errand, they’d be Mad At Me, and it would be a Scary, Awful, Guilt-Ridden Thing.

And I’ll admit, I still feel afraid of saying the word “no” sometimes.

But sticking with your boundaries, listening to your needs, and not overextending yourself is crucial.

It prevents resentment. It teaches your partner how to treat you. It keeps you safe and well.

Your partner may not be super happy in the moment, but they won’t be Mad (or they shouldn’t be). And even if they are, it doesn’t mean you weren’t allowed to set that boundary — more on that in a bit.

How knowing this earlier would’ve helped me

I would’ve held less resentment. I would’ve not done sexual things I didn’t want to do. I would’ve realized my needs matter and that I’m not powerless.

And dang, how good that would’ve felt.

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2. Dating someone can be nice, but it’s also a whole other relationship to worry about

I used to crave a relationship desperately. Like, the “put-up-with-people-who-mistreat-me” level of crave.

I believed I couldn’t be fully happy unless I had a romantic relationship.

But when I dated people, I realized it brought more drama. Yes, dating has its positives — someone to cuddle, extra support, more love, et cetera — but it’s not all dinner dates by candlelight.

Maybe I just kept dating the wrong people. Either way, my point is this: Embrace the single life, too. Embrace the freedom and the time for other activities and people.

How knowing this earlier would’ve helped me

I would’ve hated being single a little less, embracing all the extra time and less stress I had. I would’ve understood that being in a relationship isn’t everything. (Seriously.)

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3. The honeymoon phase isn’t as perfect as people say

When I envisioned the “honeymoon phase,” a few things came to mind: wanting to spend all your time together, lots of physical affection, and laughing/smiling constantly.

That’s what I’d seen it portrayed as, and it’s not entirely wrong. In the honeymoon phase of some of my relationships, that happened. Multiple-days-long dates. Excitement. First kisses.

But as I learned from personal experience (and then from a friend), the honeymoon phase is also filled with thoughts like, “If they get hurt or upset, it’s the end of the world.”

All that love and excitement can come with anxiety and stress, too.

How knowing this earlier would’ve helped me

I say all this not to be negative, but because I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartbreak and loneliness had I understood I was not alone or weird. It’s OK to not love the honeymoon phase. I hope you know that!

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4. Someone responding poorly to your boundary doesn’t mean you were wrong to set it

As I discussed above, setting boundaries (and sticking to them) is hard for me.

People may not always be in love with the boundaries you set. They may not understand your reasoning or your struggles behind them — which might be why you’re setting them in the first place.

But them being upset/annoyed/confused at your boundary doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

Their response is on them, not you.

How knowing this earlier would’ve helped me

Hearing this message from my therapist helped me feel less guilty for saying no to things my loved ones wanted.

Previously, I had spent a lot of time feeling like a “bad” daughter/partner/etc for my boundaries. I felt like I had to explain them or take them back.

I can’t go back and change that, but I can move forward with this insight to improve my future. And so can you.

5. Sometimes love isn’t love — it’s love-bombing

In many of my past relationships and what I call “Tinder-ships,” I had one complaint: I felt unimportant. I felt unloved and uncared for.

So when I met someone who gave me all the love in the world, I was overjoyed. Finally, I was getting the love I’d always wanted (and frankly didn’t think I’d ever find)…right?

But then I learned about love-bombing, a manipulation tactic where someone gives excessive attention and affection to get what they want and make the other person feel dependent on them.

It was what I was experiencing. And it’s not very genuine, is it?

How knowing this earlier would’ve helped me

Realizing I was being manipulated would’ve saved me a lot of pain down the road when that relationship ended after a lot of time spent together.

It hurts to think about that, but it’s true.

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Final words

I realize a lot of this probably sounds negative and “woe is me.”

And I’ll say it: I am sad for my younger self. She was hurt and used multiple times. I’m not going to feel guilty about disliking that.

I know we all learn hard lessons in relationships. I’m thankful for what I’ve learned and can take with me. Ultimately, what I want is for my pain to help someone else.

So, set boundaries and don’t feel bad about them. Realize when someone is trying to manipulate you (keeping in mind it’s not always obvious). Remind yourself that you’re not alone in the pain you feel. Embrace the positives of the life and love you have right now, while also staying honest with and true to yourself.

I know we’ll both be happy one day (if we’re not already).

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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