Tracy Moore at Jezebel thinks their readers should learn to embrace “intrigue” over sexual attraction in their potential lovers.
When I saw the title of the article, “How to Have Sex with Someone You Don’t Think Is Hot,” I thought, now here’s advice no one has needed, ever, in the free world. Why would Jezebel be advising women on survival sex? So I did what the editors there wanted me to do and clicked through to Tracy Moore’s report on a humorously proposed holiday: “Have Sex with an Ugly Person Day.”
Moore reports on Lance Manion’s suggested celebration on April 2 with her own, alternative holiday: “Have Sex With an Intriguing Person Day,” on April 3. Moore describes Manion himself “a non-photo-providing man with what I hope is a made-up last name,” and his made up holiday this way:
It’s exactly what it sounds like, where beautiful people stoop to entwine limbs with the least genetically blessed among us, all in the comical spirit of asking “What is beauty” and “Are we too fixated on the media and its obsession with physical attractiveness?” Excellent questions, Lance Manion. How do you purport to address them?
While embracing the same hot and folksy jumble of so-called “wisdom” around who’s hot and who’s not, Moore admits that no one can say who is beautiful (according to her profile, she was once sure Corey Haim would never find her attractive.) Moore is certain that Manion’s definition of “really ugly” is “superficial”: that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone. Which cliché about beauty are we supposed to believe? The author doesn’t make this any easier by introducing a replacement in “intriguing,” which might be the new “good personality,” as in, “Sure, he’s ugly, but he’s quite intriguing.”
Again, from Moore:
And you can argue all day long about the benefits of banging a supermodel, but I don’t think anyone can deny that there are ugly people out there who are completely under appreciated and who would love the opportunity, for better or worse, to have sex with a gorgeous male or female.”
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Sure, for the sake of argument, there are ugly people—by someone’s definition—who are under appreciated, again, by someone’s definition, and who would love to bang a gorgeous (again, subjective) male and/or female (uh, ditto). Why are supermodels now “opportunities” to be won, not people with the right to their own private sex lives? A supermodel might even be reading this article. Moore might have had her agreeing with her up to this point, when she tried to give her away like a prize. But besides that, she has proved exactly nothing about anything.
But again, for the sake of argument, let’s say that scientists know more than lovers about who is attractive, and that so called “mixed attractiveness” couples can be said to objectively exist. What are the implications for poor Manion?
But if, as we are told in most studies, most people pair off with their aesthetic equals, then Manion is wrong that there is some kind of injustice in ugly people getting laid by other ugly people, when in fact, that seems to be “How it Works.” Clearly, Manion just wants to fuck someone prettier than he is. While this is not a crime, we suggest he rethink hotness in his favor.
There’s so much to unpack here. There’s no reason to believe that because things just work that way, that they’re fair. Is it right that one percent of the people in the US own more than a third of all its wealth? No, but that is “How it Works,” at least for now. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to change things. But is there anything that could, or should, be changed to satisfy Manion? Is he entitled to fuck someone prettier than himself, as Moore claims, and is declaring a holiday with ribbons and mercy fucks the way to do it?
No, but not for the reasons you think. It turns out that those ugly people who wish like anything they could bang a supermodel are the ones who are great in bed, according to Moore, and beautiful people should be so lucky as to have such good sex. It’s not in the beauty of who you’re fucking, she says, it’s their talent in the sack. Doesn’t this perfectly match gender roles as we know them: that men are judged on their ability to do, and women on their ability to look good? Even in bed: it’s about men’s “performance.”
Moore claims intriguing people are good at sex, and that’s why you should stop seeking out attractive (to you) people, and start looking for the intriguing ones and have sex with them, instead. She evidently believes that: A) attractive people aren’t intriguing; B) people she finds intriguing are going to please her as lovers; and C) chemistry equates with technical skill. But believing that intriguing people are going to turn you on if you just give them a chance is just as false as believing that beauty makes someone hot in bed. And finally, pure talent at sex isn’t a sure indicator of sexual chemistry.
So I’m sorry, Tracy, but I don’t think you’ve hit on a scientific answer to the question of chemistry any more than poor Lance has. But I can tell you one thing, and it is that if there is anything we do know about sexual attraction, it’s that there is no telling what people will find hot. So keep experimenting.
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Image credit: Sam Howzit/Flickr
I’m pansexual, female bodied, and mostly female identified (90%) of the time. Put me in a room with 10 ciswomen, 10 cismen and this is likely what will happen: I will find 1/10 women physically attractive, but I will be able to chat/flirt/be awkward with most of them. I will find 8/10 men physically attractive, talk to all of them, but likely will only find myself flirting/interested in a couple of them. The others I will find boring. So, even though I’m attracted to more men, I’m more likely to flirt/spend my time pursuing a woman because I find them… Read more »
Justin, did you know that the average woman finds 80% of young men to be physically unattractive and ugly?
The looks, appearance, bodies of the vast majority of men do nothing for women.
Bro, women have no choice but to have sex with ‘ugly’ men.
I don’t think women or men who are sexually attracted to men find them ugly. Women, do you think Tim is correct?
Thats why they are attracted to so few of them.
