In2021, I left Chicago to move to Michigan, disgruntled with the constant dating and pessimistic state of mind.
I was done trying to be the successful man who impresses women with everything I had accomplished in my life (hint — this is where many people go wrong).
Two years later, this is what I’ve learned about compatibility and growing into a better man.
Your quest for compatibility is a hero’s journey
Wanting authentic compatibility makes you a hero.
Years of heartbreak. Loss. Frustration. Failure. Superficiality. Money. Bad first dates. Worse second dates. Lies. You name it. I’ve experienced it.
There’s one similar thing about this human journey: we all suffer.
It’s our human birthright.
Your struggle to date admirably, be in a relationship, or marry doesn’t make you a failure; it makes you human.
And guess what?
Humans figure shit out.
You will too.
One of our greatest human strengths is adapting from the stone age to the information age, so be kind to yourself.
You got this.
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility,” — Orson F. Whitney.
And to our awareness of compatibility.
Are you out there dating, making useless resolutions for 2023, hopelessly wondering, and wandering about looking for compatibility in the wrong places?
Because I feel your pain.
I wanted to find a fun, thriving type of love or compatible partner.
I’m 43.
And I shot myself in the foot for too many years.
But this is why it’s important to remember you’re not alone.
This is your hero’s journey — not anyone else’s.
You can’t give up and be with someone you don’t have compatibility with just because you’re tired.
Or lonely.
Or mad.
Or sad.
There are dragons to slay.
Skeletons to release.
Beautiful epiphanies to make.
Hands to hold.
This quest to be compatible starts with authenticity.
Let’s be grateful for what we have and who we are becoming.
You probably aren’t in a concentration camp. You probably aren’t getting murdered for speaking out about civil rights by a dictator. Unlike billions of other humans, you’re probably spending more than $2 a day, so let’s think about the things we have — and how awesome it is to live a life of freedom, convenience, and authenticity.
Learn your authentic compatibility traits
A few years back, I asked my closest friends what personality traits, values, and qualities a compatible woman would have with me.
“A woman that would hold the string of my kite as I try to fly away,” my college roommate said.
“Okay, so what, I’m a flight risk now?” I chuckled.
“Basically,” he said. “You need someone that can reel you back in when you get too far from Earth.”
His words resonated with me.
Other compatible words I heard:
Funny.
Smart.
Athletic.
Caretaker.
Kind.
Forgiving.
Independent.
Passionate about their work.
Go ask the friends and family that know you best to give you some insight into what partner fits you.
What real compatibility looks and feels like
A thriving love, friendship, or relationship is simple: it’s an authentic compatibility happening inside positive daily interactions.
John Gottman, a world-renowned relationship psychologist, can predict with up to 95% accuracy if a couple will stay together.
Compatibility is a pull towards authentic, positive actions.
You’ll want to see how their day went. You’ll want to watch that show, walk with them, work out, go to the live music venue, eat dinner, cuddle, and touch. Whatever you do, it usually ends up being a positive experience.
And no, you don’t lack love.
You lack the compatibility of two people being themselves inside a meaningful partnership.
Real compatibility creates intimacy on every level.
When you trust your partner platonically, romantically, intellectually, and erotically, you know they have your back, and you have theirs.
Authentic compatibility in relationships involves knowing and feeling like you can always be yourself (and vice versa).
You trust they’ll show up for you — forgive you, love you despite your flaws, help you grow, etc.
I love to laugh-snort-giggle-fart for comedic effect (gasp) and share coffee in bed while we share our day digesting the edibles we shouldn’t have tried.
It took me a long time to realize compatibility is about another human’s values, mindset, authenticity, and qualities and how those things align with who I naturally am.
Who are you? Who are they?
Look at what they do daily.
A person that loves to listen to mystery podcasts probably loves crime stories. A person that works out daily probably cares about their physical and mental health. A person that goes surfing probably wants to be a surfer. A person that hikes usually loves being outdoors. A person that treats the barista with kindness is probably kind.
Watch what they do and how they interact with people. Their daily actions are a vote for the type of person they are evolving into.
Stop trying so hard to find “the perfect love.”
I know how dating games work in the modern world.
I got caught up in that psychological trap of wanting more.
Yes, let’s just admit it. This world has millions of beautiful, amazing, and intelligent opportunities to swipe towards.
And there’s also a buffet of creeps, weirdos, vanity, fake lips, and peacocking to sift through.
But if you always keep swiping, looking for that perfect one, never meeting and getting to know someone, you’ll never learn about compatibility.
Instead of getting to know someone and letting them get to know you, you keep swiping for perfection.
The problem with this dating model is everyone has flaws, even if you can’t see them yet (including you). You have psychologically conditioned yourself for more dopamine, just like a gambling addict at the slot machines.
What you learn about compatibility as you get older
Date and build something with someone you admire — not just someone you find attractive.
As you get older, you gently put your line in the water and stop tugging so hard.
You may start to admire certain fish for how they think, how they move, how they swim, and how they interact with the other fish.
Compatibility is mutual admiration and self-awareness of one another.
Not all the fish are going to swim with you.
So release the line quicker when it doesn’t feel right.
And stop over-compensating with shiny lures and expensive rods.
Just listen and watch for a good pull, reel them in, and take a chance.
When is the time right?
Never.
Always.
Somewhere in between.
Stop caring about time and live your authentic life.
Invite someone to do something you both enjoy doing.
Ultimately, a thriving relationship isn’t popularity or status or a “Hey, look at how cool I am” game.
It’s a compatibility game.
Stop taking rejection or incompatibility as a personal assault on your self-worth or self-esteem. You’ll be more attractive to the right people when you learn this hard lesson.
What compatibility reveals over time
Compatible relationships shouldn’t feel like a chore.
Compatibility feels like you’re meeting your closest friends for lunch and then feeling like you want amazing sex in a public bathroom (or bedroom) with them after.
Compatibility can be silence.
It can be independent.
It can be not talking in a long car ride or impressing them with your new toys.
You can just be you for once.
And a thriving love isn’t just that magic trick of physical infatuation.
It happens more like a tsunami.
Somewhere a big rock falls into the water, and a thousand miles later, it washes over everything you once knew.
…
Thanks for reading.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Khamkéo Vilaysing on Unsplash
