Daddy Daughter Conversations (Three Tips for Making Them Less Awkward)

The conference room in my office faces the waterfall in my complex. It is very lush and there are always birds and other wildlife around. Many of the local photographers (including me) like using this backdrop for everything from prom photos to family portraits.

I was having a meeting with one of my mentees and a photographer walked by with two young models. The young ladies were dressed in gowns that would either be worn to a prom or girls’ night out. Both were very attractive and had great figures, but when one looked at me and smiled, I realized she was very young.

I asked my mentee if she thought she was in middle school or high school to which she replied, “no more than 13 or 14”.

To be honest I was shocked that a child that young was allowed to not only wear makeup but have on a dress that made her look much older. The only reason I realized how young she was when she smiled is I have a daughter and can vividly remember that awkward teenage smile. You know the space between her playing with dolls and being comfortable with all the changes her body is going through.

My wife and I had already had the conversation about sex when she was ten, my conversations were more geared towards the interactions between men and women, from a male perspective, which began when she was 13.

Instead of trying to instill fear in her regarding how every man wanted to have sex with her, I decided to talk to her about who men are from the most basic of perspectives. The goal was to give her insight into how simple men are when it comes to their actions and motivations and how visual cues play a large role in how we react when we see a desirable woman.

This was the foundation I used in explaining how men were not designed to be as complex as women and we are far more driven by our desires than logic. With that in mind, I wanted to share three key considerations when you are having daddy daughter discussions.

Tip #1 — Be Honest

If you are going to establish a line of communication that will allow you to discuss real world scenarios, she must be able to trust you and the best way to start that trust is by being honest. There may be times that your conversation leads to questions she has about things she has heard or seen and would like clarity.

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First, think before you speak. Remember the purpose of these conversations is to prepare her for the inevitable “play” some guy will make, so she does not need you shooting from the hip. You must not only think of her as a teen or preteen, but as a mind that is very susceptible to everything you say.

If you don’t have an answer to a question, tell her you will get back to her and go find the proper response. Don’t be afraid of sharing stories from your single life that are relevant, just keep it PG-13. Give her the comfort of knowing that you will not steer her wrong and she will trust you with her deeper thoughts and concerns.

Tip #2 — Don’t Be Judgmental

There will undoubtedly be things your daughter has in her mind that come from popular culture, friends, or just from their own point of view. You must be willing to hear her out fully and instead of judging what she says as right or wrong, find out the thought process behind the opinion.

Being curious instead of judgmental allows your daughter the freedom to express what she truly thinks without fear or retribution, but it also gives you insight into who and what is influencing her.

I’m not saying that you don’t correct misconceptions or things that may be harmful to her, just to consider how you approach the subject. Ask her opinion on the method you would prefer she use and the differences between your two opinions.

For example, if your daughter believes it is okay to wear makeup at 13 and you do not. Instead of arguing about her being too young and what men may think of her if she wears it, ask why she feels wearing makeup is necessary. You may find she has reasons that are rooted in an experience she had or maybe it’s her way of fitting in. In either case, you now have a point to work from and have meaningful discussions on both sides of the issue.

Tip #3 — Be Present

We all lead busy lives, but when you are having conversations with your daughter, there is nothing more important. Both of you need to turn your cell phones to mute and do not pick them up until the conversation is over.

Close your mind off to the thoughts that are running in the background like upcoming meetings, errands, or anything else that doesn’t allow you to focus on her and what she has to say.

Being present will allow you to pick up on nuances like body language and tone of voice. You will notice other subtle cues like her twirling her hair when she isn’t telling you the truth or blushing whenever you mention a certain boy.

Being present also allows you to build history with your conversations. You can reference comments made in previous conversations and follow up on things she mentioned without her bringing up the subject. That goes a long way in her feeling like you really care and coupled with the other tips will lead to a much more meaningful relationship.

My daughter is now in her mid-30’s and we have a great relationship. I believe she feels she can talk to me about most things although she won’t bring any of her suiters to meet me. Something about me giving them the evil eye and causing them to fear for their lives. Go figure!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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