I Didn’t Date After Divorcing a Narcissist

I resisted dating after divorcing a diagnosed narcissist. I was good at it. I successfully avoided every man. It wasn’t a sacrifice because I had already been alone for years.

If you’ve loved a narcissist you can commiserate.

Or if your marriage has simply become lonely, you will understand.

Being on your own…

Is far better than feeling alone with someone else.

One day I was out to lunch with my high school teacher, mentor, and friend. She didn’t want me to be alone. She urged me to begin dating. She even had a plan.

But I didn’t know it.

“I told my son I thought it would be great,” she says. “If two of my favorite students ended up together.”

I know the man she’s talking about.

I laugh to myself because I also know her son. He went to the same high school. And I might have turned him down his senior year. It took her a while to forgive me for that one.

“Really?” I say.

“Yes,” she says. “Why not? You’re two of my favorites. It’s why I keep in touch with both of you after all these years. He’s handsome, successful, and he’s a good person.”

She wasn’t wrong.

I knew he was a good man.

We grew up in the same town. We used to ride the bus together. He was a year younger than me. I considered him a friend. But I hadn’t seen him in a long time.

I love and respect this woman like another mother.

But I politely decline.

“I’m not ready to date,” I say.

I think my words reach her. I think she’s given up. I’m nearing the end of my divorce. It’s a relief. I have more important things to think about.

I hug her goodbye and leave the restaurant.

My phone rings a few hours later.

You got it.

It’s him.

I can’t help but smile because I know she has to be pleased with herself. I can’t believe her sneaky little self has ignored my protests. I want to ring her proverbial neck.

“I thought we could go out,” he says.

I feel comfortable chatting with him. The years may have passed, yet time fills in quickly when you’ve grown up with someone. But I’m still in a panic. Talking is one thing, dating is another.

“I can’t tonight,” I say.

“Why?” he says.

“I’m meeting some of the girls,” I say.

“Oh,” he says. “I’ll meet you all.”

Note to self: When you turn down a date with someone you grew up with, maybe don’t say you’re going out with other people you grew up with. Of course, he would feel comfortable joining all of us.

Now I have a problem.

A handsome, great guy wants to take me out, and all I can think is how do I get out of this? It’s twisted, right? I mean, this is the stuff Hallmark movies are made of.

A woman reconnects with someone from her past.

They stumble upon each other at just the right moment. Their old high school business teacher, mentor, and friend sets them up because she thinks they’re perfect for one another.

What is wrong with me?

Did I mention he owns horses and dogs?

Two of my favorite things in the entire world.

There’s definitely something wrong with me.

I divorced a narcissist.

That’s what’s wrong with me. I’m not looking for anyone because I’ve been alone for years, despite being married. I am happier on my own, then I was living with someone who made me feel terribly alone.

I’ve written about the loneliness of marriage several times. You can read one of those pieces here, Someone Insisted There’s No Way I Could Have Been Lonely in My Marriage — It might be the most ignorantly misguided comment I’ve heard.

It’s unnatural to feel lonely while living with another.

It’s an oppressive isolation.

Divorce may be heart-crushing, but a lonely marriage is soul-crushing.

It will rob you of everything.

Even the desire to date.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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