When I was in highschool, I started writing a list of qualities my someday partner would embody. I wrote it as small as I could and folded that paper and kept it in my wallet. Over the years, as I dated and had relationship experiences, I added to that list: qualities I knew I needed but which had been lacking in my recent relationship, or the features that had drawn me toward that man in the first place. By the time I met my ex-husband, the list was 73 items long, but many were superficial and not necessary.
Around this time, I started compiling photos and floor plans of how my someday dream house would look. I made a spreadsheet (yes, I’m a giant nerd) of must-haves, would-likes, and definitely do not wants. I narrowed that list of must-haves down to 7 key features that I would not want to live without if I were to build or find my forever home (hello large kitchen and ample counter space!), and I realized that this approach could work in dating too.
Finding your ideal partner involves more than just shared interests or aligned physical attraction, though those are nice beginnings to connect us and make us curious. But people can pretend to be interested in activities for the sake of appearing laid back or adventurous, and without a deeper connection, physical attraction can wane.
After my divorce, I spent years of reflection picking apart what went wrong, where it went wrong, and how my ex and I each contributed to the slow end. And then I started thinking about what I might want in an equal and uplifting partnership with someone new and I discovered a transformative dating exercise that led me to my love. Today, I share my insights on the essential qualities that became my relationship must-haves — a personalized love blueprint that guided me to a fulfilling and lasting connection.
Just as the layout for a Modern Barn house will utilize different building materials and finishes, and allocate open space differently than the plans for a French Country style house, your blueprint may look radically different from mine. Having those rough sketches of what you need in a fulfilling partnership will help you pass on anything too radically different.
Here’s what I needed:
Loves with Equal Energy and Velocity
One of the fundamental pillars of a successful relationship, for me, is a partner who matches my level of energy and commitment. It goes beyond mere reciprocity; it’s about finding someone who loves with the same intensity and passion, creating a harmonious balance that sustains the relationship. This alignment ensures that we both contribute equally to the emotional investment, fostering a connection that grows stronger with time.
How I Love, Returned
True compatibility lies in your partner’s ability to appreciate and reciprocate the unique way you express love. Whether through acts of kindness, words of affirmation, or quality time together, finding someone who not only understands but cherishes your love language is pivotal. It’s about building a connection where your efforts are valued and mirrored, creating a relationship that feels effortless and genuine. While I want and need all the love languages, I especially prioritize physical touch. I adore arm tickles, and a kiss on the top of the head while I am working on the computer, and my love passes by. I adore snuggling with his arms around me. My ex was not physically affectionate with me, and that physical distance begat emotional distance. I knew if I ever decided to find another partner this would be a high priorty.
Words Aligned with Consistent Actions
Trust, the cornerstone of any successful relationship, is built on the alignment of words and actions. For me, a partner who consistently follows through on their promises and commitments is invaluable. It’s the assurance that I can rely on them, knowing that their honesty and integrity are unwavering. This alignment establishes a foundation of trust, allowing the relationship to flourish organically. My partner is consistent about following through on his word (though not always on my timeline. Ha!) Each time I see this alignment of words and actions, it reinforces my faith in him and us.
Financial Stability
While love may conquer all, a stable financial foundation is crucial for the well-being of a partnership. A partner who can take care of themselves demonstrates responsibility and independence, ensuring that the relationship is built on mutual support rather than financial strain. This stability paves the way for shared goals, dreams, and a future that both partners can actively contribute to and enjoy. There were multiple times in my ex-marriage when my Wasband spontaneously quit his job, without giving me a heads up, and leaving me to shoulder the financial burden (sometimes for years at a stretch). The fact that he quit wasn’t what bothered me so much as the idea that I didn’t register at all in his decision-making. After the marriage ended, I knew I needed a partner who would consider me in his decisions.
Emotional Availability
In a world bustling with distractions, finding someone emotionally available can be a game-changer. Emotional availability goes beyond just being present physically; it’s about having the bandwidth and sincere desire to connect on a deep, emotional level. A partner who communicates calmly and rationally contributes to a relationship where feelings are shared openly, creating a safe space for vulnerability and growth.
Interest in Personal Growth
Life is a journey of constant evolution, and a compatible partner is someone also invested in personal growth. This mutual commitment to self-improvement ensures that we both encourage and inspire each other. Shared values and a dedication to personal development lay the groundwork for a relationship that thrives on continuous learning and positive transformation. I’ve also found that people who are interested in their own personal growth allow space for me to grow, don’t hold my past mistakes (or other’s past mistakes) against me, and are more curious about the world around them. They are less set in their ways and more open to exploration, which makes life exciting.
Similar Sense of Humor
A satisfying romantic connection involves alignment not only in emotional aspects but also in intimate and humorous moments. Finding a partner who shares my sense of humor creates an environment where laughter becomes a constant companion, lightening the inevitable challenges that life may throw our way. My love cracks me up daily, and we often blurt out the same thing at the same time, which just causes us to giggle even more. Last summer on a camping trip, we were driving through windy roads in a national forest and there was a sign that said “Caution: Soft Shoulder” and we simultaneously reached over to squeeze the other’s shoulder to see just how soft it was. Corny but hilarious to us.
My journey has been full of twists and turns but it led me to these seven must-haves that became the pillars of my love blueprint, and ultimately led me to my love. As you embark on your own quest for love, consider what essential qualities you need as a guide to building a relationship that goes beyond the surface. After all, true love is not found; it’s cultivated through shared values, mutual respect, and a commitment to growth, making the journey as rewarding as the destination.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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