Love Actually is the Russell Brand of rom-coms: a once-beloved British export that’s grown toxic with time.
As a dating coach for men in the #MeToo Era, I’ve used Love Actually to teach my clients what not to do when looking for romance. No over-the-top gestures. No fat-shaming. No being the British prime minister and demoting your assistant because she’s distractingly hot.
While it remains a Christmas classic, much of the dating-related behavior has aged like warm eggnog. On the movie’s 20th anniversary, here’s my ranking of every couple in the film, from least toxic to pure arsenic.
John and Judy
The film’s least toxic pairing is also the least clothed. There’s a lot of office romancing in Love Actually. But back in 2003 more couples met at work—even if work was a softcore-porn shoot.
As John and Judy, Martin Freeman and Joanna Page are delightful. I love how slowly and shyly they move toward love, from small talk to innocent flirting to a chaste kiss at her doorstep. A true gentleman, John not only gets Judy’s consent before assuming their simulated-sex positions—he warms his cold hands before placing them on her breasts.
Respecting women is sexy, actually.
Billy Mack and Joe
Isn’t it bromantic? Long before Brene Brown led the vulnerability movement, Bill Nighy’s burnt-out rocker, Billy Mack, was sheepishly telling his longtime manager: “It might be that the people I love is, in fact, you.”
In a movie rife with grand gestures directed at near-strangers, Mack’s subdued, sweet confession feels real and earned. He loses points for body-shaming (“Chubs,” “my fat manager”), but Joe knows that Billy’s gotta be Billy.
Sam and Joanna
Daniel (Liam Neeson) is a widower helping his lovesick stepson Sam (Thomas Brodie-Sangster) impress his crush Joanna (Olivia Olson). As a wingman, Daniel has great intentions but flawed execution. “Tell her that you love her,” he tells Sam, even though the two kids have barely spoken. (“Joanna” is also Daniel’s dead wife’s name. So… that’s not weird.)
As for Sam’s iconic airport sprint to “get the shit kicked out of us by love,” do NOT try this at home. If you bolt through a metal detector, you’ll only get the shit kicked out of you by security.
The prime minister and Natalie
Seriously, Mr. Prime Minister? You look like Hugh Grant and you can’t scrounge up a date beyond your household staff?
There’s a lot wrong here, not least of which is the fat-shaming directed at Natalie (Martine McCutcheon), and the PM re-assigning her because she’s just too pretty for him to focus on work. And the Bill-and-Monica vibes here aren’t great.
But at least Hugh’s PM is single, and bright, opinionated Natalie is very confident in her feelings for him.
Jamie and Aurelia
Huh-boy. Another male employer macking on his paid underling. (It’s one of three work-place romances that involve power imbalances.) And Cupid’s arrow only strikes Jamie (Colin Firth) when Aurelia (Lucia Moniz) strips down to her skivvies at the lake. (More like Lust Actually…)
They do make a cute couple, but Jamie surprising her at her restaurant to propose marriage with her whole family in tow is crazy-bananas. “I know I seems like an insane person because I hardly knows you,” Jamie says in pigeon Portuguese. That about covers it.
In real life, a grand gesture like this doesn’t lead to marriage. It leads to a restraining order.
Karl and Sarah
Karl is under-the-radar awful, a pretty f*ck boy hiding behind Warby Parkers. He and Sarah (national treasure Laura Linney) are about to hook up when her phone rings. It’s her troubled, unstable brother. What selfish, sex-focused Karl says: “Maybe don’t answer it.” What he should have said: “Can I drive you to go see him?”
He knows Laura’s in love with him, but Karl just wants to get laid. Karl is the worst.
Poor Sarah. Others get the love, she gets the actually.
Colin and the American girls
London cater waiter Colin (Kris Marshall) is unlucky in love. Could his dating woes stem from his vulgar come-ons at work (“Try my lovely nuts”), his narcissism (“I am Colin, God of sex”), or his lack of self-awareness? Nah. It’s the those “stuck up” British women.
He jets off to Milwaukee, where Colin picks up a trio of American beauties who, enthralled with his accent, take him home for a ménage-a-quatre.
This story is such a missed opportunity. Instead of Colin learning that there’s more to love than sex or physical beauty, writer-director Richard Curtis gives us a cinematic version of a Penthouse Forum letter.
Mark and Juliet
Meet Mark (Andrew Lincoln), who mistakes his looks-based obsession for Juliet (Keira Knightly) with true affection. (A recurring theme in the film: If she’s hot, it’s love!)
But he’s more than a creepy videographer. He’s a terrible friend to Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor). By appearing at the couple’s door, cue-cards in hand, Mark risks wrecking both his friendship with Peter as well as the newlywed’s relationship. It’s a selfish act of unburdening himself.
Does Juliet tell her stalker to eff off? Nope. She kisses him, cheating on her new husband. Just married and already straying. Yay!
Harry and Karen (and Mia)
It’s a testament to Alan Rickman’s innate likability that Harry isn’t more hated, but his design director is the movie’s most toxic person.
How bad is Harry? Let me count the ways.
Harry cheats on his wife Karen (the incredible Emma Thompson) with his assistant Mia, pulling off the infidelity/sexual harassment two-fer. (Worse, Curtis makes Mia a one-dimensional, leg-spreading, sex-seeking missile, wasting the wonderful Heike Makatsch.)
At work, he coerces his designer Sarah to pursue Karl (“…marry him and have lots of sex and babies”), in a scene that could double as an HR department’s sexual harassment training video.
He gives Mia a diamond necklace for Christmas, and gives his wife… a CD!
He apologizes to Karen for cheating only because he gets caught.
He dislikes Joni Mitchell. (Monster!)
Bad husband. Bad boss. Bad gift-giver. Bad taste in music.
Forget Severus Snape. This Alan Rickman creation is the true wizard of dark arts.
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Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men (“the real-life Hitch,” wrote the New York Post), the founder of DatingTransformation.com, and the author of Dating Sucks but You Don’t.
Check out Connell’s website for more information.
