You can’t choose your parents, your siblings, or your children. The only relationship you have any control over is that of your spouse/ life partner.
You can make conscious decisions to make sure you don’t end up with someone you’re going to hate spending time with. And sure, divorce is always an option, but you can’t get the time and energy you spent on that person back. And divorce is costly.
You can’t check everything in a person, but you can check something. No matter what people say, love is not totally blind, and neither it should be.
Your choice of partner should be a well-thought-out decision because the person you marry and the relationship you have will affect a lot of people, not just you two.
So, if you see these 8 things in your to-be partner, maybe it’s time to rethink your decision:
#1. The Unengaged Partner
I can talk to my husband for hours. That’s the reason our sleep schedule is not great because every night there’s so much to talk about.
At the beginning of our marriage, we thought that things would change once we got used to living together. We were in a relationship for over 8 years before we got married, so maybe it’s the switch from texting and video calls to face-to-face conversations that we can’t get enough of.
But even after 2 years, we still have a lot to talk about every single day.
I thought that happens to everyone, but it doesn’t. I have talked to a lot of people about that.
For couples who do talk a lot, it’s not that both partners are talkative. There’s always a person who talks more than the other one, but if I had been the only one to carry the conversation forward, we wouldn’t have conversations at all.
So, if you find yourself with someone who zones out every time you start talking about things you love, do you really want to be with that person?
They don’t have to find the topic as interesting as you do, but they have to value the fact that you’re invested in this.
Emotions need to be reciprocated. If you are excited about something and the person you’re with meets you with a mild or dismissive reaction, it will affect your mood and your life.
So, choose wisely.
#2. The Dismissive Partner
Everyone has opinions about everything and the opinion of your partner may not align with yours every single time, but they still need to respect your opinion.
They can try to change it. But until they can’t, they have no right to just invalidate your opinions and your feelings.
If you find yourself with someone who constantly belittles your feelings and makes you doubt your own mind, maybe it’s time to think hard about such a relationship because these relationships will change you.
If you stay for too long, when you finally leave, you’ll find yourself unrecognizable. And that will be too hard to get over.
#3. The Defensive Partner
I’ve made tons of mistakes during my 10-year relationship and so does my husband. In fact, small things happen every other day and most of these are not something we dwell upon.
Someone said something, did something, forgot to tell something it’s fine. As long as it was not intentional and you take care in the future.
But what’s not okay is when you intentionally repeat the same mistake over and over again and refuse to change. And to make matters worse, if your partner gets defensive every time instead of listening to your concerns, it gets too much with time.
In 10 to 20 years, there’ll be nothing but resentment toward each other and it hurts. I learned long ago that communication is key to a successful relationship, but it’s never just communication. You can communicate all you want, but if the other person refuses to see your side, there is no point in wasting your effort and energy.
#4. The Body-Shaming Partner
There’s a difference between motivation and criticism.
You should be with someone who motivates you to be active and follow a healthy lifestyle, but you should stay away from someone who keeps finding fault in your body because someday it will become too much.
Some people are never satisfied. It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, or how much you stay active and take care of yourself, they will point out something that you have no control over and this will create body insecurities that are hard to fight in the long run.
So, if you don’t want that in your life, stay clear of such people.
#5. The Disrespectful Partner
I worked so hard, but she got promoted just because she’s a woman.
She does nothing around the office but still gets special treatment.
You should have seen her clothes.
And so on. These are a few statements I’ve heard from men around me.
Sure, there are people in every position, men and women, who abuse their power. But statistically, women are more likely to be harassed in workplaces. Although, it depends on what type of profession you’re in and the place you live.
And it’s not just the woman your partner works with. If a man does not treat her mother or sister with respect, that’s a huge red flag. But if a guy has nothing good to say about any woman except her mother and sisters, it’s also a huge red flag.
Because they’ll treat you how they treat all other women in their lives. No one can change overnight or even in years.
#6. The Ungracious Competitor
No one likes a sour loser.
Sure, everyone is sad when they lose a competition. Humans are by nature very competitive and they want to win.
But if your guy can’t handle that failure, stay away. Because they’ll not take it lightly if you win over him. They’ll not understand that in a relationship, there are no winners and losers. For them, everything is a fight and they’ll not let you have the upper hand in an argument.
Also, with time, their resentment towards the world can increase and they’ll take it all out on you or your family (kids).
#7. The Unsupportive Partner
In India, most women live with their in-laws, so it’s crucial that you have a partner who’s ready to take a stand for you when you need it.
But even if you don’t live with your in-laws, you’ll need support. You need someone who has your back all the time. Someone who’s ready to fight for you (not essentially hand-to-hand combat, but who will take your stand).
Because if he doesn’t, you’re alone and it’ll not be an easy ride. Especially after marriage, the husband is the only one you can look towards in the time of need and if he leaves your side, it’s you vs everyone.
#8. The Financially Irresponsible Partner
If you plan on having kids, you have to know that it means taking a step back from your career. Because it happens. Your kids will need you and one of the partners has to take a step back and take care of them and, in most cases, it’s women.
Now, if you marry someone who has expensive hobbies or who just keeps buying expensive things, he can’t afford. Your finances will never be stable and it is a great mental load for you in the future.
When kids are in the picture, things become worse.
And even if you don’t want kids ever, you’ll have to take a load of financial responsibilities while your partner refuses to stop or manage his finances.
Don’t put yourself in such a situation.
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#9. The Indecisive Partner
One of my friend’s husband never took a stand for her. When her mother forced my friend to have a baby 2 months into the marriage, he said nothing.
So, they had a baby and everything. Now, his mother is dead, and he never misses a chance to point out how amazing it would have been if they’d had kids later.
And it’s so infuriating.
He wanted someone to take care of her mother. And now that the mother is no longer in the picture, he wants someone who can support him financially, and with 7 years of break in career, and two little kids, it’s not exactly easy to start earning again.
He is never sure about what he wants. He wants to go with the flow.
But what does that mean for the woman?
It means that his priorities are not straight. He is living from paycheck to paycheck, from one day to the next, just doing what he feels is best for him.
Don’t fall for that.
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Finally
Don’t let yourself get stuck in such a situation. If you have a chance to choose your partner, choose someone who’s by your side, who respects your decision, who loves you, and for whom you’re a priority.
Society will tell you to settle down, start a family, and so on, but if you have to choose, would you rather be single and happy or married and sad?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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