Let’s Learn to Fight Better

Most couples come to therapy at their tipping points; when something BIG has happened, when they are in crisis, or when they’re simply at their tipping points! Until then, they stumble through their relationship, guns blazing, ready to attack, and at least one is always ready to win, or at least to fix the other. Sound familiar? I know I’ve been there once or twice (or 100 times) myself.

No matter what our childhoods looked like, we are all wounded in one way or another from our earliest relationships with our primary caregivers, the degrees to which vary, and the ways in which this manifests vary too.

But one thing is for sure: unresolved childhood wounds will always show up in our adult relationships.

Not to mention that by the time we are in relationships that are intimate enough to land us in therapy, there has likely been a whole lot of wounding and a whole lot of ineffective arguing. But we can all learn new tricks!

The good news is that couples can learn to fight better and healthier with one another.

The guns-out, ready-to-attack, ready-to-win approach only results in power struggles that lead us farther away from our goals and ultimately from one another.

Working with a couple’s therapist can help you and your partner learn new skills and new ways of being together, enhance your relational experience, and bring you closer to one another. A couples therapist can help you bridge the gap between where you are and where you wish to be in your life, and help you create the relationships you long for.

These six skills, based on those identified by Couples Therapist Robert Taibbi (2017), can help couples clear up misunderstandings, problem-solve more efficiently, and bring positive emotions back into the experience of being together. I hope they make a difference for you and your partner. If you need more help — I invite you to find a licensed therapist near you.

1.Become aware of your patterns: Pay attention to what and how you argue and learn to separate your process from your content. Consider that your process may be flawed. Often couples repeat the nature of their arguments as they get into dysfunctional patterns of communication, exacerbated by escalating emotions.
If you find that you are arguing about the same things again and again, consider that your process of arguing, your technique, is ineffective.

I invite clients, as well as myself, to use I-statements as often as possible, whereby we take ownership of our feelings, and then practice being clear and assertive with our specific asks of our partner.

When you hear yourself saying “you never” or “you always,” this should set off the red-zone alert; a time to pivot your process! Instead of saying “you never help me clean up,” try “I feel sad and unappreciated when you retreat to the couch after dinner without helping me clean the kitchen”. Then follow up with a direct and clear ask such as: “I would love it if you could ask me if I need help or even tell me to sit and rest and do it yourself on occasion”. Changing your process so that you can better focus on your content will get you closer to your desired result and towards one another.

2. Practice active listening: Oftentimes we think that we are hearing our partner, but in fact, we are in reactive or defense-mode before their words even come out. Active listening requires us to slow down, lower our defenses, and be truly present in the moment; open for listening to occur.

The process of mirroring is one I have used with clients with great success. It feels quite awkward at first, speaking from experience, but it is effective. Instead of allowing that chatter in your head to say “oh great, there she goes again,” thereby activating all your past wounding and thus your defenses, try instead to reflect back to your partner what you think he or she is saying and feeling in the moment as it occurs. Mirroring both validates the other person, and it assures that you understood their message as intended. If not, it then gives the opportunity for correction.

This is a great skill to try together with your therapist, but you must also practice at home. You might try “what I hear you saying is that you feel unappreciated and maybe even unloved when I don’t offer to help you in the kitchen” or “if I’m understanding you correctly you’re saying that you feel taken advantage of” and then check-in to make sure you got it right; “am I getting that right?”. If you don’t get it right the first time, allow your partner to share his or her feelings again, and try once more or until you hear their words as intended, and they feel heard and seen. Don’t we all want that?

3. Fight clean: Don’t fight dirty! No name-calling, defensiveness, counterattacks, or bringing up the past allowed. Practice self-regulation and help your partner do the same by calling him/her out when necessary and redirecting the conversation back to the here and now.

Instead of “Ugh, you are such a B!TCH, I am so sick of this same argument we’ve been having for three years, at least I didn’t break your trust…” and then storming away; try breathing and redirecting your partner as follows: “We aren’t talking about that right now; let’s stay focused. We are talking about today and about moving forward; about you helping me in the house and attending to my feeling unappreciated. Let’s talk so that we can move past this”.

If talking isn’t in the cards at the moment, it is perfectly acceptable to take a time out and is always preferable to fighting dirty.

It is important to stay both present in the here and now, and simultaneously forward-focused toward solutions. Keep the past in the past. You might be really tempted to bring up the past to validate your own hurts and behavior, but I invite you to let it go, allow old wounds to heal, and stay current. Do not allow your emotions to take over, or you will both lose.

4. Know how to kiss and make up: Show your willingness to repair. Just as important as it is to know when to walk away and take needed space to calm down and reset, it is equally imperative to know how to come back together after an argument.

Too often couples reignite old wounds through repeating arguments. Frustration then mounts and they angrily walk away, further growing the distance between them both physically and emotionally. Eventually, the storm passes over, but not without leaving behind it some hidden wreckage.

The things that we sweep under the rug don’t really go away, for when we lift the rug they are still there, only dirtier than before.

Sweeping things under the rug is a temporary solution only, and not a healthy one for long, for the pile grows and the dust collects, and it is actually harder to deal with later.

Avoidance solves nothing and it causes more distance between you and more damage to later repair. I recommend approaching your partner after a small time out and offering to talk it over; “hey, can we talk about earlier?” or alternatively, wrap your arms around each other and say “I love you; I’m willing to let this go, let’s move on”.

Whatever you do, don’t allow things to fester and to further disconnect you from each other. Learn how to circle back with one another and to re-visit the situation once emotions have settled. If both partners are committed to repairing, they can move closer to one another again, realigning both goals and hearts.

5. Learn how to better problem-solve: Too often couples pile on too much at once. A good skill is to break down the problem or issue at hand into manageable chunks and tackle them one at a time. Sometimes, a little investigative work is needed as well, to get to the root of the upset.

Stay present and focused, together as a couple, on the bottom line.

This might require one partner to lead the other back if one goes astray; to stay focused in order to forge on together versus falling victim to yet another power struggle. Instead of “here we go again, you want me to work all day and then come home to you yelling at me about not helping after dinner and not cuddling with you enough and, and, and…I’m so sick of this, I’m going out!” Try “what if I did the dishes and let you rest every Friday night; would that work for you?”

Look for workable solutions, one at a time. Together, a couple can create new agreed-upon behaviors for their arguments, and their needs, and essentially learn to fight smarter.

6. Provide positive feedback: Did you know that human beings need a 4:1 ratio of positive versus negative comments to feel positive? Learn to ramp up the positive comments towards your partner and make sure they always outweigh the negatives; this can do wonders to enhance the emotional climate between couples (and children too, by the way!)

When we are stuck in the negative, it becomes all we can see.

Piling on the positives toward our partner can be challenging at times, but the rewards are worth it. Sometimes you might have to really dig, or fake it till you make it, and that’s ok too.

I always tell clients to think about what they wish to see more of; something their partner does only occasionally that they really appreciate, or simply something that will make them feel good. You might try: “I love it when you take out the trash after dinner; it makes me feel cared for,” or “you look great today, I love it when you wear a dress” or “I love it when you bring me coffee to bed, I am so lucky!”

What you focus on grows, so focus on and amplify that which you wish to see more of with your partner, colleagues, employees, friends, and kids alike!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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