I saw a meme today featuring the reigning queen of country music, who has crossed the invisible border into rock music with the release of her latest album, Rockstar. She figured that if she was going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, she needed to earn that title. On Thanksgiving Day, she took to the stage at halftime for the Dallas Cowboys-Washington Commanders game. It was easy to see where her loyalties are as she was decked out in a modified Dallas Cowboys cheerleader outfit. “Jolene,” “9 to 5.” and a cover of Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” rocked the stadium.
This woman who grew up in a large family that was impoverished, but rich in love, now shares her wealth. Literacy is an important issue for her, as her father never learned to read or write, so she donated 200 million books to fill the Imagination Library for children. In the meme, Dolly Parton is quoted as saying, “I never quite understood why we have to let religion and politics and things like that stand in the way of just being good human beings.” My response to it, after clapping was this,” Bless you, Dolly. Good human beings don’t make choices that deliberately do harm to others. For me, it isn’t religion or politics and whatever label people put on their actions, but it is about values.”
I shake my head when folks avoid these two ‘taboo’ subjects. They are an integral part of the day to day of this human existence. The trick is to discuss them without name calling those whose beliefs differ from yours. There are so many conversation landmines to navigate around. I remember my father advising when I was a kid, “To each, his or her own,” to indicate that everyone has a right to their opinion. All these years later, I have come to understand that opinions are valid if they are about trivial things such as which is the best pie or flavor of ice cream or which beach is the most beautiful, not whether basic human rights are inviolate regardless of gender, skin color, country of origin, ability or religion. I have been accused of virtue signaling when I share these thoughts. There are folks who would shake their heads at what they perceive as my naivete that puts me on the other side of the aisle. Just like I can’t imagine embracing fascism, some might say that they can’t imagine accepting liberal beliefs, even if they would ultimately benefit them.
I had a parking lot encounter with a woman over the summer when I was putting groceries in my car and she slowly drove past, pointing out the window, shouting, “F-ing Liberals, I hate F-ing Liberals,” after spying my hippie bumper stickers. Stunned, I recovered quickly and volleyed back, “I love you!” and blew her a kiss. Admittedly, I give the one finger salute at MAGA hats and shirts and bumper stickers I pass along the way, but I don’t shout at those wearing them or bearing them on their cars. Given the chance and a safe environment, I would like to engage in conversation to understand what is under the surface of their beliefs, in part, to put their words and actions into perspective and in part, in an attempt to change them. We are either immersed in love and acceptance or hatred and bigotry in our family homes and it can take a while to turn the latter into the former as we mature.
Someone need only be a moment into conversation with me to know where I stand. Descriptors include: Progressive, way left of center, tree hugging, crunchy granola hippie, social worker, somewhat like The Lorax who speaks for the trees, outspoken advocate for those who are abuse and trauma survivors, peace and social justice activist, journalist. I don’t hit, hurt or take what isn’t mine. I do take my own inventory every day, per my recovery program (Co-dependence and workaholism), to determine my motivation for what I say and do. By my standards, it does put me in the ‘good person’ category.
Another piece of transparency here; when people intentionally cause harm for their own glorification, aggrandizement, to take advantage, dehumanize, out of entitlement, to control, to express anger, to punish, I judge them…not a good person. I have also struggled with the idea that there are no ‘bad people,’ just bad attitudes and actions. How do we tease them apart and untangle the threads?
I saw another Facebook post that read, “People aren’t trying to hurt you, they’re sleepwalking through their own pain. You just happen to be standing there.” I responded, “I respectfully disagree. There are people who deliberately, with intent, without remorse, hurt others. As a therapist, I have seen the best and worst of humanity.”
Yes, I understand that there are a lot of wounded people out there, who act unconsciously and impulsively because of ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences). I have people in my life who are survivors of abuse who have become thrivers who help others in the face of their own experiences. The saying, “Hurt people hurt people,” is part of the vernacular. I add, “They don’t need to.” Healed people help people. If someone is indeed a survivor of abuse and trauma, I encourage them to break the cycle. We carefully do emotional surgery. If they were raised to hate and fear those who are different, those moral wounds might take time to heal. I consider that beliefs, values, habits, especially those indoctrinated and ingrained in childhood are challenging to dismantle. A therapist I know, passes on the knowledge that we don’t have issues, we have injuries. Wounds can heal. World views can change.
Listen to Dolly who in the Jewish tradition, would be considered a tzaddik, a righteous person.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
