What if You Never Find Love? [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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foreign
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there’s a woman here named Cheryl who
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brings up a topic that she says we’ve
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never addressed and she says in an email
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you always create hope and optimism but
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you’ve never addressed the distinct
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possibility that we may go to our Graves
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without ever having found a lasting
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loving relationship I am 51 divorced
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after 20 years to someone I never loved
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not even at our wedding I’ve dated
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steadily since with an open heart lots
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to give and great communication skills
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I won’t stop trying but I have to also
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hold the notion that I may possibly die
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without ever having had a lasting loving
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relationship and that’s from Cheryl
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That’s Heavy
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I always think
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of
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Gandalf’s words
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when he says to Frodo in the minds of
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Moria
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and I just love how seriously you’re
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building up to this Frodo says to
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Gandalf
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uh I wish none of this had ever happened
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Gandalf says so do all who lived to see
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such times but that is not for them to
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decide
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all we have to do is to decide what to
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do with the time that is given to us
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and
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that that line for me it just
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it is the answer to this question
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that
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anyone who
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suffers grief anyone who suffers tragedy
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anyone who suffers
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serious loneliness or despair or pain
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will have gone through a moment where
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they say I wish this hadn’t happened to
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me I wish
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life was different
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and
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and that’s understandable
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but it’s not
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our job to
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reorganize the universe that we’re in
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it’s our job to make the most of the
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time we have
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and the possibilities that we have
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Cheryl no one knows for sure whether you
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will find
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the kind of love that you are looking
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for
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the only thing you can resolve to do
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is to make the most of the time that you
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have
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to invite as much possibility into your
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life as possible
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to be courageous
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and take a few risks along the way
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wherever possible
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um
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and to then see
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what unfolds in your life
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as you do those things
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we have to resist the urge and Audrey
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has to remind me of this sometimes but
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we have to resist the urge to
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catastrophize
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because
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for the traumatized among us and for the
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people that have been through certain
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things you you will find yourself in
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life
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routinely and reflexively looking at the
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worst possible case scenario unless
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you’re doing it in a very meditative
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stoic practice way well yeah to hold it
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as a possibility is not the same thing
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as to exist there and I think that’s
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their point yeah to anxiously ruminate
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about the the worst possible outcome
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because there’s a good chance that the
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worst possible outcome won’t happen and
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if you only exist in that outcome then
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you’re not existing in the full breadth
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of of possibility of what may happen in
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your life you’re 51.
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you know that there’s a whole lifetime
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ahead of you
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um you know if you live to be a hundred
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or near a hundred you you’re at the
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halfway point
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so there’s time
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there’s time and there’s so much
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possibility
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and so
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seeing where you’re catastrophizing is
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important yes there’s the possibility
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you might die without having had a
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lasting loving relationship but I by the
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way I bet that’s not true for every part
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of your life
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I bet there have been some lasting
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loving relationships in your life even
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if they haven’t been romantic and that
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counts for something that’s real
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that’s real
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and it’s also worth saying to yourself I
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always
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I always think there are people that
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I
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thought were incredible
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whose lives at one point or another I
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might have said to myself oh I’d trade
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with them who then took their own life
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I never made it to my age
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and when I think about that I think
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will it from the looked at from that
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perspective every day I get that they
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didn’t is a bonus
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because that could have been me
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every day I get beyond the day that they
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were alive is a bonus
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so I can complain about what I’m not
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getting or what I’m not achieving or
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what’s not happening happening in my
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life
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but I could also just see it all as
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upside
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it’s just all bonus and you’re 51 like
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congratulations you made it further than
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so many people ever make it
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and you didn’t you weren’t born in you
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know 1584 and got slaughtered in some
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horrible War by being sent to the
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battlefield as a soldier with no choice
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you weren’t someone who was born in a
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time where you couldn’t even get your
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most basic needs met let alone think
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about finding love
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you’re you at 51 in 2022
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and you have your whole life ahead of
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you everything’s a bonus
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everything’s a bonus and and look you
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know it’s what happens I think for so
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many of us is we it’s so easy
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for us to get caught in the comparison
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with other people’s lives I get it I get
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it for me
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I get the worst version of it because
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I’m in LA and there’s people doing all
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sorts of crazy and achieving lots
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and people who are doing amazing things
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and sometimes I hang out with people
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that are my peers and someone’s doing
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something cool or got a new opportunity
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or writing a new book or something and
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there’s some part of me that’s like oh
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I’m not doing enough or oh I should be
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doing that or oh I and and I can go home
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almost like feeling like man I’m not I’m
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not really killing it I’m not really
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doing enough and it and I realize what’s
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made me happy is looking at what other
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people are doing
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I I remember Jonah Hill was
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um he said his he was asked who his hero
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was and he said his next door neighbor
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he said his Heroes is next door neighbor
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because this guy just that he was he he
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was on his porch one day and he saw his
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neighbor and he said his neighbor’s
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always happy and he asked if his
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neighbor what what are you how do you
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stay so happy
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and the guy said to him I don’t give a
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damn what anyone else is doing
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like I just pay no attention to what
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everyone else is doing
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and
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there’s some real wisdom in that because
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if you just at 51 see it that everything
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in your life is a bonus from here on out
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then how bad can it be if you go through
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the rest of your life with unbelievable
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friendships and people that you can lean
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on and people that you can help and
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people that you can alleviate the
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suffering of and doing things that give
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your life meaning and purpose if you
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never found that kind of Hallmark card
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version of love
