The New Dating Trend: Stonewalling

Has your partner ever given you the silent treatment? This time might feel very different.

I thought the assets of someone mattered in a relationship. Yet, none of that means anything for long if you cannot communicate with each other. You will have a good-looking, well-off man today and suffer through the union if you cannot talk to each other.

Ladies, please care how a man treats you. Your emotional health is essential. I, like you, got taught to care about the money and looks of a man. But when you are sure of yourself and your income, you will not settle for some behaviors. One such unfavorable treatment is stonewalling.

With time, unpleasant manipulative actions become worse. The silent treatment is not a cute behavior to practice in your relationship.

Let us discuss want stonewalling is and what it means for your relationship.

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The One Up

Some men have an underhanded way of getting even with their partners. Thank goodness for the need to create our TikTok content. Trolling their partner is how some people start a discussion:

I do not behave like that.

Yes, you do. Or, at least, that is how your behavior appears to me.

I dislike your interpretation of my actions. And I realize you dislike it. How did my actions make you feel?

Okay. You got me. No, a regular couple does not speak like the above unless the duo has been to therapy. You might have learned something about me. Anyway.

If you give the silent treatment, your partner might feel the need to one-up you. Hence, the stonewalling.

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Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

What is stonewalling?

Matt Lundquist is a psychotherapist and founder, and clinical director at Tribeca Therapy. He defined the term for the Bustle team.

Stonewalling is a full-on refusal to engage in a tough conversation, a dispute, or in response to someone expressing hurt or a need. — Matt Lundquist

Dr. Racine Henry is a licensed marriage and family therapist of Sankofa Therapy NYC. She agrees with Lundquist.

Purposefully blank and quiet response to a person’s expressed emotion. — Dr. Racine Henry

Here is a scenario. As a couple, you and your partner decide to go to a restaurant. While getting ready, you got into an argument to end the quarrel you gave your man the silent treatment. You stopped talking and did not hold his hand. Or let him touch your thigh.

Stonewalling behavior kicks up the silent treatment a lot. Later, you are at the restaurant. You have had some food. Now, you are happy and ready to talk about the fight with your partner. You talk about your feelings, and he gives one-word replies. He stays silent and then hops out of the vehicle and heads inside to play his video games.

The therapist says disengaging when a conversation is going nowhere is healthy. But it is manipulative if you want to express your feelings. But the other person emotionally checks out.

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How to deal with stonewalling?

Talk. Wait until the mood of your man improves. Then, bring up the behavior from the other day. I guess that is why men say women are mood killers. I see now how this comes across.

Explain how the stonewalling behavior affected you and outline what you need from your partner. To make it fairer, ask your partner if there are habits you do when arguing. A good follow-up question is “what actions would be better instead?”.

If you are the stonewaller, ask yourself if the action was out of fear, annoyance, or punishment. It is best to know your motivators. It helps you work on this manipulative habit.

Other possible attempts at resolution:

Tit-for-tat action never works well. But if the person cannot see themselves, you can give their behavior back to them. Try to be silly to improve the chances of such an approach working.
You might also want to stop the person from leaving to continue expressing your feelings. Or, instead, ask why they respond that way when you get emotional. Based on the answer, start a new discussion.

Thank you for reading this post.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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