After dating a handful of guys, I’ve found that most of them prefer to pay on the first date. They don’t just expect to pay but assume that the woman won’t. As a rule of thumb, I always pay for things on the first date when the guy has already paid for something else. If he picks up the bill for drinks, I will pay for dessert. It’s just a way of communicating that I know money is hard-earned. Having a guy pay on the first date also implies something transactional — either sex or unjustified enamourment from the woman. And those things are worth much more than a meal or cocktail.
Every time I pay on the first date, though, I see an expression on my date’s face that is a mixture of joyous surprise and unintentional bewilderment. And it appears on the face of every guy I’ve dated. Imagine a copy-paste of the same expression atop an assembly line of men aged 18–35 from various races. Safe to say most men love it when women pay on the first date but rarely encounter it.
I recall chatting with another woman who was on the dating scene in which she joked about the reaching for the wallet bit. It’s called a bit because she doesn’t expect to pay — or even crazier, she rarely has her wallet with her. As an adult, I can’t imagine not going everywhere with my wallet regardless of my expectations of another person on a first date. And especially another person whom I do not know.
And while this was one conversation with one woman, this sort of behavior and expectation around dating runs rampant.
I wonder how some women are able to have such a high level of trust and reliance on the social structure of dating. How do they feel safe going on a first date with a stranger without some form of coinage in their physical possession?
And I wondered to myself after this exact reaction from guys that I went on first dates with, “Where have all the women who paid on the first dates gone?” And I think the answer is long-term relationships and marriage.
Could it be that many women in the existing dating pool don’t pay on dates because the ones who already do are in committed relationships with mutual respect? In relationships with guys who value and respect women who do pay on first dates? It speaks volumes about an individual’s financial stability and consideration for others.
A high percentage of divorces occur as a result of disagreements in approach to finances. Could this first financial interaction between a potential couple foreshadow the reason? Men used to be expected to put food on the table in a nuclear family, but that’s not the case anymore. If women are earning as much as or more than men, should women then split finances or contributions towards dates in the same ratio?
Beyond the financial implications, this simple act of paying on the first date can show how considerate someone is of emotional and mental needs from their partner and in a relationship. It also shows that she is not afraid of breaking out of social expectations of the guy paying for the first date.
I had a friend who complained to me about his long-term girlfriend breaking off the relationship with him, but the only thing he seemed to be angry about was how he paid for dates, the gas money he used to pick her up and drop her off, and trips that he fully paid for. It made me question how strong their relationship was if just one aspect (i.e. money) was so one-sided. His bitterness towards money spent still seemed independent from his feelings for her and he was missing the bigger picture that she may have been neglecting his needs in the relationship to push the financial slack on him throughout the relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Julian Myles on Unsplash
