Working as a teacher for 2 years allowed me to improve my social skills.
But not only in the ways I had expected.
For example, I was fascinated by charisma. And I succeeded at being charismatic.
But I noticed something as important as charisma. But it doesn’t get enough attention.
I can call it social intelligence. And in this article, I want to describe what it is, how important it is, and how to develop it.
Why should you care about social intelligence?
Some people have great things that they want to say, but they do not know how to say them.
They are not able to communicate their ideas and intentions properly. As a result, they do not get the best out of their social interactions.
And some people, on the other hand, know how to deliver their messages.
Even if they do not have great things to say, their style makes it more likely that people will listen to them.
It is important to know what to say. It is equally important to learn how to say it.
If you do not know how to say what you want to deliver, you will never be able to communicate it. Your ideas, feelings, intentions, and beliefs will remain untold.
Charisma can play a huge role here.
Charismatic people are often capable of making other people listen. They can charm others and captivate them. We listen to charismatic people because their style is attractive. At least for a while.
However, charisma is only one part of the puzzle. It can get you to the doorstep. But what will keep you inside and determine your success is something else entirely.
Social intelligence will determine your social success and if people will trust you or not.
It is about your ability to navigate social situations like a pro. Or better, like a wise person who is mature and experienced.
In other words, social intelligence is about:
Knowing what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and whether to say it or not.
Those four elements can give you a huge social advantage and make your interaction with the people around you better and more meaningful — for you and them.
That is, you will make your life and their life easier if you know these four elements.
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For instance, you cannot tell a joke at a funeral. You cannot ask someone you have just met to tell you a deep secret.
Those are clear examples. But social situations can get as complex as humans are.
Social intelligence is a great addition to your social skills arsenal.
With a social skill arsenal that contains such tools, you will be able to build a social status that attracts people and keeps toxic people and bullies under control.
Social intelligence will also help you get the most out of your relationships.
It makes people feel understood and respected. And it creates better connections between people.
So, the benefits are not just charisma and social status. The benefits can be better relationships and connections.
That said, we are going to cover the four elements mentioned above.
By doing that, we will have a blueprint for social intelligence. From there, it is all about practice.
What to say
People here get hung up on the right things to say in social situations.
But it is actually more about what you want to communicate and what you want to deliver. Your intentions.
And that depends on the social context.
It does not depend on your mood (though it can influence it!), and it does not depend on your random thoughts.
For instance, when you go to a funeral, your intentions and what you want to communicate are your condolences. You want to emotionally support the people you care about.
Or better, you feel their pain and genuinely want to help them because you care about them.
The atmosphere at the funeral is filled with sadness and sorrow.
Some people are afraid, and others are hurting.
And you are here either because who has died is important to you or to someone you care about.
Given the circumstances and the general feelings of sadness in that place, you want to select what you will say to communicate your intentions.
Do not focus on the exact words, at least initially, and focus on the message you want to communicate.
A joke is not going to do it. And if you crack one, that will be weird and disrespectful.
How to say it
Even if you have the best intentions in the world, it does not matter if you cannot communicate them well.
It does not matter if you are aware of the social context if you cannot navigate it properly.
Confidence and charisma can play a role here. People will not listen to you if you lack confidence in what you are saying. Or if you do not present yourself the right way.
But again, it is not just about confidence, charisma, and all the fireworks associated.
Now that you know the social context you are in, you are aware of the atmosphere in the room (something that you should always get a sense of), and you have an idea about the people you talk about, you need to make sure that what you say hits home and clearly communicates your intentions (which should be good and authentic, to begin with).
This takes some social experience, to be honest. And some people are generally better at this. Some people are better at this by nature. Others have been around socially experienced people long enough to learn how to navigate social situations properly.
I cannot teach you how to say things (whatever they are) properly because every social context is different.
How people feel at the current moment, what they believe, and what they value are different variables that can affect how you tell someone something.
Again, it affects it because you want to communicate something specific.
It is about practice.
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First, you should be aware of your intentions and what you want to deliver to the other person. This is important, and it is a must.
Second, you need to gauge whether what you are saying is communicating your true intentions or not.
You watch for body language and reactions (immediate and later ones). If it does not communicate your intentions, you adjust according to factors such as how this person thinks and how they might be feeling.
This is called empathy.
(Note: sometimes, you deliver your point. The other person understands it. But they disagree with the point itself. In this case, it is socially intelligent to realize this and acknowledge that you disagree instead of trying to adjust how you say things. Stop repeating the same thing in different words. Move on!)
When to say it
The time you pick to talk to someone is utterly important.
Pick the wrong time and say goodbye to your good intentions and fabulous ways of articulating your speech.
If you have something important to someone and it requires some explanation, an emotional response, or intellectual processing, and this person at the current moment is tired or busy, it is better to speak later.
You can ask the person directly whether they are free or whether they can concentrate well right now.
Some people will be polite and try to not embarrass you and say they are not busy and not tired even when they are.
And they will try to pretend as they claim.
That is why you need to listen to more than words. Use your common sense to decide whether this person is capable of listening and responding to you the way you want to or not.
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As a teacher, I get to experience this a lot.
Some students will catch me around and have something to ask or just want to chat sometimes.
That is good. I like it a lot and enjoy it. But sometimes, I am busy and have enough on my plate. Other times I am so tired.
And during those times, I do not respond very well.
Some students ask whether I am free or not. I sometimes politely say yes and get myself into a conversation where I cannot respond well.
And some students assume I can listen and respond well all the time and under all conditions, which I cannot.
Some of them even ignore (or cannot read) the body language signs I give as an indication that I got to go.
It is not because they are bad or uninteresting people. In fact, many of them have great questions and a great desire to learn.
Many of them have interesting personalities and stories that I am eager to hear.
They just picked the wrong time!
So, ask people whether it is a good time or not if you have something important to say.
Again, especially if this something is emotionally or intellectually provoking.
But do not stop right there.
You need to develop the ability to tell whether someone is tired or busy by paying attention to their body language.
During the conversation, you should pay attention to how this person reacts.
If they are not responding very well, you can simply say that it is probably not a good time and that you can talk later.
You do not even need to mention that it is not a good time. Just say it is probably better to talk later.
Pay attention as you are speaking to people. They are not walls. See if they are responding well or not. Then act accordingly.
Whether to say it or not
This goes along with the previous point about the right time.
If the time is not right, it is better to not say it.
However, time is just one factor. You can usually pick another time to say what you want to say.
But sometimes, it is wise not to say what you want to say.
There are obvious examples such as the previous one of cracking a joke at a funeral.
But there are more subtle things you should not say.
Here is a general rule.
You decide if what you want to say should not be said based on the social context and your intentions (what you want to communicate).
It takes experience and, sure, some wisdom.
But generally, after being aware of your intentions (what you want to communicate) and the social context you are in, you need to consider if what you will say will communicate your good intentions and create a healthier bond.
Or not.
Action plan
Focus only on one of the 4 factors described above.
Some people need to work on how to say things. Others need to work on the timing. And some need to work on what to say and articulate their intentions.
Everyone is different.
For the next 2 weeks, work on it.
Just focus on it and forget about the rest. Forget about any other social skill tactic you are trying to improve.
Work on improving this area of communication. Then, move to the next one.
It is hard to implement all of this at once. That is why it is wise to pick your weakest point and work on it for the next 2 weeks.
The momentum you will gain will help you further.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Antenna on Unsplash
