What’s in the Cards for Your Relationship?

PHIL: You talked at lunch about two friends who spend much of their day in each other’s company doing activities together, and I said that is not us; we have a different balance, though I suspect it’s not totally equal, and that you would prefer more together time. You said yes, but not in a complaining sense; that you would like different activities, and you shared a number of things we used to do that you would like to add back to our time together. Afterwards, I had the idea of making a game with an old deck of cards to choose a day and what we might do with it. Ace through ten for the mornings and afternoons of the week, and court cards marked Walk, Drive, Phil, Maude for what we might do. I had you pick a card from each deck, and as a result, we’re off for a drive soon.

The point here is that in a conversation like this, we listen to each other and wonder how the experience is for the other person, and if there is a mismatch, my inclination is to say, hey, how’s that for you? What’s going on here? Uh, what do you think? I am more likely to look at whatthe resistance in me is about than I am to push back. There is a fluidity with which we interact and flow, and the end result is not compromise; it’s a lack of attachment to a particular way.

This is something that we are always able to do, and we’ve described it as being on the same side, but that doesn’t quite capture it, because that brings up an image of us side by side in folding chairs, facing the same direction and watching a parade (of which there are several in town). The sense is more of a connection to us, a reality that is the same for you and me. It’s a sense of something larger than myself, and we both know, in some mysterious way, that the other knows it too. It has a solidity to it that comes from the fact that, at some point, we decided we were all in.

If that’s a bit woo-woo, sorry about that, but I can’t find any better way to describe it. You have to believe it exists, and want something like we’re describing, and be able to look for it. I think you need all three of those factors.

It takes a certain amount of intention. You have to never be anything but yourself. If you don’t want conflict, don’t create conflict. Even though it might appear inevitable, it isn’t. Instead, lean into the relationship.

MAUDE: Phil and I had an experience recently that I feel is worthy of sharing here. It is such a good example of how a peaceful relationship can work. I have been feeling lately that our time together has fallen a bit into a pattern of specific activities, all wonderful, but nevertheless limited. We shut down devices and outside interactions at around 8:30 every evening and spend the rest of our waking time with just the two of us: sharing, playing, doing crosswords, talking, and watching programs.

The other day, I was describing to Phil that a couple we know spend almost all their time together, and although this is very different from what we do, they are also very happy, and still have active, separate inner lives. Phil remarked that we have a good balance between time together and time apart, but that he felt that maybe I wasn’t quite satisfied and wanted more time together.

This could have been the start of an uncomfortable conversation in some relationships. It could have created tension or discord. One person professes they want something different than what is happening, and the other feels pushed or pressed or put down. Not so for us. We both listened carefully to each other, and there was a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere between us. It was clear that each of us wanted to know how the other felt, and there was no fear of upset, withdrawal, or pressure to be otherwise.

I shared that I was missing some of the activities that we used to do in the past. We seem to have gotten so busy with life that some of those things we really enjoy, especially our forays into nature of various kinds, have fallen away. All through this discussion, I could feel Phil’s deep attention, and it was attention without any charge. We were together talking about our interactions and both looking for paths forward from there.

When there is a difference in how we see things, we both tend to look inward to find out how we are feeling and what we can learn from that. We do this with curiosity and the desire to grow. When you are assured of being listened to, and you know that there is no opposition to one another and to what you share (a different way of saying you know you are always on the same side), you can speak freely and personally without any need to protect or defend.

We used to refer to our relationship as being one with no thumbtacks on the dance floor. Therefore, we can both leap and prance without ever coming down on a thumbtack, not even one!

I have this kind of freedom and assurance in all my deeper relationships. These are relationships where both parties are not looking for or creating drama or conflict. Differences of viewpoint are not points for disturbance or arguing; they are opportunities to learn more about how something can be viewed.

How does one get there? You have to believe there is such a way of being with one another, and choose with the intention to come from that place. You have to get to a place where you trust the connection and know both parties are willing and wanting to be fully there, sharing and enjoying together. And you have to be open enough to recognize it in the present, without crowding it out with visions from the past.

Here are some posts about how you can relate without conflict and have a peaceful relationship.

Do You Have Thumbtacks in Your Relationship? “The importance of 100% cannot be underestimated; it is nothing like 99% because anything less involves measurement, division, in and out, good and bad. It enables total freedom from the need to withdraw and to defend, and consequently to separate. The extraordinary freedom to be yourself that comes from this kind of acceptance can only be achieved by 100%. The freedom is liberating. Just as with the dancing, there is no comparison; 99% acceptance and 100% acceptance are not different by 1%. They differ in quality in the way that two parallel lines differ from two non-parallel lines. If there is some small corner within your partner that is still holding back acceptance, you never know when it might rear its head and bite you, so you must still always be guarded to some degree or another. The more thumbtacks you encounter, the less open and sharing you will become. But when each partner is assured of complete acceptance, it is transforming and wonderfully liberating; by being completely ourselves, we are that much more real, authentic and trustworthy to the other.”

How To Nurture Intimacy In Your Relationship “I was in a relationship that was almost the opposite. My partner had issues which caused him to retreat completely into himself. He would literally disappear without any explanation, becoming impossible to contact for varying periods of time, sometimes quite lengthy. I felt extreme distress and a strong sense of abandonment. Since I didn’t know when or why this would happen, I never felt safe, and as a consequence, that feeling of sublime peace that Phil and I experience could never be fully present in this other relationship. If, in order to have personal space, you need to withdraw or block off the connection, this will almost invariably cause a rift, a tear in the fabric of your relationship. No matter how small, these rips remain and they set up a potential thumbtack on the dance floor of your relationship. Even one can keep you from prancing about freely. Phil and I always feel like we are connected, no matter where we are physically in relation to each other, and we always know we are on the same side. When functioning in our day separately, or when one of us is traveling (in days gone by), we do not have an experience of withdrawal. Neither one of us disconnects, but then we don’t have any reason to do so. If your separateness is not a threat to your partner, if your individuality is honored, acknowledged, respected, then there is no need to pull back from your connection.”

Choose Total Acceptance: It’s a Radical Way to Peace and Harmony “When your relationships are not based on getting what you want in the way you want it; when you do not have to control what another thinks or how they say or do things, it is remarkably freeing. When you are not busy with reshaping the other person, you can relax and appreciate who they are and how they are. You can be enriched and enlarged by another’s approach. Most of all, you can be peaceful within, and bring that peace to others.So offer total acceptance in your close relationships. Your loved ones’ rights and desires are just as valid as yours. You will see yourself grow out of habits and patterns that do not serve you in your interactions. You will find a change in your interest in others and in your ability to listen, hear and see them. You will naturally find yourself less wrapped up in your own ideas of how things should be and more able to be open to the unique perspective of those you intimately relate to. This radical form of acceptance is very powerful and will transform the nature of all your deep relationships. Strive to offer total acceptance, the best gift you can give.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.