Change Is Going to Change You

A few months back, I reconnected with an old friend from childhood through the magic of Facebook. The person sent me a friend request and then messaged me their number. I called her, and we chatted like old times. It was fun to catch up and talk about our lives since we hadn’t seen each other in almost thirty years.

We reminisced, laughed, and cried. We exchanged memories from the past. For a couple of days, we had some great dialogue, but then a few of them turned dark.

My friend seemed like she was in a bad place. She mentioned things that happened in the past and seemed stuck. She was still angry at friends from decades ago. She had a lot of resentment even towards me.

In the beginning, when we were catching up, she would say to me, you are still so funny and make me laugh; you are exactly the same as when we were kids. When she said that, it made me feel uncomfortable.
Can anyone still be the same years later?

While our conversations became more disturbing, I realized that maybe I was getting involved in something that, at this point of my life I didn’t need. She was an emotional vampire and wanted to suck more time and energy than I could give. I was going through my own transition.

Being an empath, when I see another hurt or alone, I feel like I need to save them. I’ve done that my whole life. So I felt like I couldn’t cut it off at that point. I didn’t want her to be in more pain. I wanted to help somehow.

Even though I was honest, vulnerable and did not paint my life as picture-perfect, I could tell she became jealous and began to attack my life choices.

Why did I move and leave everyone behind? Why wasn’t I better at keeping in touch? Why did I marry who I did? Why did I have a child so late in life? When will I move back home?

When she asked when I was coming “home” it made me pause. Indeed, New Jersey will always be my home, but I hadn’t lived there for almost twenty years. Although I am not opposed to moving back there, it has been interesting living in numerous places. I’ve met wonderful people and had fantastic experiences. It was almost like she was shaming me for the things that I accomplished in life. Should I feel bad for my blessings and that life has taken me in many different directions?

She mentioned that it would be fun to “hang out” and talked about going to bars and clubs as we did back in the nineties. I said I have a young boy, and I haven’t hung out in a bar for decades. That set her off. She got angry and said I’ve changed.

The fact was I did change. Doesn’t everyone? I was different than I was thirty or forty years ago. How could I not be? I have grown up. I have experienced a lot of change in my life, both good and bad. I navigated my life basically alone without a strong support system. I’ve made mistakes and lived a life less traveled, but it’s my life!

I now have a child that I put first, and if people don’t like it, then I can’t help that. She had no children and was divorced, so she didn’t understand.

I tried to tell her that we all pick our own path. We sometimes set off in various trajectories than those we started our journey with, it doesn’t mean that we didn’t love them or value their friendship. I would never put someone down because they chose an alternative path.

I accepted the fact that she thought now that I was different. I was, because change will change you and make you grow and evolve. I am not saying that she is not evolved. What I am saying is that sometimes when you stay in the same place, keep your circle small and don’t venture out of your comfort zone, you don’t see or feel the shifts in life. She seemed different to me as well, more pessimistic and judgemental. But I would never say that.

When life doesn’t go as we thought it would, one can become jaded. I don’t think anyone’s life goes as planned. We all encounter problems and disappointments along the way. We can either drown in our misfortunes and regrets, or we can pick ourselves up, let it all go, and start over.

When change shakes up your world every few years, and uproots your life, you feel the imbalance. You realize what you are made of when you are put in uncomfortable situations. You encounter the good and the bad. Life is fluid and always morphing and all we can do is go with it.

Yes, I have changed. I am not embarrassed by it. I will not apologize for my choices, failures, or successes. Deep down I am still the same caring and compassionate person but with so many more layers than before. I have experienced tragedies but also triumphs. My journey has taken me on many routes, and because of it, I have learned and grown.

I had to cut things off eventually. It was sad, but certain chapters in life need to remain closed. Sometimes we find out that we can’t save someone because they have to be willing to save themselves. Their life will only transform when they are ready.

I have let many people back into my life, but I won’t be ashamed that I don’t want to go backwards. I’m proud of the person I’ve become and I refuse to dim my light for anyone anymore. If I have let someone down because they are harboring resentment from the past, then that’s unfortunate. I only have one life to live as I please. What I do with it is no one’s business but my own.

We can love people and wish them well, but when they try and pull us under when they are drowning, we don’t have to let them. We aren’t responsible for anyone else’s story except our own.

“People will love to despise the person you were, and/or the person you have become. We can allow that negativity to eat us alive, or pray for their happiness. Keep your heart open, and all will be healed.”
~ Michelle Cruz-Rosado,

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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