It seems, among other things, that coffee has the power to bring on deep philosophical contemplation. There is just something about the warm elixir that always seems to get the brain firing on all synapses. After all, creative people through the ages have seen it as an essential part of their creative process.
All this must be true because after a couple of sips of our mochas, lattes, and cold brews with the aroma filling our nostrils one question (deep and contemplative as it was) took center stage: “Who do you think is a cheater’s best friend?”
To my mind, I must tell you, who immediately came to mind were the usual suspects:
a. the enabler who helps him/her cover their tracks;
b. the affair partner who is, of course, a willing accomplice; or even
c. the partner who decides to be willfully oblivious.
However, three different perspectives began to form as we settled into our regular ritual of deep conversations. These unique angles sparked a lively and enlightening caffeine-fueled discussion and I will do my best to summarize what I have come to regard as the “three schools of thought” on the subject:
1. First School:
The first thinks it is all this technology that is, undoubtedly, a cheater’s best friend. Samantha declares that those discreet communication apps and online dating sites are just some of the “advancements” that are making the despicable behavior easier than ever before to pull off. Additionally, they are empowering, silent, and loyal accomplices who are always ready to assist the cheaters in their deceptive endeavors.
2. Second School:
Across the table, David was not so sure. After listening to Samantha and swirling his coffee thoughtfully, he agrees to some extent but is emphatic that the title actually goes to what he terms, our shifting societal perceptions. His thinking is that while technology may facilitate, it is not always necessary to have an affair. On the other hand, societal attitudes towards cheating serve as the cheater’s best friend by creating a lenient environment where that deceptive behavior is somewhat tolerated and allowed to flourish.
“His thinking is that while technology may facilitate, it is not always necessary to have an affair.”
So according to him, as we now live in societies where the behavior has become so normalized with little consequences, it provides a comforting shield for those inclined to just carry on.
3. Third School:
My buddy since forever, Alex, an infidelity survivor and the leader of the third school of thought, believes the honor goes to the cheater’s own mind. To him, psychology plays a vital role here. It is those cognitive biases that justify their acts to them that give rise to the psychological rationalizations that are the cheater’s best friend. And without those convincing narratives in their minds justifying their actions, cheaters will probably struggle to reconcile their behavior with a moral compass. Not to mention the internal turmoil brought on by guilt.
“Alex, the leader of third school of thought believes the honor goes to the cheater’s own mind.”
The conversation winds down as we savor the last drops of coffee. I came away with the realization that each of the perspectives offers insights into the question at hand. What is clear also is that my initial thoughts on a cheater’s best friend might need reconsideration. Of course, the enabler, the affair partner, and the willfully oblivious partner all play their roles, but perhaps the workings of the cheater’s own mind is the ultimate enabler. For without the convincing narratives, the harsh reality of their actions and the moral conflict within would have been a great deterrent.
As we parted ways, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for the enlightening discussion. It seems sometimes the deepest contemplations where you are able to view all the angles can arise from the simplest of moments, fueled by nothing more than warm cups of coffee. Unless there was something we were missing.
“Of course, the enabler, the affair partner, and the willfully oblivious partner all play their roles, but perhaps the workings of the cheater’s own mind is the ultimate enabler.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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