4 Things to Keep in Mind When Dating in Your 20s

I have to admit — I love learning about relationships. Few things excite me more than trying to understand how humans interact with one another.

It can be a challenge to navigate the topic of dating. Unspoken rules, unrealistic expectations, pride, prejudices, and everything in between.

The modern dating world is unlike anything we’ve experienced in the past. Finding a romantic partner is not the only priority in our lives, but one out of many.

As an unofficial observer and analyzer of relationships, I’ve come up with a few observations about dating and relationships in our 20s.

I. We are a product of the world we live in

Before we get into the discussion about dating and relationships, let’s first talk about society.

As we’ve all noticed at some point in our lives, society plays a significant role in how we think, act, and interact with each other.

One of the unfortunate realities of not living under a rock is that we have to care about what “society thinks.” (Luckily, we have gotten a lot better about that recently.)

I’m just going to take a leap of faith here and assume that you, like me, live in an individualistic society, which means that

We care about the desires of the individual over the desires of the group, and that
We as individuals decide whom we shall date, marry, etc.

Although we tend to have an individualistic approach to dating, we are still influenced by a myriad of factors that are outside of our control.

Some of us will feel pressured to get married and have kids, while others will not have that type of pressure. Some of us will feel pressured to stay single.

On the one hand, you’re following your own voice: what do I want? what do I need? On the other, your friends, family, and even the greater society at large will try to squeeze their opinions in.

Okay, so what’s my point in all this?

As much as I want to believe that our dating decisions are 100% within our control, that is not always the case for everyone.

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Sometimes, family has a huge say in our relationships due to culture or tradition.

So put your relationship in your own context and make conscious choices based on what you judge to be right.

At the end of day, you must take ownership over your own decisions, outside influences or not. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you have no regrets.

You are responsible for your own happiness.

II. You don’t always want what you think you want

Let’s face it, we’re all a little mad at Disney for giving us unrealistic expectations of what love should look like.

Some lucky few can look up to real relationships in their lives as precedence, but unfortunately, that doesn’t happen to everyone.

I didn’t personally grow up with amazing examples of healthy relationships, but it did help me identify what not to look for in a relationship.

Since I didn’t have real life examples of relationships to look up to, some of my greatest love teachers were movies, books, and TV shows.

And yes, I agree it is not ideal for many reasons.

But here is the thing: most of us fully understand that these are just stories. They’re not real, they’re unrealistic, and they portray a romanticized version of what love is.

Instead, it’s the minor details that we pick up from romantic stories that really affect the way we approach real life relationships. We gravitate toward certain romantic traits, but most of the times we don’t even know why.

Why do you want a partner that satisfies these criteria? Or are those just a deeper reflection of your desires and needs? For example, do you really want a partner who is always showering you with compliments and gifts? Or is it just a manifestation of your insecurity about being loved?

By our 20s, we don’t always know what we want, why we want what we want, and that’s OK.

Photo by Masha S on Unsplash

III. Flexibility

Our 20s is a time of change.

Many of us graduate college, attend grad school or get a job, switch jobs, switch careers, move to different cities or countries.

In our 20s, it’s hard to stay still.

For many, it’s extremely hard to date and maintain relationships at this time in our lives. Not only are we still figuring ourselves out, but we’re also moving around from place to place, job to job.

So the question then becomes: should you even be looking for a relationship? This is a completely valid concern: what if you’re just beginning to date someone, but then suddenly you have to move to another state?

For some, long distance is no problem. But for others, it can reach a breaking point.

Whatever the situation is, it’s important to communicate expectations and concerns with your partner.

Flexibility becomes key if uncertainty is in your future.

Whatever the case may be, don’t do anything that you aren’t comfortable with. You should never be forced to do something with just to keep a relationship going, especially if you are the only one making sacrifices.

IV. When you find the one

So my entire last point was about not bending over backwards to be with someone.

But here is where I flip that whole argument around — and it gets confusing.

Ultimately, when you find “the one,” the choices that you make in life might start to revolve around that person.

Naturally, this is a huge decision to make, and it’s not a decision that you should make lightly.

Sometimes, you might never know what you would do for someone until that time comes. What will you sacrifice to be with that person? How far will you go?

It’s never completely clear what the correct decision is. If there were an obvious answer, dating wouldn’t be so darn hard!

In a way, we are conditioned by our modern society to think that we’re responsible for our own happiness. We don’t like to see our individuality stripped down, especially for someone else.

But I think this is where some of our modern thinking gets in the way of what is practical.

Being in a monogamous relationship between two people involves some detachment of individualism — not all (you should never forgo all of your individualism for anyone or anything).

Whenever you are ready to be in a serious relationship, that is something that you have to keep in mind.

Not everyone in their 20s, and not everyone and any stages of their lives, want to give up some of that individualism, and that is OK. That is why some of us choose to stay single until we’re ready, and for some of us that might be never.

For those of us who don’t want to be alone forever, we love the idea of loving someone else and being loved, to share our life with someone who fully understands and supports us, and vice versa

So when that time comes, and you find someone you can grow with together, then you’ve got yourself a keeper.