The Kissing Culture of Uruguay

In Uruguay, a kiss on the right cheek is expected when meeting people. Men, women, and children are all equally included. There’s a nice moment of connection, and it’s rarely awkward. Often, touch lingers for a minute and eye contact is extended. In a tight-knit group, an embrace and cheek kiss provides reassurance that things are good, and if something is off you’re apt to sense it.

I lived in Uruguay for nearly three years. I found the customary greetings to be charming, heartfelt, and endearing. I remember a small neighborhood pub where I played pool with a friend. It was run by a Uruguayan couple. The wife would always light up when she saw me. She’d lean over the counter and give me a cheek kiss before getting my beverage. I can tell you, that never happened once in the States.

There was a large expat community in the Piriápolis area that included people from Great Britain, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, Germany, and the United States. One thing I found fascinating was all of us embraced the kissing tradition immediately and without question. It seemed to feed something in our souls.

Part and parcel with the effusive greetings was socializing and visiting. A shopping trip to the feria (an outdoor market held each Saturday) would take half a day due to conversations with people. Everybody seemed to have a pent-up need for happy, carefree socializing. Hardly anybody worked, except for constant projects around the house, so time constraints were much more relaxed. My first few months there my face often ached from smiling and I would be exhausted after a day of nonstop socializing and chatter.

After living in Uruguay for a while, I realized how essential the customary cheek kiss and hug is in a healthy society. I suspect that physical touch as a way of greeting probably dates back to tribal living. It is literally part of the bond that holds people together. In a social order, if somebody does not receive a customary kiss it can signal a form of shunning. To betray people who embrace you every time you see them is egregious and personal.

The social stiffness in the United States probably stems the lingering influence of Puritanism, which gained a foothold in the mid-1600s. Mark Greene, in his excellent article The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer, points out how few socially acceptable outlets men in the U.S. have for safe, nonsexual touching. There are many situations, such as work environments, where it simply isn’t safe to get too touchy feely.

We’ve all experienced innocent gestures or actions that resulted in something uncomfortable happening. I lived in an apartment complex for a while. There was a violent, abusive man downstairs from me who lived with a woman and a small boy. I came home one evening found the boy huddled in the stairwell outside the door of his apartment. He had been locked out as punishment. I tried to console the boy, mindful of boundaries and the fact he was probably scared of men. I offered him a drink of water, reassured him, and determined he was pretty much ok and wasn’t physically harmed. When I called the managers to inform them of the situation the next day, I was told the abuser had also called and reported me as a pedophile. I wasn’t, and the domestic abuse was brought to light, but I was made aware that allegations are social weapons.

Learning to relax around people and feel close to them, without fear of backlash, is important to our growth. The best way to do this is to go to a culture where the social fabric is completely different and nobody thinks twice about it.

A visit to Uruguay is enlightening and easy. The seasons are flip-flopped so it’s the middle of summer in December. Why not fly to Punta del Este and watch fireworks on the beach on Christmas eve? Or take a couple weeks at the end of January, after high season dies down, and travel the coastline. It’s wonderful to take long walks on nearly-deserted beaches, buy freshly-caught fish down on the docks, and maybe go to an expat gathering. A trip to José Ignacio just up the coast is delightful.

A vacation to a different country — or perhaps taking the leap and moving abroad — provides new perspectives on life in a way nothing else can. Learning new ways of relating to people takes practice, and what better way than immersion in a different culture. Of course a geographical change will not cure all of our problems. Healing trauma, finding lasting friendships, and becoming comfortable in our own skins is a complex and lengthy process. That said, there’s lots to be learned from people who experience platonic closeness and healthy, affirming touching as a daily occurence.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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