The Biggest Mistake People Often Make While Having a First Date

Dating can be fun. But if you keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Then you need to change something.

You can’t be on dating apps for years without knowing whether the problem is the app or it’s just you.

Of course, it’s so easy to blame other people or things when your love life doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

But sometimes we also need to reflect and ask if there’s something we can change from our end.

Here’s the thing that most of my singles friends complain about when it comes to having a first date with someone they met online: it always feels like an interview.

We get it. We all have limited time to date around and it’d be nice if we can go straight to getting serious with the person we just met but truly like.

However, that’s what turns most people off. Some put it as, “don’t rush things out”. And it’s true for several good reasons.

Of course, this isn’t to say that you should put up with those people who breadcrumbing you or make you stuck in a situationship. This is to say that you shouldn’t take the first dates too seriously.

The first dates are for the getting-to-know each other phase at a basic level. This means you don’t get fully vulnerable and tell your date all of your dark secrets — at least not yet.

At the same time, you don’t want to ask them deep questions to the point where they aren’t comfortable enough in answering them. Trust me, I’ve been there where my first date felt like I was applying for a full-time job.

It felt so forced and the rest of the evening made me feel so mentally drained.

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Are you having a date or merely daterviewing someone?

Either you’ve been daterviewed or you’re the one who did that, that behavior is not a good start for a healthy relationship.

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In case you’re wondering, here are some signs you can take a look at. You are daterviewing someone if you:

Ask for detail about some sensitive topics such as money. Asking about how much they earn and the debt they have on a first date is just not cool.
Ask too much about your date’s past relationships; how many exes they have, how many they’ve slept with or worse, how good/bad the sex was with them.
You’re too focused on the future to see if their plans match yours. Yes, this includes the “what would you do in 5 years’ time? would you buy a house somewhere? how many kids do you want to have later?”
Lastly, you just jump from one question to another without giving your date a chance to ask you back.

Just a gentle reminder here that the date isn’t all about you.

So avoid talking about yourself so much or asking questions just for your checklist. People can actually feel whether you’re genuinely enough to get to know them or not.

Just like how Bustle puts it:

“Treat your date as you would want to be treated; pause before you fire off a question and consider how you would react if the tables were turned.”

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Here’s how you can have a meaningful yet fun date

Stop obsessing whether this person you’re going out with likes you or not.
Avoid being someone else so you can look “more” of this or that in their eyes — just be you.
There’s no need to rush and talk about the big stuff in the beginning — you can just enjoy the time you have together.
Don’t put too much expectation on how the first date will go. If possible, don’t have any expectations at all. Treat it as if you’re hanging out with an old friend.

Overall, don’t get too caught up with the idea that this first date should be perfect. It’s also important to remind yourself that this date isn’t about “what’s in it for me” because that is what most people do.

They treat it as if they need to get as much “information” as they can so they can go home and decide whether they want to stick around for the long run or not.

The truth is, to get to know someone and actually be with them long-term, there are many factors to it and a first date isn’t enough for you to make the call.

So take your time and don’t get ahead of yourself. Your main goal is to actually have a great time with them.

And you can’t have it unless you’re being present and not thinking too much about the end result.

As they like to put it, if it means for you, it’s going to be yours.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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