5 Things To Look For in a Partner Besides Aligned Values

“Could you imagine life without me? I can’t imagine how mine would have turned out without you. I mean, what if we had never met?”, I asked hubby while stroking his beard as we lay in bed with our eyes closed.

“That would crazy. I can’t imagine not having met you,” said hubby.

“I think it’s a miracle that we’re together,” I whispered as I held him closer and fell asleep in his arms.

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Hubby and I keep on talking about relationships, human behavior, children, how to have difficult conversations with them, worrying, life, travel, mental and physical health all morning without realizing how time passed us by.

We spend time together and by ourselves. We strive to live by our shared values such as health, communication, honesty, respect and relationships. We both value genuineness a lot. Values are personal. So it’s important to know what you value as a person. What genuineness means to Todd means authenticity to me. Authenticity is also one of my values.

There are many other things that we have in common besides our aligned values that contribute to the success of our relationship.

I’m going to share five of them with you in this story.

I. From small town to big city

We’re both from small towns and we moved to big cities. People who grow up in small towns generally tend to be more warm. That was definitely something I noticed in Todd. My upbringing as well as growing up in Bahrain has made me a very hospitable person. I love cooking, making tea and sharing home-cooked meals with others.

We both understand the pace of city life and its impact on our health as well as our relationships. We strive to maintain a balance and regularly disconnect from the ‘busyness’ that often rules people’s lives in a city.

II. Personality

Our personalities are similar. We both have the need for quiet time. We both have limited capacity for socializing and we enjoy our social events together. We’re both good hosts and we also understand that it’s not possible to get to know someone in social gatherings. We like engaging in deep conversations.

We’re both patient and good listeners. Finding these qualities in anyone is rare. Do we have differences? Yes, we do. We talk them all out because we want genuine intimacy in the relationship.

I’m an idealist while hubby is a skeptic and realist. His realism helps me ground myself and my idealism helps him see the bigger picture. His into details which makes him a great editor. Our individual differences complement our relationship.

III. Interests and hobbies

We have shared interests and individual interests. We’re both into creative pursuits. He’s into toy customizing, illustration and cartooning. I love writing and dancing. I love designing 3D crafts like dreamcatchers, stitching and costume jewelry. We both love cooking and find great joy in cooking for each other. We like exploring new neighborhoods. We enjoy simple things in life like long walks, walking and biking in nature. We like reading books and talking about them afterward.

Besides work and kids, we have enough going for us. We don’t get bored. We both understand the importance of having hobbies and interests and how they play out in relationships.

Most people have consumption habits and no hobbies or interests. As long as they find a variety in their consumption habits, they’re okay. Imagine one of the partners is fulfilled and the other constantly depends on their partner for their fulfilment. The partner who seeks constant attention gets bored easily and may end up complaining to their partner, “We don’t go out anymore. You’re not the same guy/girl I met,” or something along those lines.

It’s not our partner’s responsibility to entertain us all the time. They may occasionally do so voluntarily but if it becomes an obligation, then they’ll get sick of it sooner or later.

If you’ve ever come across people who are bored in their relationships, you know the sort of things they do.

IV. Divorced with kids

This is definitely true for us. You may need to find someone accordingly. Yes, there are exceptions where one partner has children from their previous marriage while the other has none. But that’s an exception. It may work out, or it may not.

When two people have similar histories, and children of similar ages they will find more things to connect over. Moreover, both partners will understand each other when it comes to giving time to children. I have seen examples of people without children getting jealous and not wanting to do anything with their partner’s “parenting” side of life.

V. The importance of friendship with the opposite sex

We were friends before we became lovers. Our ability to talk about anything and everything is a refreshing relief to us. We used to talk about dating, dating apps, relationships, experiences with our respective children and exes. We took and still take great pleasure in bouncing ideas off each other like we’re playing volleyball.

We have taken time to get to know ourselves individually. I believe the ability to talk about everything with our partner deepens our intimate bond with them. Sexual intimacy is great, and the presence of emotional intimacy only enhances our sexual intimacy.

I would add that intimacy with the self is equally important because if you don’t know yourself, how can you know another person? To drive this message home, I’m going to share a quote by vulnerability author Brené Brown:

There is no intimacy without vulnerability. You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.

It takes courage to love oneself, get to know oneself and others. I hope the below three stories will further guide you in this aspect. Each of the below stories shows different ways to practice vulnerability.

Concluding remarks

As the year comes to a close, what do you seek to let go of, reflect on and create? Do you know what you truly value in life? Chapter 7 in my book WIRED FOR SELF-LOVE covers building a new identity and a part of how you do that is through finding your core values.

How can you manifest a compatible life partner? Do you want a relationship? If yes, then why? What would you bring to your relationship?

Todd is the childhood friend I never had. I’m able to serve him with my childhood hobbies of making clothes for Barbie dolls I didn’t have. I tell him, “You’re the childhood friend I’m meeting in adulthood. In our next birth, make sure we meet as kids so we can play more, okay?”

This sparks our ongoing conversations about reincarnation. The skeptic talks to the believer…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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