Remembering Him on His Birthday — Some Memories Are Harder to Forget

Is love stupid or are lovers?

I remember everyone’s birthdays. Today is his birthday. He’s 49 now. Five years younger.

When we first met, Dan was 27 and I was 32. It was a long time ago.

I always wondered what happened to him.

With nothing else to do during the pandemic. I said to myself, “What’s there to lose, go find him?”

It took a lot of sleuthing. First, I checked if he was on Facebook. He wasn’t.

Knowing Dan, if he were on social media, it would be for work. He wasn’t too fond of sharing his private life even when I first met him. I wasn’t active on LinkedIn but when I typed in his name, there he was.

But before I could send him a message, I had to ask for a friend request. It took a day before I got the message that Dan accepted.

There were a lot of things I wanted to say or ask. But I kept it short and only asked how life had been in the last twenty years.

He politely replied. It was short. It was goodbye.

And it was over, as it was twenty years ago.

As one gets older, some memories become like a second skin. Time has a funny way of bringing you back to moments you can either relish or beat yourself up for what you said or did.

But the only thing left for you to do today is forgive yourself.

My last memory of us together was watching a movie, a fitting ending, as with every movie, there’s — The End.

But for me, the ending didn’t happen until I found someone else to love.

And when that too didn’t have a happy ending, it took me years to forget until a new love came along.

If only I had known when I was younger what I know now, I would have grieved a lost love, nursed a hurting heart, and waited until love found me.

Love always does.

We wouldn’t have met if not for that dinner party.

I was there to talk to some potential investors. It was in 2000, everyone was scrambling to get their startup idea off the ground. There was a frenzy to get in early, fast, and burn.

Soon the dotcom bubble burst, and my startup idea never got off the ground.

All that was left from that evening was an invitation to have coffee after dinner, and it was from Dan.

I remember him that night; he arrived late. He was apologetic, and how could you not notice his big smile? Or was it only me who was smitten by his presence?

I would never start a conversation with anyone until I was spoken to, that’s how introverted I was.

But Dan spoke to me, and after the dinner, he asked me to join him for coffee. I would always count that as our first date.

I should have said no and gone home.

What followed next were years of indescribable pain and life put on hold until I regained enough strength to start all over.

With my startup idea gone bust, my sister and I opened an Internet café. As soon as that was set up, Dan was a regular fixture, turning it into his office.

He too had big ideas, and the only thing I could offer him then was a space to get started and hot meals. As with everyone I loved, I served him while I put my dreams on the back burner.

The feelings started to grow.

At 32, I was still very much in the closet. I thought he was too.

My feelings for Dan paused when I met his friend who later became my boyfriend.

Dan was the one who introduced me to Drey. Like me, he was in the closet.

It was a short-lived romance. We didn’t tell Dan about it. Later on, I even entertained the idea that Drey and Dan were lovers too.

When you’re hurt, you get all sorts of wild ideas in your head.

One day, Dan was gone.

Pearl Harbor

After months of being gone, Dan showed up.

Me being me, I didn’t ask any questions nor did I tell him a secret I had harbored for a long time.

“I love you.”

I could have said it, but didn’t. I was too afraid.

He asked me if I would like to watch a movie. I told him Pearl Harbor was showing. He smiled, the last time I would see him do that. He had the biggest smile.

He knew right away, why I wanted to see that movie. Not only I was a big
Josh Hartnett fan, it was more that I had a big crush on him.

But I left that part out for Dan.

Dan’s birthday falls on Pearl Harbor Day. A day in American history, that will always be remembered for the surprise attack by the Japanese forces on American soil.

It won’t happen again until September 11, 2001.

There we were in the movie theater, like old times.

It was what Dan and I used to do — watch movies, eat, and go to church together.

It was what couples do. But we were not a couple, and soon we were not even friends.

I remember it was the matinée. We went to our favorite cinema. There weren’t a lot of people inside.

We bought a bag of popcorn and two sodas. We always shared the popcorn.

I hardly enjoyed the movie; my mind was locked elsewhere.

Where had Dan been all this time? Why did he suddenly disappear and why is he back now?

Occasionally our fingers touched, as they always did when we both reached into the popcorn bag.

And it would always be followed by Dan smiling; even in the dark theater, his smile illuminated everything.

I would always be the first to pull my hands away, never wanting him to know that his touch had power over me.

But this time, it was different.

He took my hand off the popcorn and held it.

He didn’t smile; he looked at me.

And it stayed that way until the movie ended.

Goodbye

We used to eat after the movie, but we never shared our last meal.

After the movie, he said he had to leave but would be back soon.

I was left standing as he hailed a taxi, and as he opened the door, he waved and gave me a smile.

It would be the last time I would see Dan or his smile.

Just like in the movies, The End means .. the end.

Thank you for reading.

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This psot was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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