Why Cheaters Will Most Likely Cheat Again

Most of us expect a monogamous relationship but it sometimes gets unexpectedly crowded.

Sadly, infidelity is widespread:

Around 20% of married couples have had an affair.
Up to 70% of unmarried couples have cheated on one another.

It tears you apart and is one of the most difficult problems to treat according to couple therapists.

What makes people cheat on their partners?

Several factors lead people to have an affair like sexual dissatisfaction with their partner, broad-minded attitudes towards sex and infidelity, and personality traits (e.g. extraverted people highly value being with others and react strongly in the absence of these interactions), among others.

We also see some demographic trends.

Men tend to cheat more than women, African American men cheat more in mixed-gender relationships, and the older you are, the more likely you are to cheat (especially over the age of 55).

Is there hope for a cheater or do these people become serial relationship killers?

Here’s what we’ve learned so far.

…

There were two questions researchers wanted to answer

Is a cheater likely to cheat again?
How likely is it to do so?

People tend to have multiple partners before marriage or a long-term commitment so it’s important to know how previous romantic relationships shape the next one.

Things that have happened to us will likely affect our future relationships.

Previous studies are not very encouraging:

Women that have lived with several romantic partners before marriage (a.k.a. serial cohabitation), are more likely to remain single (experience less stability) and more likely to divorce (twice as likely than those that just lived with their future husbands).
The more partners you have (sexually or relationship-wise) the more likely of ending badly in later relationships such as sexual infidelity and lower marital satisfaction.

But let’s look at the experiment and identify what makes someone a serial cheater.

…

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Denver scientists found a way to predict infidelity.

They analyzed more than 480 people in stable relationships to look for signs of serial infidelity.

They defined infidelity as a sexual encounter with someone other than their current partner. Although it’s a limited definition (kissing or emotional affairs are not included), it’s the most widespread label of infidelity.

The study took a long-term approach (5 years studying people that have been in two different romantic relationships) and asked the following questions:

“Have you had sexual relations with someone other than your partner since you began seriously dating?”
“Has your partner had sexual relations with someone other than you since you began seriously dating?”

The general finding was as expected:

People that experience some form of infidelity (cheat, cheated upon or suspect it) have a higher risk of having those same experiences in their next romantic relationship.

Note: these experiences happen whether you’re a man or a woman or if you’re legally single or married.

The results also showed that:

Cheaters are 3 times more likely to cheat again.
Those being cheated on were 4 times more likely to suspect their partner was cheating on them in their next relationship.

People will continue to behave the way they did in the past.

Thus, cheaters are more likely to relapse.

Also, people that have been cheated upon or are suspicious of infidelity might look for similar partners in the future and maintain a more skeptical view of relationships given their past experiences.

Why?

These people might continue stumbling on certain relationship styles that create an environment where infidelity is likely.

Or they might feel that these types of behavior are expected (or acceptable) after they’ve experienced them once and thus be more tolerant when signs of infidelity appear.

Or it might even be a social factor:

“…scholars of race and relationships posit that social factors causing an unequal gender ratio in Black communities create a context in which male infidelity is ignored, tolerated, or even considered normative”

…

What motivates people to cheat repeatedly?

There’re two main drivers to engage in serial infidelity.

First, the access to desirable partners.

If cheaters see there’re alternatives that they like, they’ll likely engage. They’ve already experienced firsthand that these alternatives exist, whether they had an emotional or sexual affair, and believe these are still available to them.

Second, the acceptance of infidelity as a way of life.

People tend to behave in accordance with their attitudes so when they have a more permissive or approving belief about infidelity, they won’t stop themselves from cheating.

Since they’ve already cheated before, they’re less likely to change how they think about it in the future due to cognitive dissonance, and they’ll end up behaving in accordance with how they think.

Cheaters increase their acceptance of infidelity with every new cheating experience.

They reinforce their belief that everything is okay, so why not keep doing it?

…

Things you can do to improve your future relationships

We’ve now seen that past infidelity sets people on a continued path toward more cheating in the future.

So the first thing is to interrupt the pattern.

If we’re able to identify the circumstances that led to infidelity in the past we can avoid repeating the same behavioral patterns in future relationships.

A psychologist or counselor can help cheaters dive deep into this transformative path. Counselors tend to ask you to first acknowledge you’ve behaved this way and that you have a genuine interest in working on yourself to change. Otherwise, if don’t care about maintaining a monogamous relationship or you don’t take relationships seriously, then don’t expect to break the cycle.

You will also have to work on controlling your impulses. Even if you know it’s bad you’ll still do it, and that’s unacceptable. Avoid going to places where you’ll likely fail the fidelity test or at least minimize your exposure to these situations.

Don’t they say that opportunity makes the thief?

If you’ve been cheated on or are suspicious of it, you might consider learning more about relationships and how to choose better next time.

In other words, prevent future disasters from happening in the first place.

Make an informed decision based on the potential partners’ romantic history. If they’ve cheated before, you might be in for a rough ride.

Build good communication with your potential partner and if you see this doesn’t happen in the early dating stage, don’t pursue the relationship any further.

Explicitly define your relationship status as you undergo a transition to a stable couple. Reach a mutual definition of what your relationship entails. Where does infidelity start for both of you?

The sooner you start working on your relationship the sooner you can prevent it from going over the cliff.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***