17 Life Lessons on Love, Dating and Relationships

Before you dive deep into this article, I need to caveat my life lessons and experiences by saying I’m not a “Dating Connoisseur”, a “Lothario”, or a “Serial Dater”. I am merely a guy who had a long journey with love; without these experiences, I would not have become the person I am today.

#1 — If you have to ask yourself if you’re in the right relationship, you’re probably in the wrong relationship.

Let’s be honest; whether or not someone is in the right relationship can depend on many factors. It is true that if someone consistently has doubts about the relationship or is unhappy, they might not be in the right relationship. Alternatively, it is possible to have moments of uncertainty or insecurity in any relationship, and these feelings alone do not necessarily mean the relationship is wrong.

Yet, in my experience, whenever I had this specific feeling, it created an unsettling feeling and changed my attitude towards the person I was dating. This feeling would snowball, and eventually, it would be one of the factors why I broke up with the person.

#2 — There is somebody out there waiting to love you more than you ever thought possible. Don’t quit before you find them.

Everyone has the potential to find a loving and fulfilling relationship. But the idea that there is one specific person out there who is meant to be in a relationship with you is far-fetched (in my perspective).

Finding a compatible partner takes time and effort and can be challenging. You need to remember; every person is different, and what you are looking for in a partner can also differ from person to person.
Also, never settle for less, but also avoid placing all your hopes on the idea of “the one” and avoid quitting too early. All good relationship takes time and effort to find, but the upside pays off.

#3 — There are no shortcuts to healing from heartbreak. Allow yourself to feel the heartbreak, and eventually, you’ll move past it.

It is a natural and normal process to go through, and it is essential to allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with it.

Now, this might be a slightly weird way of putting it, but you need to give yourself time to grieve the relationship’s loss and process the feelings that come with it, whether it be sadness, anger, or disappointment.

At the same time, remember that healing is a process, and it’s not always linear. You might have good and bad days, feeling like you’re making progress, but sometimes feeling like you’re back at square one. Be patient with yourself, and remember that taking as much time as you need to heal is okay.

There is no set time frame for healing. Everyone is different, and it can take different lengths of time for different people to get over a breakup. If feelings of sadness, hopelessness or depression persist over a long period of time, it might be helpful to seek professional help (therapy or counselling) to process the emotions and move forward.

#4 — Sometimes, good people do bad things. It doesn’t mean you have to forgive them, nor does it mean you have to demonise them either.

Sometimes good people do bad things, and when dealing with the aftermath of their actions, you need to recognise that everyone is capable of making mistakes and that people are complex and may have multiple sides to them.

Forgiveness is a personal choice, and it’s not always necessary or appropriate in all situations. Forgiveness is a process, and it’s something that should be done for yourself, not for the person who hurt you.

Everyone heals differently, and doing what is best for you is important.
Demonising someone for their actions is not always helpful. Instead of viewing them as entirely “good” or “bad,” it’s key to understand their actions and motivations and remember that they are human. This can help you to move on from the situation without carrying a lot of anger or resentment towards them.

Now in some scenarios, you may need to separate the person from their actions and understand that they are separate things. It’s possible to hold someone accountable for their actions without demonising them as a whole person.

I realised that I could make a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. You can forgive someone without having any further contact or interaction with them. Furthermore, I had to remind myself that forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you have to re-engage with that person.

#5 — Learn to leave someone without villainising them and never find peace if you asked for it from the person who disturbed your peace in the first place.

When a relationship ends, it can be easy to cast the other person as the “villain”, but this is not always accurate or fair. Recognise that relationships are complex and that you and the other person likely played a role in the breakdown. Blaming one person for the relationship’s failure does not consider the nuances and complexities of the situation. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but as they say, “it takes two to tango”.

Healing from a relationship is a personal process, and taking the time you need to move on is necessary. Finding peace or closure might not come from the person who caused the disturbance in the first place. I strongly believe in finding peace and closure by focusing on your healing process and not depending on the other person’s actions.

You have the power to find peace within yourself. You don’t need to wait for the other person to grant it. Focus on taking care of yourself and your well-being rather than fixating on the other person. This can include taking the time to process your feelings and emotions, seeking support from friends and family, and engaging in self-care activities.

Not everyone will understand or take responsibility for their actions, so seeking an apology or an explanation for what went wrong may not give you the closure you want. Find closure and peace on your own rather than relying on others.

#6 — Learn to love your loneliness. It will protect you from giving yourself away to all the wrong people.

Learning to be comfortable with being alone can help you make better choices in relationships. When you are afraid of being alone, you may be more likely to stay in a bad relationship or settle for less than you deserve.

You need to build a sense of self-worth and self-confidence so that you don’t feel like you need to be in a relationship to be complete or happy. When you love yourself, you’re less likely to put up with someone else’s mistreatment or neglect. When you’re comfortable being alone and don’t feel like you need someone else to validate you, you’ll be in a better position to choose a healthy relationship and walk away from one, that’s not right for you.

