As a child, I was basically given three options to choose for a profession.
Doctor, lawyer or accountant.
My family had no money, so, naturally, my mom wanted a better life for her two sons.
I can’t stand the sight of blood, and I like people more than numbers and computers, so I chose the law.
Lucky for me, I enjoy being a lawyer. Nearly every day is an exciting intellectual challenge.
But that’s not how it works out for everyone.
Far too many kids are pressured by their parents, teachers and peers to pursue fields that will supposedly bring financial stability and society’s version of honor.
“My daughter, the doctor!”
For many years it was considered blasphemy for a child to not attend college.
That’s how I was raised. The thought of not going to college never crossed my mind.
To my money-strapped parents, not going to college wasn’t even part of the discussion.
So when I had kids of my own, I naturally wanted them to attend college and choose one of the three professions presented to me.
But then something drastic happened. My kids wanted to go in different directions.
My middle child, who is now 21, didn’t want to go to college despite my countless, frustrated pleas to him.
His passion is health and fitness. He wanted to be a personal trainer and health and fitness coach.
Reluctantly, I accepted his choice, all while I kept “encouraging” him to still get a degree.
“What about an exercise science degree?” I recall saying more than once.
I ultimately gave in to his wishes and paid for his fitness and nutrition training, as well as a business coach in the fitness world to help him start an online fitness and nutrition business.
Instead of $250,000+ for college tuition, and possibly some strangling debt, I paid $12,500 all-in.
He took that training and coaching and launched his business late 2023.
He gets up at 6:00 a.m. every day and focuses on building his business and helping professional adults get in shape, reclaim their health and live longer and better lives.
Old college friends of mine even hired him to get their health and bodies back after letting things slip over many years.
He didn’t get that college degree I begged him to get, but in his first year of business, he’ll make more than some recent college grads. Without the stress of doing something he doesn’t really want to do.
And above all, he’s happy.
Although I told myself for years that all I really cared about was raising kind, compassionate, empathetic humans who respect and love all types of people, I was kidding myself. I cared about career path just as much.
It took me years to give in to the idea that my kids might not become doctors, lawyers or engineers.
When my eldest son, now 23, told me that he wanted to become a rabbi, I had similar apprehension.
He was valedictorian of his high school. He was a natural in the classroom and on the basketball court. With the ethics, honesty and kindness of a saint.
In my mind, he could be whatever he put his mind to. Doctor, Lawyer, Accountant creeped back into my head.
I remember pleading with him to at least supplement a rabbinical degree with maybe psychology.
But after years of fighting, mostly with myself, I conceded the reality that this is what my son wanted to do.
My second-to-last attempt at a reality check for him is when we chatted about finances.
I told him that he was free to choose whatever field he wanted, but he needed to understand that he would have to live within the means his profession supplied. That if he was OK not taking his kids on vacations to Morocco, UAE, Spain, Italy, Guatemala, England, France and the many other places I took my kids, I was OK with it
If he was OK not having the same type of house. Or the same cars. Or the same financial freedom. Then I was OK with it.
I wasn’t going to pay his mortgage, I reminded him.
He didn’t flinch.
Maybe it’s because he didn’t grow up surrounded by financial struggle like I did, but none of that stuff interested him. He just wanted to follow his passion.
In one final plea, I asked him how he planned to deal with the racism found in many more fundamentalist religious communities.
His mom’s side is Orthodox, and they follow a stricter version of Jewish practice than I buy into. With that sometimes comes a level of insularity and an “us” versus “them” paradigm. While most Jews are not Orthodox and tend to be on the more liberal side of the spectrum, most Orthodox Jews are not. Many even voted for Trump.
My kids had the benefit of learning so much tradition from their mom’s side, while in my house, they were also surrounded with Black people, Muslims, Christians, Jews, gay people and others.
My kids refer to close Black friends of mine as “Uncle.”
His response to my question about racism in some of his community’s midst caused a major shift in my heart and brain.
“That’s why they need me,” he said as looked me in the eyes.
My son didn’t deny that there was more xenophobia in his religious world, but he viewed his role as a future rabbi to help members of his community be the best versions of themselves they could be. Yes, to serve their Creator and follow strict Orthodox practice, but also to be more ethical and humanist as part of their service to God. To not be racist. To love all people.
It was one of the proudest moments of my life. And it was the kick in the ass I needed to teach me that we as parents should not mold our children into who we want them to be, but to teach them and guide them according to their own souls and passions. They can then employ the values we impart to their unique paths.
My youngest child, who is 19, starts her final year of college in the fall and thinks she wants an M.B.A. after that. She’s still figuring her path.
The Hebrew Bible, the Torah, in Genesis teaches this concept but it’s hard to fully grasp it until you have kids.
“Jacob called for his sons and said, ‘Assemble yourselves … Gather yourselves and listen, O sons of Jacob, and listen to Israel your father.’ (49:1–2) This is what their father spoke to them and he blessed them, each according to his appropriate blessing.” (49:28)
The passage is often explained as Jacob blessing his sons, each according to his specific traits. Each one’s “appropriate blessing.”
In other words, Jacob of the Bible blessed his sons in a manner that recognized each of their individual abilities and proclivities. He didn’t bless them to be someone different.
King Solomon in Proverbs brought this concept home more clearly:
“Teach a child according to his way; He will not deviate it from it even in old age.”
Our goal of parents shouldn’t be to create humans in our own image. It should be to give them the tools and teach them the right values in pursuit of whatever ethical life path they want to follow.
If that means doctor or lawyer, then great. Those are noble professions. If it means something else, that’s perfectly ok, too.
This approach will ultimately result in happier adults, less depression and success in whatever endeavors our children choose.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: iStockphoto
