I’ve heard a lot of fair criticisms of modern dating. I think we can all agree that there’s a significant downside to it all. But I’ve also heard a lot of criticisms that come across as cynical, not realistic. There’s a fine line — but do we know when we’ve crossed it?
There’s a line in an Emily Henry novel that says,
“I’m a cynic. And a cynic is a romantic who’s too scared to hope.”
I read that line over and over again. I felt seen. Had I gone from hopeless romantic to cynic because I was afraid of getting hurt? Had I crossed that line?
Cynic or Realist: How to Self-Identify
When dating is a real shitshow, it can be hard to tell when our reservations are cynical and when they’re realistic. The more I thought about this, the more I felt that it needs to be broken down. To be self-aware about the attitudes we’re bringing to dating, we need to evaluate the facts.
It’s All or Nothing
I’m just going to start with one that I hear the most, but some readers might want to sit down in case this particular truth smacks them sideways. Having an all or nothing attitude where we think in absolutes isn’t a sign of realism; it’s a red flag of utter cynicism. If we make statements using the words always or never, this isn’t reality. This is a skewed way of looking at the world that isn’t objective or mature.
Having an extreme and absolute way of looking at the world may feel like we’re confronting the modern realities of dating, but it’s not realistic at all. To say that all men, women, or nonbinary humans are the same is to ignore individuality. That attitude is cynical, and we’re likely projecting it in our dating experiences. While we might get stood up or catfished some of the time, it’s likely not happening every single time. But if we say this is how things always go, that’s what we end up manifesting. I’m not saying that we make it happen, but I am saying that what we think is what we believe to be true.
Dating is the Worst!!!
When we start seeing all of dating through our past experiences, we’re not being realistic. We might think our lived experience is evidence of the harsh reality of dating apps, online dating, and relationships in general, but we’re likely drawing the wrong conclusion. We think dating is the problem … when it might actually be us.
Another painful truth, I know. Look, I had to face this myself. I used to have negative experiences. One after the other. It was distressing. It took a while to see that the way I dated was problematic. I was swiping right on people with some pretty obvious red flags. I thought I was giving people the benefit of the doubt, but what I was really doing was making excuses in order to make connections with matches I already sensed would be incompatible. Then, I got mad when they continued being exactly who I suspected they were in the first place.
After I spent time in therapy and addressed some of my own past experiences, I was able to have positive dating experiences. I started swiping left a lot more. I stopped making excuses for myself or anyone else. I changed the outcome of dating because I changed my own behavior. My cynical attitude about dating covered up some problematic dating behaviors. Changing that attitude was key to addressing my own patterns and changing them.
The Game That is Blame
Another attitude that seems realistic but is actually cynical is when we blame the other person when things don’t work out. The truth of the matter is that we’re not going to be a good match for 99.9% of the people we date. Even if we’re an absolutely amazing potential partner, it doesn’t mean we’re going to be every single person’s cup of tea. When things don’t work out, do we:
(a) call the other person a narcissist,
(b) take it super personally and feel awful about ourselves,
(c ) make negative assumptions about the other person, or
(d) all of the above?
If there was a “yes” anywhere in there, that’s not a realistic approach to dating. It’s just plain cynical. A more mature attitude is to acknowledge that we simply weren’t a good match. Even if they seemed like a great match for us, it doesn’t mean that they felt the same. The reverse can also be true. If one person just isn’t feeling it for one reason or another, it’s not our person. We can choose to get mad about it and take it personally, we can resort to blaming them, or we can decide to see it as a sign of incompatibility and move on without making it personal even if that sense of rejection often feels personal. Learning that it’s not personal at all is a huge shift toward a healthier attitude.
The Reality of Dating
It took me a while to learn that our attitudes play out in the way we date, but there are other factors that shouldn’t be ignored. Dating can be different experiences for different people simply because of those differences. We aren’t all extroverts who enjoy meeting a ton of people. We’re not all going to be great conversationalists online — even if we are in person. We don’t always know when we’re the ones displaying red flags or when we’re the ones ignoring them.
It’s also true that it’s not the same experience for straight men as it is for the rest of us. Women and the LGBTQ+ community remain at risk in dating. We have to take precautions and evaluate risks because none of us want to star in our own episode of a true crime podcast. When we make decisions out of a concern for safety, that’s not being cynical at all. That’s being realistic and taking necessary precautions. Anyone we match with who doesn’t get that is waving a big red flag that they aren’t a safe person for us even if they’re just clueless and don’t have nefarious intentions.
Cynicism can feel self-protective. It acts as a guard that keeps other people away. We don’t have to challenge ourselves or step a single toe outside of our comfort zone. Of course, we don’t just block the bad experiences. We’re blocking love, too. We can lose sight of that when we’re so wrapped up in fear that we forget what’s on the other side of it.
Negative dating experiences often lead to a cynical attitude. It’s understandable really. We get burned. We become afraid. We don’t want to hope and then feel let down all over again. It’s easier to act like we don’t care. It’s more comfortable to identify problems we have no control over — like the way some people choose to interact online. If we focus on that, we don’t have to take our aching, vulnerable hearts and put them at risk. We can hide behind the mask of cynicism and call it reality.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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