What My Exes Taught Me About Love

All things come to an end sooner or later. Relationships are one of the things that will hurt the most. That’s because you’ve become so vulnerable that someone takes advantage of it. When this amount of emotion overcomes you, it’s hard to think straight. Yet, even while you are in love you will usually obfuscate your judgment.

I’m no stranger to breakups. There comes a time though once you’ve moved on when you can look back with a new perspective. You can differentiate the good things from the bad. That’s when you can grow and look at a new horizon to start something new with someone else.

I am a romantic when it comes to love. There is nothing that I like more than giving as much as I can of myself. Courting someone and being part of their life is very important to me. That has been taken for granted at times, but I’ve learned a few things along the way. Here are some of those lessons.

Find someone willing to grow

This doesn’t necessarily mean they have to grow along with you. We all have our own journey to go on. Things we discover on our own time. Some things that you see in a relationship will be very different from the other person’s point of view.

What is important to keep in mind is that they are actively pursuing a path of growth. The big red flag to look at here is the actions your partner is taking. It’s easy to be fooled by empty words. You are very likely to forgive someone so close to you.

When you look at what actions someone takes, it gives you a hint about how they conduct themselves. So you need to define what constitutes growth for your partner. Is it going to the gym? Or reading about a subject that can help them be better? Those are little hints that can help you along the way.

The best way I’ve found to find out if my partner is growing is to have a dedicated time when we check-in. This is sort of a feedback session where we tell each other what we’re working on. And also how we are growing. When I get resistance from meeting in such circumstances repeatedly, I know I need to start being careful.

Don’t try to change your partner

The biggest red flag that’s out there. The cliche is that if you find someone who is struggling, you can make them better. Unless you are a professional nurse or psychiatrist, stop trying. Even those people can spend decades with their patients to barely make any progress.

It’s not something you can even think to do. Personality is mainly genetic. There is some wiggle room depending on the environment. Yet you can’t make someone change 180. You can at most make them aware of their behaviour. So stop giving yourself such a heavy burden. I’ve fallen into this trap before. The most that have happened is that I slowly became as broken as my partner. And that’s because I wanted to empathize and find the root of what was troubling them.

To find out in advance what is under the “hood” of a person is to usually have them take a big five personality test. Now they can lie and fudge up their results to some extent. But it’s a good marker to start on if you make it into a game of getting to know each other better.

Don’t be selfish

To be in a relationship is to learn more about yourself. You can see the limits you have and how they contrast with someone else’s. The more you give of yourself, the more you find out what you’re willing to do. At the end of the day, you should be in a relationship with someone that wants the best for you as well.

There is an old saying in love that the person who loves the least has the power in the relationship. And unfortunately, this is true. You can’t give yourself completely to not lose yourself. There is nothing wrong to look out for your interests as long as you are still taking care of the other person.

Be attentive to the other person’s needs and also make sure to communicate when yours aren’t being met. This doesn’t mean having to obsess over the other person. You will sometimes need your own space and going back to the first point, grow in your own way. Neediness is not an attractive trait. Keeping in mind those three points will set most relationships on a path to flourishing.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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