Distinguish between being alone and feeling lonely and understand that it’s possible to feel lonely even in a relationship. I wanted to highlight that “loneliness” doesn’t always mean being physically alone. It also can be a feeling of isolation, despite being in a relationship or surrounded by people. It’s possible to feel alone but not lonely. This is an experience I felt in previous relationships, and I told myself I would never put myself in a similar situation.

Learning to love being alone doesn’t mean you should avoid relationships altogether. It’s okay to want companionship, affection, and love from others. It’s a normal human desire. I tried this lifestyle, and trust me; it doesn’t work. A healthy balance between valuing your company and seeking connections with others is necessary to live a fulfilling life.
A healthy level of independence will help ensure you enter into healthy, fulfilling relationships with mutual respect, trust, and boundaries.

#7 — Rejection is a part of a well-lived life; if one person rejects you, it doesn’t mean another person won’t come along and love you for everything you are.

Rejection is a natural and normal part of life and does not reflect your worth. Everyone’s experiences and preferences are different, and just because one person doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you doesn’t mean that someone else won’t.

Remember that rejection doesn’t always mean a permanent end, rejection can come in different ways, in different scenarios and at different times, and not every rejection is final. Sometimes rejection could also be a temporary setback or even a lesson to learn from.

I realised that when I focused on my happiness and well-being rather than solely on finding a partner, enjoying being single, and working on myself and my own goals. When I became comfortable with myself and my company, I attracted a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Focus on becoming the best version of yourself and living a well-rounded life rather than fixating on finding a partner.

#8 — Sometimes, it wasn’t you, and it wasn’t them.

Personally, there are usually many factors that can contribute to the success or failure of a relationship, and it’s not always possible to pin the blame on one person or another (as mentioned earlier).

Relationships are complex. It’s not always about what one person did or didn’t do; it can be a combination of things. It’s important to remember that many variables can play a role in the success of a relationship, such as timing, personal growth, and compatibility.

People change and grow over time, and what may have been a good match at one point in time may no longer be a good match. You need to understand that some relationships may run their course, and that’s okay. Learn from the experience and move on rather than dwelling on blame.

#9 — Not everyone is meant to be together; most people need to date the wrong person first to find the right person later.

Not everyone is meant to be together; sometimes, people need to date the wrong person to learn and grow and ultimately find the right person.
Dating can be a process of self-discovery, and it can take time and experience to learn what you are looking for in a partner and to develop the skills needed for a healthy relationship.

By dating different people, you can learn more about yourself and what you want in a partner. You might learn more about your values and needs and what you are willing and not willing to tolerate in a relationship. You also learn about your own patterns or tendencies, for example, what type of person you tend to be attracted to and what kind of attraction is healthy or not.

A hard reality of life is that not every relationship will be successful, and that’s okay. Every experience can be a learning opportunity and a chance to grow. And even if the relationship doesn’t work out, you can still value the experience and the lessons you learned.

I realised that dating the “wrong” person shouldn’t be taken as a failure but rather as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Not everyone has the same journey, some people might date the “right” person from the start, and others might take longer to find their match like myself.

I want to reassure you that only some people need to be in a romantic relationship to live a fulfilling life. There are many different ways to find happiness, and sometimes focusing on other aspects of life, such as career, friendships, and personal growth, can be just as important. When the right person comes along, you’ll know it, and the journey will be worth it.

#10 — Know who you are, and no one will ever be able to use it against you.

Be confident in who you are as a person. Knowing yourself, your values, your goals, and what you want in a relationship will help you navigate through dating and relationships more effectively.

Knowing who you are and what you stand for makes it easier to recognise when someone is not treating you with the respect and consideration you deserve. It also makes it easier to communicate your needs and boundaries with others and makes it less likely that someone will take advantage of you or treat you poorly.

By being self-aware and self-assured, you’ll be less likely to compromise yourself to please someone else. Also, by being true to yourself, you’ll be more likely to attract people who appreciate and respect you for who you are.

I only realise this lesson in life in my late 20s. However, Self-knowledge is not a one-time achievement, it’s a life-long journey, and it’s important to continue to work on understanding yourself, growing, and being open to change.

#11 — Going back to a person who hurts you means you trust them MORE than you trust in your future. Trust me. Your future is always better.

If a person has hurt you in the past, there is a high likelihood that they will hurt you again in the future.

Returning to a person who hurt you can be a sign of a lack of self-worth, low self-esteem and a belief that you are not worthy of better or that you deserve the treatment you’re getting. I understood that no one deserves to be treated poorly and that I deserved to be with someone who would treat me the same way I would treat them.

When you trust in your future, you trust that you will find someone who is better suited for you and will treat you well. Trusting in your future means that you believe in your ability to create a fulfilling and happy life and that you can find a healthy and loving relationship.

Change is not easy and might take time and effort. Yet, committing to oneself and avoiding repeating the same mistakes is important. With time, patience, and effort, it’s possible to trust your future.

