When asked this question most will provide one of these three answers:
- Cheating
- Fighting
- Lack of communication
These are all great answers as they all can have an enormous and detrimental affect on a relationship. But there is one thing that’s larger and actually plays a part in all three.
Disrespect.
Pervasive disrespect in a relationship can doom it and create a conglomeration of other problems thus acting something like relationship quicksand.
One of the biggest problems with disrespect is that it can exist as a poisonous sublayer of the relationship and go unnoticed for a long time.
Disrespect can be overt but can also be subtle and even nonverbal. And once it becomes frequent it can just seem like the “normal way” a couple relates to one another until it has undermined and damaged, well, everything that was once good.
What Unintentional Disrespect Looks Like
“That’s a stupid idea.”
“You wouldn’t be any good at this.”
“Don’t try to act like you have a clue.”
We can all probably agree that these are examples of deliberate and overt disrespect. In fact, these could very well be considered examples of verbal abuse as well.
But what about unintentional, non-obvious forms of disrespect?
Non-obvious disrespectful behaviors are actions or comments that seem harmless at first, but can actually do a lot of damage with repetition over time.
- Initiating stressful or delicate conversations at inopportune times. If your husband is waiting for a call from his boss to hear whether his department is being dissolved and you decide to start asking him why he’s not more affectionate, it’s disrespectful.
What you’re communicating by doing this is that his worry and stress aren’t important. At least not as important as your concerns.
- Breaking a confidence. This may not be spilling deep, dark secrets, but rather revealing sensitive or embarrassing facts that your partner would prefer to keep private.
For instance, if your girlfriend has a tattoo in a private area, she may consider that for your eyes only and not want all your friends to know about it.
- Not paying attention to conversation or details. We can all get caught up in things and lose track of details, but routinely not listening what your partner tells you conveys disrespect.
If you find yourself often saying things like, “I didn’t know that!” or “You never told me that!” when your partner says they did, you’re probably guilty of not paying attention. This lack of attention is effectively saying, “I’m too busy for you and I don’t care enough to stop and listen.”
- Crossing or ignoring boundaries. If you know your husband needs time to cool off after an argument, or your wife likes privacy when in the bathroom, and you ignore these things, it’s disrespectful.
We’ve all been occasionally and accidentally guilty of many of these or similar behaviors. But a lack of malintent doesn’t mean the behavior is acceptable.
Seeing Nonverbal Disrespect
Recognizing nonverbal disrespect can be trickier. But facial expressions and body language communicate a great deal and often gets dismissed.
Do you recognize the below behaviors in yourself or your partner?
- Turning your back while your spouse is talking to you.
- Rolling your eyes.
- Walking away while they’re still talking to you.
- Disengaging from a conversation before it’s over.
- Not communicating your plans.
All of these are silent signs of disrespect.
How Disrespect Will Kill Your Relationship
If any of these situations sound familiar then you’re guilty of being disrespectful. And while they may not cause immediate, obvious problems, the frustration and irritation they create can eventually turn into resentment.
Resentment can and will,
- Stifle communication
- Multiply disrespectful behavior
- Cause division and loss of connection
This means you and your spouse will begin to drift apart.
And remember the things above that most people say will destroy a relationship? Your relationship is now very vulnerable to these things.
In other words,
Disrespect -> resentment -> growing apart -> breakdown in communication -> fighting -> more disrespect -> vulnerability to cheating.
Not a pretty trajectory.
What Can You Do?
It’s easy to say, “Just be more respectful.”
But actually doing that can be much more difficult, especially if the pattern of disrespectful behavior has become an ingrained part of your relationship.
Making a change will require intentional and conscious effort until the dial has turned enough to make it habitual. This effort is most effective when both partners are on-board and making changes together.
Try,
- Getting one another’s perspective on what you each consider disrespectful and what makes you feel disrespected. You may not realize the things you’re doing that they perceive as a problem.
- Agree on the changes that need to be made and new ways to respond or engage.
- Be okay with pointing out to each other when bad habits are sneaking back in.
And remember, not only are you the only one that can change your behavior, but the only behavior you can change is your own.
So, even if your partner’s behavior is an issue, you can choose to be respectful. It’s much harder to be disrespectful to someone who’s consistently respectful to you. It also eliminates the reaction cycle – you’re rude to me so I’ll be rude to you.
If after trying on your own and disrespect is still a problem, it’s worthwhile to consider seeing a couple’s counselor. Learning new techniques for communication and interaction can be immensely transformative for a relationship.
No one wants to feel disrespected, so why would you want the person you love to feel like you don’t respect them?
—
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/cheating-spouse
