4 Things I Would Do Differently When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

When I finally managed to get away and stay away from the abusive relationship I had lived with for 9 years, I did not realise that the journey to emotional freedom would be so challenging.

Many of us mistakenly believe that everything will be okay once we physically leave the relationship. Our friends and family think that the ordeal is over the moment we get away. That’s because we can’t see the emotional damage that has been caused — the invisible chains of domestic abuse.

I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years, but domestic abuse took many more years after I left.

I have regrets, but I try to treat myself with compassion and have stopped beating myself up over them. I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew at the time.

My hindsight is a collection of lessons that can now be shared to help others become more knowledgeable about the invisible damage domestic abuse causes. My lessons can help others heal more quickly.

Here’s how I could have saved myself a few years of healing.

Take time to rediscover yourself

This means making time to sit and be quiet so you can start listening to yourself again.

During the years of abuse, I forgot who I was. It was much easier to be the person he wanted me to be. It was so much safer not to have an opinion.

When you leave, it feels more comfortable to be busy. Not having time to think gets you through those first days and months when you risk returning or completely breaking down. This focus on doing rather than being is your way of coping with the turmoil that is going on within your head.

However, this should only be a short-term coping mechanism. It should not become a way of life. If it does, you risk burning yourself out, forcing you to stop. The emotions that you keep ignoring will find their way out somehow.

Rather than waiting until you have no choice but to stop and face those demons, it is much more helpful to choose to stop, however scary that feels, and spend time listening to yourself.

Trauma-informed therapy, coaching or counselling may help here, but some of us do not have access to such things, and some leave abusive relationships and choose to work through it ourselves (or not work through it).

If I had been more aware of the reason why I would keep going every day until I dropped and how those feelings of self-hatred, unworthiness and low self-esteem would keep bubbling up for years to come, I would have taken the time to face my fear, and sit down with myself regularly.

I would have used my breath to calm myself down and balance my nervous system (a technique I learned in my training as an mBIT coach). In through your nose, for a count of 6 and out through your mouth, for a count of 6.

I would have sat quietly and re-acquainted myself with the person I was beneath the emotional scars. I would have reminded myself of my strengths, likes and dislikes. I would have thought about what I wanted to do with my life, and I would have spent time comforting myself and talking to myself with the self-compassion I now use.

This would have helped me take control of my life sooner rather than letting things happen around me. With this increased control, my self-confidence would have started to rebuild.

It would have helped me appreciate rather than criticise myself, which would have helped improve my low self-esteem.

Stay single

I mean, completely single. No dating, no texting, no swiping and no sex.

I met someone who was to become the father of my second child whilst living in a women’s refuge.

During the years of abuse, many of us build co-dependent tendencies. We need to be needed. The amount of love and affection we received was directly related to how much we did for that person and how much we neglected ourselves.

We, therefore, associate love with doing things for another person, to the detriment of our own needs and wants. If we don’t have that person to put before ourselves, that tells us what to do, how will we receive the love we crave?

The relationship with this person I met whilst living in the refuge did not last, nor did the many short-term flings I got involved in because I was desperate to feel loved. Whenever I met someone, I would try to mould myself into the person they wanted me to be.

I didn’t understand at the time that the love I was yearning for could only be found within myself. If I had, I would have worked on my relationship with myself before even attempting to get involved in another romantic relationship.

I would have looked after myself better, taken time to rediscover myself and worked on turning my self-hatred into self-love through a transformation of awareness, acceptance, appreciation and gratitude. I would have found the love I needed within my actions of self-care and self-respect.

This would have opened me up to love and be loved, with no strings attached, sooner.

I met my husband once I was truly happy with myself. He reflected the love, respect and appreciation I now show myself.

You can’t fix yourself by fixing others

Not that we need “fixing”. We are not broken.

Whilst living at the refuge and during the years that followed, I became someone who was always there to help. Over the years, I have spoken openly about the abuse I suffered, joined the Women’s Aid survivors forum, built a website that contains resources for survivors, coached other survivors and even started setting up a social enterprise to help survivors move on with their lives.

All to help others free themselves from domestic abuse more quickly than I did. It sounds very noble and generous. However, I realised that this “helping others” was coming from a place of trying to fix myself by fixing others.

By throwing ourselves into other people’s challenges, we can indulge our need to be needed and push our challenges to the bottom of the list — something we have done for a long time and are comfortable with.

The truth is, no matter how much we help others, how much we do, and how generous we are, we will never be enough until we can feel enough when we are alone.

If I had known this, I would have worked on myself before trying to work with others. All I did was put a plaster over my scars whilst trying to help others heal theirs. By doing this, I was not in a good place to be of service to others.

I would have focussed on making the most of my freedom so that I could be an example of thriving after domestic abuse much sooner.

I would have realised that I needed time away from the dark clouds of abuse before I could become a light of inspiration and motivation.

You are not being selfish when you take yourself away from the pain, darkness and sadness of domestic abuse. You need to do this to find your path and version of freedom.

This is how we help each other — by making the most of the fact that we managed to get out and live a life of love, laughter and happiness. We can then share our stories which will give others hope and encouragement to do the same.

Build your future

Your career, your home and your dreams.

I have been self-employed for a few years now, and I have realised that the life-changing event of leaving a controlling, abusive relationship provides an excellent opportunity to re-evaluate where you are heading.

This is not applicable during the first few months, even the first year of being free. It is better to work on short-term goals during this initial stage because of the change and uncertainty we are dealing with. Many of us have our lives uprooted because of leaving the relationship, so it takes time for the chaos to settle.

However, once you feel settled and have gotten used to making your own decisions and listening to your wants and needs, you are in a great position to start making long-term plans and acting on them.

I would have used the time I had whilst the boys were at school to work on a business idea or learn something new and start taking control of my future rather than make do and go along with whatever came up.

This needs confidence and belief, which are in short supply when healing from abuse. So, I would have had to work on the limiting beliefs of not being capable of achieving my dreams and not being worthy of happiness and success.

I have struggled with low self-esteem and self-sabotage since going self-employed. I know that it is common to suffer from self-doubt when starting something new, and I also know that when you add unhealed wounds of domestic abuse to the mix, it can stop you dead in your tracks.

I would therefore have found a group of people with whom I felt comfortable and could talk about my challenges, rather than networking with people that I still believed were above me and that I had to pretend to be someone else around so that I could fit in.

By taking control of my life sooner, I would have rebuilt my confidence quicker and realised my true worth earlier.

As I mentioned earlier, this is not a list of “should haves”. It is a list of lessons I can now look back on from a place of physical and emotional freedom and share with others.

We all have our own journeys and can choose to look back at our past, both within and outside of the relationship, with pain and regret, or to see it as one of strength, courage and resilience.

Those emotional wounds will keep opening and bubbling up in the form of low self-esteem and confidence, lack of boundaries, co-dependency, self-hatred, criticism, a lack of self-respect and a devaluing of ourselves until we can recognise and deal with them.

They will stop you from making the most of your freedom and fulfilling your potential. They will clip your wings and prevent you from flying.

So, stop, breathe and focus on yourself. You deserve the time and attention.

It is time to fly.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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