Are You Dating a Slot Machine?

I’m not dating a slot machine anymore. And, if I’m honest, there are moments in my relationship that feel “dull”. I mean that in the most complimentary way. How is dull a compliment? I hear you cry. Because it’s not spikey or sharp, it’s safe. Meaning I feel accepted in being 100% myself, warts and all. My current relationship pays out consistently or rather she loves me without me having to earn it. Which, I have to say, takes some getting used to and I still have moments where I simply don’t feel it. I’m unlearning that conditioning though and with each step, our love is deepening.

I have done a fair amount of being a slot machine in the past myself. I wasn’t doing it intentionally and I like to assume most people don’t mean to give love inconsistently either. If you are consciously doing it, I ask, why? No judgement but, speaking from experience, there’s likely something under the surface there.

I’ve been burned in a few relationships, one in my early twenties and two in my late thirties. I fell in love and had my heart smashed into pieces in the latter ones and, like it does to everyone, the process created emotional scars. On later dating occasions when someone was getting close to me, because the energy of my emotions (energy-in-motion) couldn’t flow where it wanted to due to the scars, I’d feel anxious or numb (both are signs of being triggered) and then I’d think, it’s obviously them, not me. So, I’d end things or say, “I’m not looking for anything serious” to create emotional distance.

Nb. Yes, it’s important to set boundaries and act with integrity BUT what we deem as doing the right thing, may be a form of control to prevent people getting close to us. The reason may well be we just simply aren’t emotionally ready to get into anything “serious”, yet. Genuine healing takes time and space.

So, once I got to enough emotional distance my nervous system would regulate and I’d feel safe again, in turn, my desire for them would return. I’d then get in touch, essentially pay out some love, and the cycle would repeat at random. It’s the randomness that is so damn addictive to humans. Slot machines, Instagram, advertising, etc are all aware of this and use it to manipulate us. They do it knowingly though.

It wasn’t until I noticed a pattern that I woke up to my behaviour. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I simply wasn’t aware I was behaving like a slot machine nor did I realise I had quite the love gambling addiction myself. Inconsistent, chaotic, creative women are like cat nip to me but now, thankfully, I can see when I’m choosing, yes choosing, to be (accidentally) manipulated. To the point where, even though I still find it attractive, I also find it a turn-off — and definitely not the direction to go in — because I know that the jackpot lies in the deep intimacy of the consistency and safety of giving and receiving love without it feeling like a gamble.

As always, thanks for reading,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

PRACTICE: The question, “Do I want to do (or not do) this thing because it makes me feel good, full stop? Or do I want to do (or not do) this thing because it makes me feel safe, which in turn makes me feel good?

WHY: When it comes to dating, not saying how we are really feeling is often because we are scared of a person leaving so we avoid it which keeps them close, in turn, it feels good (for a while). Eventually though, because we’ve suppressed how we feel the energy of our emotions either comes out in an inappropriate outburst or we start behaving weirdly. Another name for this is self-sabotage.

HOW TO START: Make a vow to yourself that you’re worthy of, constructively, expressing yourself whenever you feel to. If people leave because you do, it’s a blessing because you’ve found out earlier rather than later that they’re not ready to talk about how they’re feeling. It’s hard initially but gets waaay easier.

Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach specialising in Vulnerability and Authenticity in Relationships and the founder of Plight Club clothing. His mission is to redefine vulnerability (as it’s the catalyst to our freedom). For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.

Living consciously and by choice instead of by habit is amazing but it takes practise. Adam will save you a lot of time and support you through the insecurity of change. If you’re curious about this work, book a free discovery call and he’ll answer any questions you may have…

BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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