Happily Single? You’re Lying to Yourself

French Fries

Several years ago, I gave up french fries. I absolutely loved them and found them irresistible. After a month, I lost my desire for them.

I was able to enjoy them by inhaling that delicious aroma, but that’s all I needed. I was perfectly content to not eat them.

It would have been easy to give up french fries if they were all flavorless soggy sticks that smelled wonky and looked sketchy.

Love is the same way.

It’s easy to say you are happily single if every option is boring, annoying, toxic and needs serious therapy.

I’d be happily single too if it meant avoiding something awful.

I knew I was truly happy with my choice to avoid french fries when I could be presented with the perfect fry and still say no to it.

Humans can’t do this with the perfect person.

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The Choice

Okay, single people. Imagine the perfect man or woman is before you right now. You love everything about them — how they look, their personality, their sense of humor, their values.

You are compatible in all the important ways. They check every box on your list and ignite all your senses. You find them intoxicating and are drawn to them in every way.

But. You’re happily single, right?

Given the choice, would you let this person get away in favor of staying single?

I think we all know the answer to that.

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Admit it.

You aren’t happier being single. If you found a person who was a perfect match, you would jump at it. Maybe it’s a slow motion jump after being pushed against your will off a ledge, but you would find yourself falling for something that you can’t extract from your heart or mind.

The truth is this: You gave up. And for good reason. No one is blaming you for it, but let’s just be honest.

Most of us fear rejection, failure or getting broadsided two months into it. We want to avoid crazy-making drama and derailment of our peaceful little lives.

In some cases, we claim we would rather let go of someone we love instead of doing the hard work to make the relationship work.

We would prefer not to look at ourselves and how we sabotage a good thing. No one wants to admit they have an old wound that is bleeding on a person who didn’t cut them.

That unhealed wound is keeping them single.

“Happily” single.

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The solution

First, we have to know WHY we prefer being single.

What is it that we are seeking to avoid? Is it something in other people or something being triggered within me?

Example: Am I looking to avoid someone who has insecurity issues, or I am hesitant to have my own insecurities triggered?

If I want to avoid bad relationships, then I must develop my ability to suss out poor matches. I have to learn to set boundaries, establish unshakeable standards (within reason) and communicate my needs, desires, and feelings.

Guess how you do that. By meeting and dating a lot of people.

But. If I have things in me that I am trying to avoid, it’s worth getting professional help. This will allow me to shift my perspective, learn from my past, and re-establish self love, inner peace and a path forward.

If you want to meet higher quality people, become the best version of yourself. Face your wounds. Do the healing work.

You’ll be amazed at what you attract then.

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The exception

Then there are those who are newly single. Those who need a break from relationships so they can recover, heal and find themselves again.

Those people are usually very happy being single for a while because they are finally free from emotional stress.

I get that. Been there myself. Several times.

But. Once you move past that recovery period, people naturally long to be connected with another person.

If you don’t, you’re likely still in that wounded recovery state. If you’ve been in that state for an unusually long time, it may be time for professional help.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

It simply means that the wounds need a little help in resolving so you can move forward with your life.

The other side is worth getting to. I guarantee someone on this planet is waiting for you over there.

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We are designed for connection

People are designed to be connected intimately with other people. We are designed to love and care for another human being. And to be cared for by someone who loves and adores us.

You are no exception.

Our purpose is connection. We evolved in tribes, where every person in our tribe was tightly connected with one another. This ensured our survival, our safety and our ability to thrive in the raw elements.

Maybe you can “do it alone” — with modern technology and the internet, you can do anything you want without involving another human being.

But that won’t ever make you truly happy in your soul.

No one lies alone, on their deathbed, in an empty room saying, “This is how I wanted it”.

Remember that each time you say how much you love being single.

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Humans are not french fries.

Giving up a food item like french fries is an option — I can replace it with roasted veggies and munch away happily on that instead.

When you give up your quest for love and connection, what do you replace it with? Some may say they deepen their connection with themselves, or with God.

And that’s valid. But I’m pretty sure God wants you to fall asleep in the arms of a person who loves you every night. If God wanted you to be single and independent, you would have been born a skunk or a komodo dragon.

Giving up your instinctive desire to be connected intimately with another human is not an option you will ever find peace with.

Surrender to what you are designed to do. ❤

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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