Happy Couples Know How to Fight

I grew up in a home where “conversations” were frequent. My father, G-d bless his soul, knew how to open you up like a jar of jam. He went from zero to sixty in just a few minutes, and before you knew it, you would find yourself baring it all. How you were doing, what was going in school, and most importantly, the status of your relationships, was all fair game.

He was so good at conversations, that my high school friends would often come over, close the french-doors to our den, and chat with my father for hours. It didn’t take long before sage wisdom and insight would come pouring forth, and the feeling of being in the presence of greatness would overtake you. If I told you that my father was always right, I would be underplaying his prowess at interpersonal relationship dynamics.

Access to his gift followed me through high school, into college and later in life during my marriage. When my wife felt my behavior was beyond the pale, she would secretly call my Dad. He would come over, unannounced, and just start innocently chatting. Familiar with the setup, I would internally scan all the things I could have done that caused his visit, and would find myself fessing-up pretty quickly. But our talks were more than just an acquiescence of guilt. Speaking about my challenges gave me the opportunity to understand myself better, and my wife better. Talking solved problems, by bringing them out into the open to be identified and examined and ultimately, healed.

The words “Honey, we have to talk,” is never spoken.

My father has since passed on. And while I have his gift of gab, my own home looks nothing like the home I grew up in. In my most important relationship — my marriage — my wife and I never talk about the most important thing in our own lives — us. The words “Honey, we have to talk” are never spoken in our home. Don’t get me wrong — we have a great relationship, and talk and share a lot. I feel free to talk about any issues I may be having, and listen lovingly to everything she needs to vent about. Did I mention we do this a lot? We do.

But we never talk about “us”.

It’s an interesting (albeit unfamiliar) way for me to be in relationship. When we disagree (ok, fight), and we do, we just pull back and give each other space. We lick our wounds, assume good will, and move on. Sometimes we need to set new boundaries to avoid further conflict, and we do so independently of each other. Our relationship ebbs and flows like every other, but the difference is that we just don’t talk about it.

John Gottman alludes to this in his research on the most common fighting styles of happy couples. Common sense dictates that couples who have the highest levels of communication would report higher marital satisfaction. After all, it only makes perfect sense that if you can openly, lovingly discuss your problems, it would increase connection, trust, intimacy and happiness. And as a marriage therapist myself, increasing communication skills is one of my most prioritized goals with the couples I work with.

However, Dr. Gottman reveals that common sense doesn’t always correlate with reality. What he found was that, among happy couples, the three most common fighting styles included those who talked through issues, but also those who verbally fought intensely (and passionately made up afterwards) as well as those who never, ever talked about their problems. My wife and I fall into the third category.

It wasn’t always this way. We used to be somewhere between good communicators and intense fighters. But that didn’t work for us. The relationship became this third-wheel in our lives that needed so much attention. And talking about it was heavy, painful, and usually unproductive. So we stopped.

In my work, I have identified other pitfalls of over-communicating. Many people, especially those who consider themselves good communicators, are unaware of the risks associated with expressing themselves to their partners. In relationship “talks”, it is common that one partner is just not good at effectively communicating their needs. Either they cannot hold back from being critical, or easily get defensive. On the listening side, some people just have no patience, or become emotionally flooded when “talks” don’t go their way. And some are silent when support is needed. This results in fights over the fight itself — where they are now upset at each other not because of the initial issue, but because of how they each handled the issue. The wound and pain just compounds, and the hole gets bigger and deeper the more they talk about it.

Choosing not to talk about it — the relationship or issues within it — bypasses this downward spiral. Just as you don’t always say something when your spouse leaves out a dirty dish, you can set that bar higher and higher, until you find yourself never criticizing each other at all. Rather than dumping your emotional garbage on your partner, you learn to deal with it internally and creatively. This frees you up to focus on gratitude, self-reflection, self-soothing, and resilience, making you a stronger partner in the long run. Angry and upset? Go to the gym. Need to clarify your feelings? Start a blog. Wanna vent? Call a friend or get professional help. Just don’t emotionally bulldoze or dump on your partner.

I can’t say that I’m much happier than I was before. I can say that it’s different. I know that after thirty years, I deeply love my wife, and she loves me, too; in today’s world, we must be doing something right. Yes, at times it’s challenging not being able to express myself. But as a somebody who deals with couples professionally, I’m also aware that for many, the relationship gets over-analyzed to death, literally. Thinking about, talking about, and always focusing on problems in your marriage can lead to despair. Constantly monitoring the status of your relationship can cause depression, and ultimately divorce.

My verdict is not out yet. But at this point, it works for us. Getting to know your own fighting style or even switching it up if yours is not working can help your relationship move on from one of conflict to love and trust. Ultimately, resolving conflict and perfecting your relationship may not be the highest goal. Sometimes, just staying together and just enjoying each other is more important.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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