Embracing Life’s Unexpected Breaks: A Father’s Journey to True Productivity

Two days ago, I found myself simply needing a break. If you read my last article, you know I am up at 5:00 am daily, Monday through Friday, and no later than 6:30 am. My son and I always find ourselves in a quiet Starbucks here in Southern California, and last Thursday was the same.

Starbucks tends to be like a second home for me. I know 95% of the employees very well; we talk about their relationships, how their weekends went, and what they’re working on outside of their jobs here at Starbucks (it’s Los Angeles, and almost everyone is working on something else industry related), etc. Once I am settled in at my table and get my son situated, including a diaper change, out of his PJs and into day clothes, and his bottle, I can finally grab a cup of coffee. I always am last, but I wouldn’t have it any other way for my son! With my Tall Pike Place brewed coffee with almond milk in hand, the computer opened, and baby boy relaxed; my head was ready to smash another morning out of the park, conquering a ton of work! The only issue? I quickly realized I was utterly lost for words, daily tasks, agenda, everything. Everything I had planned to focus on this morning had escaped me. I have been on a work roll; this can’t happen.

Having a blank mind, not knowing what to work on simply will not work for me! I need to find the leads! There are homes to be sold and money to be made! I have a societal norm to live up to; this is America. Come on now, Kevin, get to work! But nope, nothing. I was blank! And clearly, this all wasn’t for lack of trying to be productive. I wasn’t wasting time poking around the internet looking up reaction videos of people not being able to get tickets to Taylor Swifts Eras tour (if you haven’t seen these videos, do yourself a favor and do a YouTube search. It’ll be well worth your time). I, like every morning, opened up my database of leads to make contact with; I was ready to write a blog post for my website, and mass emails were exceptionally prepared and ready to go out. Everything is as usual! But nope, not today. I looked at my watch; before I knew it, it was 8:30 am, and I hadn’t done anything of quality. Something was off. By 9:00 am and realizing that I had been there for 3 hours, I told myself it was time to bounce. Rather than beat myself up for being lazy, I headed home and used my time in other ways. I sat at home and thought about what I could do for the day; how could I be productive?

And there it was! Productivity! It was a day where productivity was nowhere to be found. Today was a day to stop working and just be!

Typically I would have brought the little man to daycare after Starbucks; however, since he had an appointment later in the day, it didn’t make sense to drive to the daycare, drop him off for a few hours, pick him up, go to the appointment, and back to daycare afterward. Therefore, he kicked it with me all day, which was fine because I always love a good excuse to have him home all day. That said, I am learning that having him in daycare is good. It allows him to socialize with other kids who keep him preoccupied, and I can focus on my work throughout the day with zero distractions. All of which is far more challenging when he is home during the day. But because he had this appointment and I was already down a rabbit hole of non-productivity, I decided that rather than beating myself up in anxiety and feeling like I was a failure, I would reframe the day, and that’s what I did.

Let’s chat about that feeling of anxiety a bit, though. Have you ever had those days where you feel you need to accomplish a complete sticky note of tasks for the day? And if you do not, you are not matching society’s expectations of what it means to be a positive contribution to society. I sure have! That’s how I ended up feeling after visiting Starbucks on Thursday. I compared myself to my brothers, who are all very hard-working, successful guys, to my other friends who have perfect A1 credit, and in general, people who seem to have it all figured out. Now, I know that no one has it all figured out. And those who think they do have more work than the rest of us ahead of them to step into the world of reality. So when I closed my computer and decided it was time to go home, I felt solidly content when making and honoring that decision. For someone who has OCD, that is a win in itself.

When I got home, I thought it would be the perfect day to go to the park with my son. The California weather was starting to lessen slightly, and this, with him under a tree in the grass, was indeed what my soul needed that day. I realized I needed a break. And I took one.

Once we got home, I gathered everything we needed for a relaxing park adventure that would spill into us, heading to his appointment afterward. I’d need to make sure we had everything needed for the park, a boppy to lay my head on (if you haven’t used a boppy for a head pillow or for between your legs when you sleep, try and thank me later), change of clothes for him, formula and pureed food because we are doing that now, and a host of other things. Everything gets thrown into the car, and off we go. Many people were at the park, but I liked it that way. Kids riding razor scooters down small hills screaming, so many children with their nannies at the jungle gym running to their heart’s content, and a few like myself, pushing their baby around that is too tiny for actively playing on anything. Many people also run and walk the large track that outlines three massive baseball fields.

I’d soon find the perfect spot under the trees, out of the wet patches that still hadn’t dried from the city’s sprinkler system from the night before. Reaching into the stroller’s base, I grabbed and laid out a burnt purple colored duvét that I hadn’t used in years. I had a nice park blanket perfect for things like this; however, I let someone borrow it and decided to let her keep it. Sometimes I regret that decision, but then again, it does give me a reason to go shopping at Target, so there’s that. Finally, plopped down and settled in, I did a diaper change and mixed another bottle, and before I knew it, the two of us were cuddled up, relaxing in the perfect weather on what had been turning out to be the ideal turn of events for the day.

What would have taken me no more than 10 minutes to get to this point before having children was 30 minutes after having children. But what matters is we are here.

We. It’s beautiful to get to write “We.” It’s not just Kevin — before children. It’s Kevin and his son. Kevin, the dad. Boy and his daddy.

As we were lying there, I realized God wanted this for us today. He didn’t want my baby boy in daycare. He didn’t want me working endlessly today; he wanted us both there, just being together on that patch of grass.

It wasn’t easy, though. I struggled to get out of my thoughts even after settling in. Was I working hard enough? Was I being lazy? How would people look or think about me if they knew I wasn’t working then? Is this one day of not working going to collapse my career? Are there harder working Realtors out there being far more productive than I am?

Am I good enough?

I am learning over the years as I get closer to God and grow as a parent that none of that is my job to figure out. My job is to take life moment by moment and do my best in every day I have. Yes, I will continue to work hard and keep reaching for the goals I set for myself and my son’s future, but I am not beholden to any of them. I know that my fate is sealed in the hands of God, and nothing I do or attempt to do can or will change any of that. No matter how much stress I put on myself, it doesn’t change the outcome. So, yes, I will, when prompted, take a beat. I will rest under the trees with my son in my arms as long as I feel the call. And you should too.

A few days later, nothing broke. When I think back on it, the following day, I made contact with more clients than I had in a while. I helped someone navigate a complex real estate transaction as they were going through a difficult divorce, and overall, the world did not come burning down because Kevin took one day off.

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My little sidekick, you’re the best part of my world. I will always enjoy lying in the grass under the trees with you. I hope you’ll always love to do the same with me.

I love you, buddy.

Daddy.

*Side note, this is my story. Not my sons, mine. No details about him will be shared. Just me being a father.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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