#12 — Most of the time, you can’t break up with someone without breaking their heart.

Breakups can be painful and emotional experiences for everyone involved, and approach them with sensitivity and compassion.

I realised breakups could be difficult and emotional, not only for the person being broken up with but also for the person doing the breaking up. It’s key to have a transparent and honest conversation and to express your feelings and reasons for ending the relationship.

Not every relationship is healthy; sometimes, ending a relationship is the best decision for you and them. You should not stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling, unsafe or causing harm.

How someone handles a breakup doesn’t always reflect how much the person loved or cared about the other. People handle breakups in different ways, and it’s important to respect that. Some people might take it hard and might be sad for a while. Others might take it well and move on quickly. It doesn’t mean that one loved less or more.

In the past, I could move on from the relationship because the relationship had already died a while back, and it was now merely a formality and breaking up with the person.

#13 — Learn to be the bad guy because it’s a better choice than being the good person who’s lying to their partner.

Being honest and upfront about your feelings and intentions is important in a relationship, even if it may be difficult or uncomfortable. Any form of dishonesty or hiding your true feelings can lead to more significant problems. If the relationship isn’t working for you, it’s essential to be honest about that, even if it’s hard.

Remember, honesty doesn’t mean being cruel or hurtful. Express your feelings in a way that’s respectful and considerate of your partner’s feelings as well. Being kind and sensitive in your communication will make it easier for your partner to understand where you are coming from and also easier for them to accept the situation.

#14 You don’t need to be friends with your ex, and you don’t need to be the bigger person. You just need to move on.

Sometimes it is necessary to move on and let go of a relationship to move forward. It is true that being friends with an ex can be difficult, especially immediately after a breakup, and that it can make it harder to move on.

However, I realised that moving on from a relationship means different things for different people. For some, it might mean cutting off contact completely; for others, it might mean being friends. For those who know me, I’m a big fan of the former technique (out of sight, out of mind).

Being friends with an ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not over them or that you’re not ready to move on. You need to do what feels right for you. In some cases, being friends with an ex can be a healthy and beneficial step in the healing process, as long as it’s done healthily and both parties are on the same page.

You don’t need to force yourself to be friends with your ex if you don’t want to, and you don’t need to feel guilty about it. Your emotional well-being and do what’s best for you.

Furthermore, you don’t need to be the bigger person. You need to be kind, respectful, and considerate to each other and remember that being friends with an ex can be a decision that’s not set in stone. Changing your mind is okay if you need more time to move on.

#15 — Blocking someone is not a sign of weakness.

It’s a way of setting boundaries and creating a physical and emotional distance between you and the person who is causing you harm or distress. Some people may not feel comfortable blocking someone, while others might find it necessary. You need to respect what feels right for you.

Blocking someone is a way of protecting yourself from unwanted contact, harassment or abuse. It’s a way of saying, “I’m not okay with this behaviour, and I’m taking steps to protect myself.” It’s also a way of saying that you will not tolerate any more of the same behaviour.

You have the right to set boundaries and protect yourself; blocking someone is one of the options available. In my view, it is not a weakness but a strength since it shows that you are taking care of yourself and that you are in control of the situation.

#16 — You can love somebody and also know they’re not right for you.

It is possible to love someone and know they may not be the right person for you in a romantic or long-term relationship. Love can take many forms, and it can be complicated.

Love is not always enough to sustain a healthy and long-lasting relationship. Factors such as compatibility, communication, shared values and goals, and the ability to work through challenges and conflicts also play a crucial role.

The mere fact that you love someone doesn’t mean that the relationship is healthy and functional or that the person is the right match for you. Be honest with yourself about what you truly want in a relationship and your needs, and make sure you are not settling for less.

If someone isn’t right for you in a romantic relationship, it doesn’t mean you can still care for and love them differently.

Love is not a one-size-fits-all, and it’s possible to care deeply for someone while acknowledging that they may not be the right person for you in a romantic or long-term relationship. Also, it’s okay to end a relationship that is not fulfilling, even if it’s difficult.

I realised how love is not a constant; it can change and evolve, and what was right for you in the past may not be right for you in the present

#17 — There’s always time to start over and become the person you want to be.

Life is constantly changing and evolving, and people can change and grow throughout their lives. The past does not define the future; we can change and grow. Sometimes, starting over means letting go of things that no longer serve us or are holding us back and making the conscious decision to move forward and make positive changes in our lives.

You can shape your life and create the person you want to be. We can change our mindset, our beliefs, and our habits, to learn new skills, and to try new things.

Also, starting over doesn’t mean forgetting the past; it means learning from it and using the lessons to shape a better future. Your past experiences, both good and bad, can provide valuable insight and help guide you towards the person you want to be.

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Some of my experiences or dating/relationship advice can be good and valuable, and some might be subjective and situational. Taking what feels right for you and what works for you is essential. What are your thoughts? I would love to hear your views in the comment section, and I will respond to them.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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