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you still would have lived an amazing
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life
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and I get that there’s a sadness
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to what we don’t get in life especially
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when what we don’t get is something that
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feels deeply important to us
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but your life will still have been
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amazing
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and let’s just remember something there
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are a thousand different versions of the
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thing you think you want
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there’s a version of your life from now
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till the day you die where you have
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three really meaningful relationships
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and they’re really special and they
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added so much to your life by knowing
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these people and being with these people
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and loving these people even if they
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didn’t last
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there’s a version of your life where you
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meet the love of your life tomorrow and
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they die in a car crash six months later
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there’s every different possibility laid
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out in front of you right now you’re
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taking the one possibility of which it
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by the way is only one possibility
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out of an unbelievable number of
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possibilities but you’re taking the one
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possibility that you go the rest of your
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life without meeting someone that stays
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with you for the rest of your life
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and focusing on that and saying if that
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happens I will have lived to no effect
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or I I will die an unhappy person I
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refute that argument I don’t believe
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that’s true I believe you can live an
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extraordinary life without that
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happening and that’s in your mind the
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worst case scenario
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but there’s every other possible
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scenario
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and by the way there’s every other
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possible scenario of love for you
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and what it could mean and how you find
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it and how long it lasts and all of them
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can be wonderful in their own ways
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there’s also a scenario where you get
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diagnosed with the terminal illness
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tomorrow and you have six months
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and then how much are you thinking about
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the 30 years that you spent
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quote alone and not in love all of a
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sudden none of that matters all of a
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sudden your dream would just be that you
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get those 30 years
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that would suddenly become the ultimate
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is that you’ve got to stay here
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so that that perspective is really
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important they’re not catastrophizing is
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really important the everything is a
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bonus mindset is really important
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and one thing I would start by doing if
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I were you is I would find some role
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models
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that are different to the previous Role
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Models because you may have had Role
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Models along the way that are all
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married by now and have kids and are
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doing their own thing and they’re doing
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this doing whatever find some role
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models that are not find some role
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models that are happy without that find
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some role models that met the love of
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their life at 75 find some role models
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that took a different path because when
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you find other role models that have
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lived different paths then the very kind
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of
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specific stereotypical path that you’ve
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based your happiness on you start to
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realize how many different directions
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and paths happiness lies on I think
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there are so many forms of love we can
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express in our lives and I think that’s
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what we under appreciate is how much
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love we have inside of us and can give
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in so many Myriad ways and you know that
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bhagavad-gita quote like you’re not
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you’re entitled to the labor but not to
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the fruits of your labor
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and in a way it’s like you are entitled
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to love to like give love spread it be a
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force for love in every way in your life
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and you can’t always guarantee what
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relationships that will or won’t lead to
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whether they last what happens but you
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have the entitlement to love
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um
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that’s really good I would just add one
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thing here I want to put the impetus on
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you for a second Cheryl to just be
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to just stay really curious about what
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it is you’re attracted to in people
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and what you love about people because I
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do sense with this
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you you say here divorced after 20 years
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to someone I never loved not even at our
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wedding I’ve dated steadily since with
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an open heart lots to give and great
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communication skills
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it is possible to just take that at face
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value
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but I do
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worry that it’s not fully an open heart
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I think that I think that I’ve met
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people like this before
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and there is a sort of
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it’s like you were saying about
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comparison Matt I used to shoot weddings
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and you see the weddings where it’s like
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people are so we I’d make videos out of
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these weddings and
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you’d make this ridiculously loving
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Montage in the wedding video and you
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know the bride takes that wedding video
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and shows it to all their friends and
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all their friends are just comparing
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themselves to that bride and that that
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love but that Sam Smith song playing at
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this Crescendo of the first dance or
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whatever and it’s just impossible to
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compare it’s impossible I’m never gonna
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I’m never gonna achieve that fairy tale
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status of love
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and I I just worry that people have this
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idea of what their love life was
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supposed to be like
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and it’s they could have you know you
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could have a date today with someone
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that
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they can have a little kindling of magic
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but if you’re not really curious to like
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give that give that kindling a little
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bit of air and let it grow
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you never it might not be that Sam Smith
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song at the crescendo of the wedding it
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might you know it might never be that
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especially at the age of a 51 it might
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not be that young love or whatever
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but if you’re curious enough about
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humans and you just want to love and
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indulge
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that experience with this really
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fascinating creature across from you
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this primate
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you might just find
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uh something a little bit special I
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think that’s so beautifully put
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and I really feel drawn to what you said
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about weddings
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I love the idea that you
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their friends see the video you saw the
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wedding day and a wedding a wedding is
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already
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like a peak moment
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but the wedding video is the it it’s the
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Highlight Reel of the Highlight Reel
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yeah exactly and to compare yourself uh
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to that even even I love that idea that
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even you
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you comparing yourself to that
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to what you think other people are
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feeling in these moments in their
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relationship
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especially if you don’t think you’ve
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ever had it
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you glorify even more
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is really really valuable
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wait a minute
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before you go
15:38
what are you about to click on right now
15:40
I’ll tell you the one that’s come up on
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mine wasps in figs
15:46
figs have tiny dead wasps inside them
15:48
now is that changing your life
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no no it’s not changing mine but I have
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something that will change your life if
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you go to your dating solution.com
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you can put in your name
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select the dating challenge that most
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applies to your life right now and this
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in your love life right now check it out
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at your dating solution.com

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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