You might have seen those British aristocratic blowhards on Downton Abbey, Bridgerton or the 4th season of YOU and think to yourself, “I would love to be one of those blowhards!” Who wouldn’t? All they seem to do is alternate between hosting lavish dinner parties and playing croquet every day.
But now you can be one of them! Forget those useful guides on important things like self-care. Here’s the only guide you need to help you act like a fictional British aristocrat.
- Pretend you come from a long line of aristocracy
- Talk like those chaps and gentlewomen do on Downton Abbey
- Integrate the word “hobbledehoy” in everyday conversation
- Call yourself a viscount or viscountess
- Act like you have a dark family secret
- Pretend that you own a piece of land by standing on the front lawn and proclaiming it’s yours
- It’s important to find a piece of land that has a mansion or villa on it and invite people for the weekend
- In fact, everyone there has a dark family secret
- Play croquet five times a day
- Talk like Sir Ian McKellen, Tim Curry, Maggie Smith or Dame Judi Dench
- Have people brought to you — it could be anyone — just say “get me Lionel immediately!”
- Hire a butler named Geoffrey
- Host a dinner party with 14 courses
- Get caught up in a murder mystery at said dinner party
- Act nonchalant about the murder
- Ask Geoffrey to serve afternoon tea
- Have Scotland Yard come to investigate only to end up being completely incompetent
- Geoffrey is the first suspect until he, too, is murdered
- Call Hercule Poirot to solve the mystery instead
- Go back to playing croquet like nothing happened.
Congratulations! You are now a fictional British aristocrat — enjoy life as a douchebag!
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Previously Published on Medium
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