Thats why most women have to base attraction on qualities other than looks, because men’s looks are never enough to cause attraction in the majority of cases.
How many times when you go out, you catch women checking you out?
How many times have you been approached and pursued by women in your life?
Honestly, Tim? Women check me out all the time.
Justin, Great cheeky writing and I hope she finds a good therapist to work through her issues. 🙂
Yeah, I’ve never heard such a thing, and I’ve spent a lot more time with women than most of you, probably (two sisters, lots of aunts, tons of female friends, spent years working with only women, have a degree in women’s studies…). What I *have* discovered, however, is that women find certain traits attractive maybe even more than looks. One example of this might be that my female friends will find more guys in a situation “hot” depending upon what they’re doing. Playing volleyball? You don’t even have to see their faces to say “those guys are hot”. Engaged dads… Read more »
That’s a really good point about context, Joanna.
Agreed, and another woman who has posted below, Dj, seems to agree, though I think men are also sensitive to context. When I hear men responding to the question of when they’ve found a woman hot, the answers can be very specific, and are about how they feel about this woman as a person, the lighting, what they’ve been doing, where they are… maybe it’s more a case of men not being taught that it’s okay or manly to talk about such sensual details or emotional context.
“What I *have* discovered, however, is that women find certain traits attractive maybe even more than looks. ” really? so why so many women crazy and obsessed with good looking celebrity and male models? Why so many young girls crazy and obsessed with Channing Tatum , Robert Pattinson, and other celebrity guys, when their personality ( hello Channing and Robert? ) is not really interesting? I have sisters and many female friends too, and from what I have seen, they always have a good looking guys as their idol. I never see young teenage girls idolizing comedian and athlete who… Read more »
Since you asked… My take is that at first glance around a crowded public place, I might only notice the men who fit my definition of hotness. (The first thing I notice about a man is his facial hair. Those with beards/mustaches get on my radar faster than those without.) But upon a closer look at any individual man, I can usually find something attractive about him – facial hair or not. I can’t be certain, but I have a feeling this is how it works with most women. Guys we are attracted to are the first ones we notice… Read more »
“I can’t be certain, but I have a feeling this is how it works with most women. Guys we are attracted to are the first ones we notice – this is subconscious. Sit us down with any guy from the remainder, and the conscious levels of attraction kick in. So yeah, maybe 80% of guys won’t catch my attention at first, but that doesn’t mean I find them patently unattractive” when I first met my current girlfriend, I don’t even notice her because I found her looks are average. After knowing her for months ( yes months!! ) suddenly shes… Read more »
I’d like to see that data.
The data, thats a good question. One day when I have enough resources I’m gonna conduct a mega scale study that would involve a million people of both sexes, showing them atleast a 1000 images of young people of the opposite sex who are representative of the population. (Ofcourse selecting those images would be a difficult task itself). They would be asked to rate the physical attractiveness of each of the 1000 people. Perhaps on a scale of 1-10 or on a qualitative one such as very attractive, reasonably attractive, somewhat attractive, unattractive. The results would be averaged out and… Read more »
But pictures aren’t people, Tim.
Not just that (which is a very valid point), but Tim, that’s just not how science works. If you go into an experiment with as heavy a bias as you already have, I bet you anything the data will confirm your bias – because you’ll (consciously or not) design a study that will confirm what you already believe. The scientific method starts with a hypothesis and ends with a theory (AFTER peer review and duplication of the results), not the other way around. So don’t even pretend your opinion has a basis in fact, because right now, it’s just a… Read more »
you haven’t said what EXACTLY is flawed about this study?
Do you have a problem because you think it would be BIASED since you presume that I would personally conduct this study OR do you think its inherently FLAWED by design?
If you presumed the former, let me clarify that I didn’t mean that I would personally design, conduct and interpret such a study. Obviously sociologists who are well versed with scientific methods would conduct it.
Is this even open for debate? Most men find most women attractive. Not necessarily hot, or smokin, but attractive. Most women find most men less than attractive. How do I “know” this? Because this is what I’ve been told by men and women ever since I found most women attractive. If this isn’t the case then tell me how I can reboot the last fifty years of my life. …On second thought, skip it. Someone remind me again why I get sucked into these articles. Maybe its because I get tired of the attractive people trying to save the rest… Read more »
I think what men and women do to their appearance really matter to their attractiveness. I’m a straight guy but I can say when a man is attractive. In USA and most country in Asia and Africa, majority of men are not attractive because they don’t care for their appearance. They don’t bother have fat bellies and wearing ugly loose t shirt and jeans everywhere. But in western Europe its another story. Even though I’m a straight guy, I have a hard time not to ogle other men in Sweden, Spain, Italy, and France. Seriously, they are so much more… Read more »
I am too afraid to click on the last link you posted there. Good article Justin.
Ha! Thanks for your feedback on my first draft of this essay, Dani, I appreciated it and I think it’s made this version more clear. Please don’t fear that final link. I don’t know if you were reading us last spring, but there was a dust up over an essay about admiring women for particular assets. It spun off into many response pieces, including the one I’ve linked to here, which was my take on the subject.