Why We Should Ditch All Dating Apps and Meet the Old Fashioned Way

Single folks are always complaining about dating apps, so why do we still use them? Social media created a new normal, but we’re not thrilled about all aspects of online relationship-building.

Just because we’re immersed in it doesn’t mean we’re not boiling to death. We’ve lost something along the way, and tech can’t improve its programming to fix the way relate to one another. We need to get back to basics, like having face-to-face human interactions to initiate and build our relationships.

Whatever happened to the good old days, when Harry met Sally, or the queer version, when Hannah met Silva? Being friends in real life, becoming lovers despite their doubts, has such lovely potential. I’ll bet they would’ve never been friends in today’s world, where we meet inside icons and pixels.

But dating apps exist now, and roughly 57% of users in the U.S. claimed to have had a positive experience. Out of all of them, though, who paired or throupled with anyone? Nearly half of those same Americans were frustrated with the platforms.

“By a wide margin, Americans who have used a dating site or app in the past year say their recent experience left them feeling more frustrated (45%) than hopeful (28%) (pewresearch.org).”

Our user experience determines success in finding someone, I’d assume. Well, more research revealed that, “…only 17% of users reported that it helped them get into a long-term relationship (hernorm.com).”

Although my dating app experience has been ok-ish (I met two lovely humans), I don’t think I’d use an app to meet anyone again. I tried half-heartedly a few times since, and it doesn’t appeal to me. I feel like I’ll meet my match at Trader Joe’s, where I have a weekly opportunity to find them.

Dating apps still hold steady, despite the frustrations. I think people need to have as many options as possible to connect with someone. Some folks embrace it all, and have no problem diving in. But those of us who are hesitant or annoyed by dating apps yearn for simpler times. Not only do our brains work differently, our hearts can’t imagine anything but connections in real life (IRL). We feel like we’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places.

We all want to find love — the rose among the thorns. We’re willing to go to any lengths on the off chance of finding that one who knocks our socks off. We continue swiping, having ridiculous chats that don’t go anywhere, holding onto hope that next time will be different. It sounds like an abusive relationship if you ask me. That’s not the best way to start anything. We think we can discern what someone’s like after meeting on the internet.

It feels like going to the hardware store and searching for the Philips screwdriver when they only have flatheads. You swipe left a thousand times, wondering when that one match will pop up. By the time you connect with someone even a little bit, you’re willing to overlook incompatibilities for someone just good enough. Why search for good when you can find the best?

People used to meet in real life all the time, a mere ten years ago when apps weren’t a thing. Facebook also was in its beginning stages, so friendships and intimate connections began the old fashioned way — at parties and other social events, shopping, common group attendance, or a mutual acquaintance.

We can still do that, you know. And now that pandemic status has reached a cautiously optimistic level (for most), it’s possible to put yourself back out there in public places and strut your stuff.

You don’t have to go far or do anything fancy. I’ll bet you can meet a new person every day— in the grocery store, walking in your neighborhood (especially if you love or have a dog), sipping tea, or running errands. Most people get out in the world and see each other on a regular basis.

We often see the same people every day or week. Think of all of us doing our thing, creatures of habit in mutual spaces. One of those neighbors or fellow shoppers is a potential mate. If you’ve heard of the proximity principle, take advantage of that here. The more you see people, the more likely you’re going to hang out. Proximity plays a role in helping people noitce one another and possibly develop an attraction.

When I think of an average day, there are so many chances at meeting people — at the gas station, Trader Joe’s (totally my scene), grabbing kitty litter for the fur babies, and more. Shopping at the pet store guarantees your person is also into animals. What food is in their cart shows a compatible healthy lifestyle and whether or not they might be single.

In-person meetings allow you both to catch that initial mutual vibe. You can explore each other further with conversation and an eventual date. You’ll know if there’s potential for chemistry, and you’ll find out if you’re compatible.

Text and video chats aren’t enough. We need to pick up on body language and get a sense of chemistry. You need to smell them and look into their soul. If you’ve ever met a person who makes you feel all tingly and shit, you know what I mean.

I went out with two people last year. I met them both on dating apps, and neither of them was a match. I went out with Georgia* a few times and *Jake once. Both dates were hiking and grabbing a tea.

Georgia is probably neurodivergent, so communicating was a little tricky. She also wasn’t over her ex. She mentioned her at the end of our hike. She said she wasn’t ready for anything serious before our second dinner and movie date.

I was sexually attracted to her but kept missing the mark when we talked. The last time we met up, she was back with her girlfriend. I was happy to see them holding hands and kissing from across the room. I’m grateful we met, but we probably could’ve met at 80s night any Friday and befriended each other without a dating app to bring us together.

I knew the moment I met Jake that he wasn’t the one for me, even after we talked for hours on the phone. I remember purposely disregarding his penchant for sarcasm (I hate most sarcasm) and interest in heavy metal (not a fan of the loudness). His interest in fitness inspired him to race up the mountain, which wasn’t my vibe. I was more interested in appreciating nature and getting to know him. I felt rushed. We called it off via text, admitting our lack of chemistry.

Although there’s nothing inherently wrong with meeting a potential mate online, I find it exhausting. I’ve been fortunate to have a soul connection with someone special, and I want that again. I can’t find that on my phone screen.

If dating apps aren’t your scene, either, admit it and delete them now. You don’t need an app to tell you what your heart is feeling. What if one of your friends is your ultimate true love?

You’ll never know who might already be meant for you if your face is glued to your phone, swiping left on the toothless, shirtless dude holding a big fish. Let him go find the woman with a bathroom selfie, holding her Budweiser tall can, wearing a neon pink halter. Now they’re meant to be soul mates. When you know, you know.

*Names changed to protect anonymity

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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